Thursday - June 8, 2023
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Jerry Zezima

 
“House of the Rising Cost”
June 4th, 2023

By Jerry Zezima My mind is in the gutter. It’s also in the kitchen, the bathroom, the garage and all the other places where I have lost my mind in the 25 years since my wife, Sue, and I became homeowners. Now that we have been in our humble abode for a quarter of a century, during which time we have embarked on enough home improvement projects to bankrupt the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development, I can say with utter honesty and no small amount of pride that I am the least handy man in America. To me, a screwdriver is vodka and orange juice. In spite of this shameful admission, or... Continue Reading

June 4th, 2023
“Air to a Fortune”
May 28th, 2023

By Jerry Zezima I’m probably putting my foot in my mouth for saying this, but Air Jordan, the fabulously successful sneaker line named after former basketball great Michael Jordan, may have to step aside for a new shoe, one named after a guy whose athletic exploits on the playground and the trampoline should be an inspiration to grandfathers everywhere. I refer, of course, to Air Zezima. I got the idea for my own sneaker line after watching “Air,” a new movie about how Nike courted and ultimately won over the Jordan family by creating a shoe designed specifically for Michael, then a young... Continue Reading

May 28th, 2023
“A Sod Story”
May 21st, 2023

By Jerry Zezima I have gone to seed. Unfortunately, so has my grass. The problem is that it won’t grow, especially in the front yard, where a giant oak tree throws shade at a lawn I have tried for years to make green and lush. Instead, I recently made myself green (with envy at my neighbors’ lawns) and lush (because I gulped down a beer after a hot afternoon of getting down and dirty on a patch of earth that looks like it was manicured with a flamethrower). Specifically, I dropped lots of “sun and shade” grass seed on areas of the yard where grass won’t grow in either sun or shade. My... Continue Reading

May 21st, 2023
“Home Is Where the Art Is”
May 14th, 2023

By Jerry Zezima When I was in school, I was so bad in art that if I became a painter, I would starve to death because I couldn’t even draw a good salary. But my grandchildren are in school and they are so good in art that their works deserve to be in the Louvre Museum in Paris, the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York City and the National Gallery of Art in Washington, D.C. Instead, they are in the Zezima Museum of Art and Snacks on Long Island, New York. It is an admittedly modest space devoted to the world’s finest paintings, drawings and illustrations, all done with brushes, crayons and... Continue Reading

May 14th, 2023
“Nothing but the Tooth”
May 7th, 2023

By Jerry Zezima I used to think that criminal possession of a forged instrument involved stealing a tuba. Now I know what I should have known for the past 40 years: It’s the act of writing a note to an unsuspecting child while pretending to be a fictional character. That’s why, in my latest act of forgery, I plead guilty to impersonating the Tooth Fairy. I was pressed into conducting this shameful ruse when my 6-year-old grandson lost his first tooth. Because his parents were out of town, and my wife, Sue, and I were watching him and his 3-year-old twin siblings for the weekend, I had to write... Continue Reading

May 7th, 2023
“Getting Trivial With Alexa”
April 30th, 2023

By Jerry Zezima Here is today’s trivia challenge: What modern figure was famously described by his wife as “an encyclopedia of useless information”? (a) Albert Einstein, (b) Alex Trebek, (c) Pat Sajak, (d) Jerry Zezima If you guessed (d), you are correct! Unfortunately, you do not win a Caribbean cruise or cash and prizes totaling $100,000, but you do have my eternal (or at least temporary) gratitude. My wife, Sue, who used to think I didn’t know anything worth knowing, now knows better. That’s because she and I recently teamed up to score our 1,000th point in Question of the Day, a game... Continue Reading

April 30th, 2023
“Bathroom Remodeling Is a Real Soap Opera”
April 16th, 2023

By Jerry Zezima Between long, daily, reservoir-draining showers to keep myself smelling fresh as a daisy, frequent shaving mishaps that draw enough blood to choke a vampire and so many throne sittings that I could be a member of the royal family, you’d think I would be flush with excitement at the prospect of remodeling the bathroom. But shopping for tile, a vanity, a toilet and fixtures for the sink and shower has left me, if you will pardon the expression, drained. The project became necessary after I took a shower and noticed that there was something wrong with the plumbing (the shower’s,... Continue Reading

April 16th, 2023
“Eat, Drink and Be Married”
April 9th, 2023

By Jerry Zezima Love means never having to say you’re sorry for taking your wife to a diner for your 45th wedding anniversary. So, sparing no expense for my beautiful bride, I took her to a pizza joint instead. I admit that it wasn’t as romantic as returning to Hawaii, where Sue and I honeymooned, or going back to Barbados, where we celebrated 30 years of wedded bliss. But at least I didn’t take my wife to the dump. That’s where we spent our anniversary three years ago. We had to get rid of some logs from a tree that had been struck by lightning. It did not create sparks between us. When... Continue Reading

April 9th, 2023
“A Grand Decade”
April 2nd, 2023

By Jerry Zezima On March 30, 2013, a date which will live in infancy, I became a grandfather. I remember that day like it was yesterday, which is amazing since I can’t remember where I put my house key, what I had for lunch or whether I left the bathroom light on. And that was today. Still, I am deliriously happy to be celebrating 10 years of grandparenthood. In the past decade, my wife, Sue, and I have welcomed five grandchildren, enough not only to count on the fingers of one hand but also to make a basketball team. The problem is that the kids are better than I am in both math and hoops, although... Continue Reading

April 2nd, 2023
“Little Kitchen of Horrors”
March 26th, 2023

By Jerry Zezima I could never be a herbivore, not just because I don’t like vegetables, even though I am one, but because my name isn’t Herb. But there is a herb living in our house that I fear is about to turn into a carnivore. It is almost 4 feet tall, it stands menacingly next to my chair at the kitchen table and it is probably waiting to eat me for dinner like Audrey II, the man-eating plant in “Little Shop of Horrors.” This one is a citronella, also known as the mosquito plant, so named because either it repels blood-sucking flies or, more worrisome, it likes to bite people. So far,... Continue Reading

March 26th, 2023