By Jerry Zezima Whenever I’m cooking with gas, which causes people who eat what I cook to have the same thing, I’m afraid I will not only burn the burgers but be blown to smithereens, after which I will rest in pieces. That’s why I feel much safer now that I have a new grill, […]
By Jerry Zezima You know you’re old and washed up as an athlete when you hurt your arm playing Wiffle ball. That’s what happened when I was the pitcher in a spirited game with my grandchildren, who not only hit home runs off me but ran so fast around the nonexistent bases in my backyard […]
By Jerry Zezima As a man who can’t stay awake for the 11 o’clock news, which isn’t worth watching anyway, I tire easily. Then I fall asleep. And I snore with enough force to wake up not only the dead, who sleep pretty soundly, but also my wife, who would like to kill me. So […]
By Jerry Zezima Medicine commercials give me a headache. Unfortunately, I have to pay attention to them because their products can either: (a) relieve my headache or (b) kill me. So I strike a compromise: Whenever one of these pitches comes on the TV screen, which happens approximately once a minute, I turn down the […]
By Jerry Zezima With apologies to Frank Sinatra, who is dead and can’t sue me, I am the chairman of the board. And I’m not just singing my own praises. After decades of failing miserably at board games, one of which had such a monopoly on me that I went directly to jail, I am […]
By Jerry Zezima The only thing that left me cold when my wife and I got a new refrigerator is that it didn’t come stocked with beer. But the cool part is that it doesn’t freeze food, as our old fridge did. And it is designed in such a convenient way that I can now […]
By Jerry Zezima If Steven Spielberg made a movie about the killer fish that lives in my house, he’d have to call it “Gums.” That’s because the aggressive little betta that swims in a plastic bowl on the liquor cabinet, which leads me to believe that it drinks like a fish, has no teeth but […]
By Jerry Zezima Because my column is the greatest thing since sliced bread, which still is not as great as cold beer, I have as my special guest today Dr. Sigmund Fritz, bestselling author of the classic, iconic and highly questionable book “On the Fritz: How to Spot a Narcissist by the Greatest Psychoanalyst of […]
By Jerry Zezima There is an ottoman empire in our house. That’s because my wife, Sue, ordered yet another ottoman. It was recently delivered and put in the family room to replace the old ottoman, which was not discarded but instead was pushed against the wall, making three ottomans (ottomen?) in the same room. There’s […]
By Jerry Zezima If you think your kids grow up fast, wait until you have grandchildren. I didn’t have to wait long for this revelation because my oldest grandchild is already a teenager. If that weren’t enough, she and my four other grandkids are more mature than I am. It was true not only when […]
