Posts Tagged With ‘ Comedy ’

By Jerry Zezima If the remains of Jimmy Hoffa are ever found, ending a nearly half-century search for the notorious union boss, I know just where they will be: My office. That’s because I am in the middle of one of the biggest cleanups of all time, one that not only rivals the most ambitious urban renewal projects ever undertaken, but could be the basis for an episode of “Unsolved Mysteries.” I am not a scientist, which is a blessing to humanity because I almost blew up the chemistry lab in high school, but I do know about the law of physics, which states that any space — except the one... Continue Reading

By Jerry Zezima I haven’t taken a bath since the Johnson administration (Lyndon, not Andrew) and it looks like the drought will continue because boys aren’t allowed in our newly renovated bathroom. That is the edict handed down by our three granddaughters, ages 11, 7 and 4. Even before the renovation began, they taped a sign to the door reading: GIRL’S ONLY! No boys allowed! Yes, I know the word “girls” should be plural, not possessive, but you must understand that these girls are: (a) young and (b) very possessive of the bathroom they use when they visit our house. They have an ally... Continue Reading

By Jerry Zezima I have always believed that exercise and health food will kill you. This explains why I live in deathly fear of broccoli and don’t do anything more strenuous than getting up twice a night to go to the bathroom. But now that I have reached the ripe old age of 70, and at the urging of my doctor, who takes my health to heart, I have returned to the gym for the first time in more than six months. “It’s been 193 days,” team member Kenzie Evans said after I scanned my card at the front desk and told her I hadn’t been there in a while. “I was in jail for sticking up a gym,”... Continue Reading

By Jerry Zezima My wife and I are in better shape than our house. That’s saying something — I don’t know what, but it probably can’t be repeated in polite company — because Sue and I are 70 and our house is 50. Despite the age difference, our joints hurt less than our joint. We have come to realize, after a quarter of a century in our humble and hobbling abode, that home is where the heartburn is. That’s why we are fortunate to have a doctor who makes house calls. He has to because he’s also our contractor. Anthony Amini, chief of surgery at Performance Contracting and Management,... Continue Reading

By Jerry Zezima Jerry had a little lamb. It was a shade of paint. It went right on the bathroom wall. The fumes could make you faint. That’s the nursery rhyme I composed while painting the wall of a bathroom in our house. Fortunately, I wasn’t overcome by fumes, which might have improved the creative process, but I can say that the paint is a shade of beige called lambskin. And I will add, with no small amount of pride, that I picked it out myself. In fact, I have become so good at selecting just the right color that I have crowned myself the Prince of Paint. This is appropriate since I spend... Continue Reading

By Jerry Zezima As a guy who gets pooped at the mere thought of washing bird droppings off a car, I never figured I would wax poetic over my amazing ability to clean and wax my wife’s wheels. But it turns out I am a gem. That is the expert opinion of a guy who not only owns a car wash, but who knows all about gems because he used to work in a diamond mine. I met Edgar Barbosa, proprietor of Auto Salon Detail Center, after my wife, Sue, asked me to rid her silver sedan of the foul feculence of a flock of flighty fiends. We recently had some tree work done, including the removal of a large branch... Continue Reading

By Jerry Zezima When it comes to wordplay, I’m the pun and only. Or I had been for the past decade. In 2014, I competed in Punderdome, a contest billed as “New York’s Most Puntastic Competition.” At the ripe old age of 60, I was the eldest competitor. But I had the ripe stuff because it was my first appearance, I faced 16 other contestants and I beat them all. The grand prize was a fondue maker, which I gave to my wife. It was the least I could fondue. Slow forward to 2024, the 10th anniversary of my champ-pun-ship. To mark the occasion, I made a return engagement, even though I am married. I... Continue Reading

By Jerry Zezima I will never get into the National Baseball Hall of Fame unless I buy a ticket. That’s because my batting average in Little League was lower than my weight and my winning percentage as the manager of my daughters’ softball team was just as bad. But even though mighty Jerry struck out countless times, memories of my misadventures on a field of screams came racing back like a fastball I could never hit when I took a recent tour of Fenway Park in Boston. Fenway is the home of my favorite team, the Red Sox. Opened in 1912, it’s the oldest ballpark in the major leagues and features... Continue Reading

By Jerry Zezima I am out to lunch. This is especially true when I make lunch. That’s because, in my incapable hands, organizing the second meal of the day takes so long that I am surprised I haven’t starved to death by now. My wife, Sue, who usually eats lunch with me and simplifies matters by having an apple and a cup of tea, marvels at how I can turn something as easy as making a sandwich or a bowl of soup into something so utterly complicated. Sue will often try to expedite matters by telling me what’s for lunch. “There are leftovers in the fridge,” she will say. Or, “I bought you... Continue Reading

By Jerry Zezima I know I am going out on a limb by saying this, but in our yard, everything happens in trees. The stately sentinels — mostly oaks, although a modest maple stands out front — serve as headquarters for birds that poop on our cars and squirrels that ravage the garden. The trees also have a nasty habit of being hit by lightning, dropping on power lines and falling on neighbors’ houses. So my wife, Sue, and I called an arbor care specialist who got to the root of the problem by taking down a couple of sickly specimens and pruning others so much that our property looked like a branch... Continue Reading