Posts Tagged With ‘ Humor ’

By Jerry Zezima All my life, I thought I would end up in the gutter. And last week it almost happened. So it’s a good thing I have gutter guards. I got them because leaves, twigs and acorns had clogged the gutters so much that there was barely room for my mind, which was in there, too. When my wife, Sue, and I moved into our house 25 years ago, the gutters didn’t have guards. I had to climb to the top of the two-story Colonial to clean out the leaves every fall. I came to the frightening realization that the word “fall” could also apply to me. That’s because I have acrophobia, which is... Continue Reading

By Jerry Zezima I have never been a big cheese, even in my own house, but my house is now home to a big cheese — a box of Vermont cheddar — which recently arrived on my doorstep thanks to a lovely lady with big brown eyes, long lashes and a beefy figure. She is none other than Snookums the cow. I learned about Snookums after seeing an ad in the Old Farmer’s Almanac for a Massachusetts company called Rent Mother Nature, which allows humans to lease sheep, goats and, of course, cows and buy the wool blanket or the cheese that a chosen animal helps to produce. Because I love cheddar and went... Continue Reading

By Jerry Zezima I never thought I was hot stuff — especially when I look in the mirror to shave, a reflection that leaves me cold — but I sure am hot stuff now. That’s because I have just tried the world’s hottest sauce. And I can proudly say, with some difficulty due to a scorched tongue, that I resisted the urge to call 911 so the fire department could extinguish an inferno that nearly sent smoke billowing from my mouth. The sauce is made by the PuckerButt Pepper Co. of Fort Mill, South Carolina. The company’s owner, president and self-proclaimed “mad scientist,” Smokin’ Ed Currie,... Continue Reading

By Jerry Zezima As a baby boomer who was bad at math in high school, I have calculated that 70 is the new 60. Using the new math, 70 is the new 50. And for grandparents, 70 is the new 10. That was the consensus at a fabulous 70th birthday party for members of the Stamford Catholic High School Class of 1971, which was held at Zody’s 19th Hole, a popular restaurant in our hometown of Stamford, Connecticut. I am the baby of the bunch, physically and mentally, because I won’t hit the big 7-Oh until January. But I partied anyway because I am a kid at both heart and head, the latter of which has... Continue Reading

By Jerry Zezima I have to brace myself for this, but when it comes to straight teeth and beautiful smiles, my granddaughter and I are bridging generations by wearing braces. Of course, my granddaughter’s smile is much more beautiful than mine, but she recently got metal braces — with pink rubber bands! — to correct an overbite. At 10 years old, she is proud of her new look, which she will have for a couple of years, and has accepted the fact that she can’t eat certain foods because they would stick to her braces. At nearly 70 years old, I am proud of my old look because I still have all... Continue Reading

By Jerry Zezima An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but if I keep eating apples every day, I’ll need a doctor because I am full of apples right up to my — you guessed it — Adam’s apple. I have been consuming the fruits of my labors since my wife, Sue, and I went apple picking and carted home a bag full of apples, 42 in all, that I am eating every day in some form or another. I have an apple — Gala, Delicious, Macoun or Granny Smith, all from the orchard — for dessert at lunch. I also consume a bowl of the apple crisp that Sue made for dessert at dinner. And she just made an apple-cinnamon... Continue Reading

By Jerry Zezima If left to my own devices — the phone, the computer, the washing machine, the dryer, the dishwasher, the house alarm, the microwave, the doorbell camera and even Alexa, the digital voice assistant — I would run them all over with my car because they won’t stop beeping. But then the car would start beeping and I would have to abandon the idea of silencing my inanimate tormenters and simply surrender to their incessant electronic nagging. That’s what I did when my cellphone erupted in a brief burst of beeping during the recent test of the Emergency Alert System. Like millions... Continue Reading

By Jerry Zezima If you need a shoulder to cry on, don’t blubber all over mine. I’m crying on my own shoulder these days because I have an injured rotator cuff. This means, unfortunately, that I won’t be able to pitch in the major leagues or make game-winning shots in the NBA. My mother once tore her rotator cuff in a fall down the stairs and couldn’t play in our family Wiffle ball league, where she was an ace hurler who set a record for strikeouts, mostly against me. And my rotator-cuff issue will prevent me from taking on LeBron James because I can’t even make three-pointers when I try... Continue Reading

By Jerry Zezima Even though I can barely make scrambled eggs, which become scrambled when I try to make fried eggs, I am more than just a flash in the pan. That’s why I am celebrating the 25th anniversary of my supreme culinary triumph, a dish called Zezima’s Zesty Ziti Zinger, which not only was first runner-up in the pasta sauce division of the 1998 Newman’s Own & Good Housekeeping Recipe Contest, but earned raves from legendary actor Paul Newman, who wolfed down a bowl of the stuff after I assured him that it didn’t kill my dog. The previous year, someone from the Newman’s Own... Continue Reading

By Jerry Zezima Camilla Zezima sleeps with the fishes. Those eternal nappers include the first two Camillas and the countless other fish that have been part of our family, if only briefly, over the years. Camilla III, as she (or he) was dubbed, lasted 12 months and was predeceased by the original Camilla, a female who went belly-up after only 48 hours, and her successor, Camilla II, a male who lived to the ripe old age of 2. The last two Camillas were gender-fluid because my granddaughters, who talked me into getting the first Camilla, thought they were not only female, but the same fish. Even... Continue Reading