By Jerry Zezima TOP SECRET To: Tom Cruise From: Jerry Zezima Re: “Mission: Implausible” Dear Mr. Cruise: I am a dashing, heroic and admittedly aging spy cleverly disguised as a syndicated newspaper columnist whose work is highly suspect. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to let me star in the next installment […]
By Jerry Zezima As a man who dozes off at the drop of a hat, even though I don’t wear one, I find it hard to wake up and smell the coffee. The problem is that I can’t smell the coffee until I wake up. And I can’t wake up until I have coffee. If […]
By Jerry Zezima If it weren’t for Venetian blinds, it would be curtains for me. It also would be valances, drapes, shutters and other coverings for windows that I haven’t washed in two years, which is why my wife, Sue, has been throwing shades at me. We recently got new blinds in the family room […]
By Jerry Zezima Because I am a geezer with a heart condition, I’m not ashamed to admit that when it comes to shoveling snow, I am also a wuss, which stands for “wait until spring starts.” To compound matters, I was born during a blizzard and have been perpetrating snow jobs ever since. So in […]
By Jerry Zezima I wouldn’t be barking up the wrong clothes tree to say that my younger daughter’s dog has a better wardrobe than I do. So do both of my barber’s dogs. It’s enough to make a grown human howl. I became aware of this canine clothing conspiracy about a year ago when my […]
By Jerry Zezima I wouldn’t be barking up the wrong clothes tree to say that my younger daughter’s dog has a better wardrobe than I do. So do both of my barber’s dogs. It’s enough to make a grown human howl. I became aware of this canine clothing conspiracy about a year ago when my […]
By Jerry Zezima I used to think, because I’m a kid at heart, and even more so at head, that I have the maturity level of a 9-year-old. But I don’t think so anymore because a 9-year-old, who happens to be one of my grandchildren, thinks my jokes are stupid. This was made abundantly clear […]
By Jerry Zezima When it comes to household chores, I work for free. And I’m worth every penny. But since I’m on a fixed income, I am thinking of charging for my services. “You don’t do anything,” said my wife, Sue, who is the family banker. “That’s not true,” I replied defensively. “What do you […]
By Jerry Zezima Since I am in the holiday spirit (and, having just consumed a mug of hot toddy, a glass of eggnog and a nip of cheer, the holiday spirits are in me), I have decided to follow in that great tradition of boring everyone silly by writing a Christmas letter. That is why […]
By Jerry Zezima I may not be the chief cook in my house (that would be my wife, Sue, without whom I would have starved to death long ago), but I am the chief bottle washer. And I don’t wash only bottles. I also clean glasses, mugs, cups, saucers, bowls, plates, pots, pans, tongs, whisks, […]
