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“No Absence of Mallets”

By Jerry Zezima When it comes to croquet, a leisurely game that sounds like it involves chickens, I cannot mend my wicket ways. That’s because I am not very good at it. Proof came when my wife, Sue, who makes delicious chicken croquettes and recently bought a croquet set, soundly defeated me in a backyard […]

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“The Big Climb”

By Jerry Zezima As a geezer who can barely make it up the dozen steps in my house without getting winded, I never thought I would make it up and down 2,500 steps at a baseball stadium without keeling over, being carted off the field and finishing the season on the disabled list. But I […]

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“No Pane, No Gain”

By Jerry Zezima I do windows. They’re a pain in the neck, especially if I stick my neck out the window to clean a pane, but spring has sprung and, even though I am no spring chicken, I have to spring into action to do the spring cleaning that gives me a window into my […]

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“Have Passport, Can Travel”

By Jerry Zezima In case I am run out of the country, which is probably inevitable but would give me a great reason to have my own travel show, I just renewed my passport. “Now I can visit my mother,” I told Jenn, a very nice postal employee who helped me and my wife, Sue, […]

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“Fowl Play”

By Jerry Zezima I have a bone to pick with the slobs who have been dumping chicken bones and other garbage on our front lawn. But make no bones about it, I will catch these birdbrains because my wife, Sue, and I recently installed a home security system to capture their fowl deeds. This is […]

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“No Fly Zone”

By Jerry Zezima Most people would say — especially in the winter, when insects are vacationing in Florida — that they wouldn’t hurt a fly. Not my wife. Sue wouldn’t hurt anything else, including me, even though I’m the biggest pest in the house, but she doesn’t like flies. Or ants. Or spiders. Or any […]

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“You’re So Vein”

By Jerry Zezima Romance is in my blood. And I recently proved it by taking my wife for bloodwork. On our anniversary. It was the most romantic thing I have done for Sue since I took her to a landfill on our anniversary four years ago. I’m surprised she didn’t leave me there. It’s a […]

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“Another Fine Mess”

By Jerry Zezima If the remains of Jimmy Hoffa are ever found, ending a nearly half-century search for the notorious union boss, I know just where they will be: My office. That’s because I am in the middle of one of the biggest cleanups of all time, one that not only rivals the most ambitious […]

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“Rub-a-Dub-Dub, No Men in the Tub”

By Jerry Zezima I haven’t taken a bath since the Johnson administration (Lyndon, not Andrew) and it looks like the drought will continue because boys aren’t allowed in our newly renovated bathroom. That is the edict handed down by our three granddaughters, ages 11, 7 and 4. Even before the renovation began, they taped a […]

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“Thanks for the Muscle Memory”

By Jerry Zezima I have always believed that exercise and health food will kill you. This explains why I live in deathly fear of broccoli and don’t do anything more strenuous than getting up twice a night to go to the bathroom. But now that I have reached the ripe old age of 70, and […]

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