By Jerry Zezima Now that I have seen Steven Spielberg’s “Disclosure Day,” a space alien thriller that’s out of this world, I am making this my own disclosure day: I could have been the star of the movie. And not necessarily as a space alien. I was sure I’d be heading to Hollywood when I […]
By Jerry Zezima When it comes to talking the talk and walking the walk, the talk is that I do more talking than walking, even when I’m on a walk. That’s why I won’t walk back the fact that I talked my way through two recent walks, one on which I had a delightful talk […]
By Jerry Zezima Every so often, when dirt, grime and mildew build up, a good power washing is in order. But it would be too messy, so I took a shower. I had the house power-washed instead. It had been a long time since our humble abode got such a thorough cleaning. Before that, it […]
By Jerry Zezima Whenever I’m cooking with gas, which causes people who eat what I cook to have the same thing, I’m afraid I will not only burn the burgers but be blown to smithereens, after which I will rest in pieces. That’s why I feel much safer now that I have a new grill, […]
By Jerry Zezima You know you’re old and washed up as an athlete when you hurt your arm playing Wiffle ball. That’s what happened when I was the pitcher in a spirited game with my grandchildren, who not only hit home runs off me but ran so fast around the nonexistent bases in my backyard […]
By Jerry Zezima As a man who can’t stay awake for the 11 o’clock news, which isn’t worth watching anyway, I tire easily. Then I fall asleep. And I snore with enough force to wake up not only the dead, who sleep pretty soundly, but also my wife, who would like to kill me. So […]
By Jerry Zezima Medicine commercials give me a headache. Unfortunately, I have to pay attention to them because their products can either: (a) relieve my headache or (b) kill me. So I strike a compromise: Whenever one of these pitches comes on the TV screen, which happens approximately once a minute, I turn down the […]
By Jerry Zezima With apologies to Frank Sinatra, who is dead and can’t sue me, I am the chairman of the board. And I’m not just singing my own praises. After decades of failing miserably at board games, one of which had such a monopoly on me that I went directly to jail, I am […]
By Jerry Zezima The only thing that left me cold when my wife and I got a new refrigerator is that it didn’t come stocked with beer. But the cool part is that it doesn’t freeze food, as our old fridge did. And it is designed in such a convenient way that I can now […]
By Jerry Zezima If Steven Spielberg made a movie about the killer fish that lives in my house, he’d have to call it “Gums.” That’s because the aggressive little betta that swims in a plastic bowl on the liquor cabinet, which leads me to believe that it drinks like a fish, has no teeth but […]
