By Jerry Zezima Between long, daily, reservoir-draining showers to keep myself smelling fresh as a daisy, frequent shaving mishaps that draw enough blood to choke a vampire and so many throne sittings that I could be a member of the royal family, you’d think I would be flush with excitement at the prospect of remodeling […]
By Jerry Zezima Love means never having to say you’re sorry for taking your wife to a diner for your 45th wedding anniversary. So, sparing no expense for my beautiful bride, I took her to a pizza joint instead. I admit that it wasn’t as romantic as returning to Hawaii, where Sue and I honeymooned, […]
By Jerry Zezima On March 30, 2013, a date which will live in infancy, I became a grandfather. I remember that day like it was yesterday, which is amazing since I can’t remember where I put my house key, what I had for lunch or whether I left the bathroom light on. And that was […]
By Jerry Zezima I could never be a herbivore, not just because I don’t like vegetables, even though I am one, but because my name isn’t Herb. But there is a herb living in our house that I fear is about to turn into a carnivore. It is almost 4 feet tall, it stands menacingly […]
By Jerry Zezima Why did the chicken cross the road? To lay an egg in my backyard. That’s the real answer to the age-old question. I know because the other side of the road is on my property, where a sneaky hen left her unhatched offspring and then, probably knowing that my wife, Sue, planned […]
By Jerry Zezima Even at my advanced age (approaching seven decades of decrepitude), I have kept my boyish figure. And I have always been stylish because my wife buys my clothes, which I sometimes stick in a drawer or hang in a closet and promptly forget about, only to discover them months later with the […]
The Academy Awards are bring held on Sunday night, a time when we find out the best actress, best actor and best picture of 2022. I know you’re supposed to be breathlessly amazed at how wonderful these movies are. But, at least for the moment, I take a more jaundiced view. […]
By Jerry Zezima I am not the kind of guy to sweep things under the rug. For one thing, my wife would lower the broom on me if I did. For another, we don’t have too many rugs for me to sweep things under. But it doesn’t matter because I bought a new, lightweight, cordless […]
By Jerry Zezima I’m for the birds. Unfortunately, they’re not for me. That was sadly evident after I took part in the Great Backyard Bird Count, a worldwide annual program in which gullible humans are tasked with counting the birds in their bathrooms. Sorry, I mean their backyards. After four days of looking up, which […]
By Jerry Zezima At the risk of throwing myself under the bus, which isn’t much of a risk because the bus is stopped, I plead guilty to passing a stopped school bus. I couldn’t believe I had done something so stupid — and I do stupid things all the time — because I don’t text […]
