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Jerry Zezima Humorist, Author, Public Nuisance

I write a humor column for Tribune News Service, which distributes it to papers nationwide and abroad. If you have ever wondered why the newspaper industry is in trouble, it would be because of me.

I am the author of six books, “Leave It to Boomer,” “The Empty Nest Chronicles,” “Grandfather Knows Best,” “Nini and Poppie’s Excellent Adventures,” “Every Day Is Saturday” and “One for the Ageless,” all of which are crimes against literature. They also come in handy for propping up wobbly table legs. If you suffer from insomnia, you might even want to read them.

As a chilling example of just how low journalistic standards have sunk, I have won many awards, including seven for humorous writing from the National Society of Newspaper Columnists.

I have a strong social media presence, I have made many radio and television appearances, I have done several YouTube videos, I am a popular public speaker, and I am writing a sitcom. If you think TV is bad now, wait until my show gets on the air.

I live on Long Island, N.Y., with my wife, Sue. We have two daughters, five grandchildren and many creditors. I have no interesting hobbies.

Books Authored By Jerry Zezima

Recent Content

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“Veggies to Diet For”

By Jerry ZezimaSince my cardiologist put me on a Mediterranean diet, I have been looking forward to a daily meal of spaghetti and meatballs or a few slices of pepperoni pizza.Instead, I get the …

By Jerry ZezimaSi…

By Jerry ZezimaSince my cardiologist put me on a Mediterranean diet, I have been looking forward to a daily meal of spaghetti and meatballs or a few slices of pepperoni pizza.Instead, I get the uneasy feeling I will be eating prodigious quantities of another Italian-sounding food: zucchini.To put it mildly, I am not a fan of zucchini. Or squash of any kind. Nor, for that matter, do I like most vegetables.“They’re good for you,” said Dr. Rohit Maini. “And they are an important part of a Mediterranean diet.”“I can’t afford to go to Italy every day,” I told him.…

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“No Absence of Mallets”

By Jerry ZezimaWhen it comes to croquet, a leisurely game that sounds like it involves chickens, I cannot mend my wicket ways.That’s because I am not very good at it.Proof came when my wife…

By Jerry ZezimaWh…

By Jerry ZezimaWhen it comes to croquet, a leisurely game that sounds like it involves chickens, I cannot mend my wicket ways.That’s because I am not very good at it.Proof came when my wife, Sue, who makes delicious chicken croquettes and recently bought a croquet set, soundly defeated me in a backyard blitz.Our 7-year-old granddaughter also put me to shame before she got bored with the inferior competition and went off to blow bubbles.Sue, a fan of the TV series “Bridgerton,” in which rich, snooty characters in 19th-century England play a croquet-like game called pall-mal…

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“The Big Climb”

By Jerry ZezimaAs a geezer who can barely make it up the dozen steps in my house without getting winded, I never thought I would make it up and down 2,500 steps at a baseball stadium without keelin…

By Jerry ZezimaAs…

By Jerry ZezimaAs a geezer who can barely make it up the dozen steps in my house without getting winded, I never thought I would make it up and down 2,500 steps at a baseball stadium without keeling over, being carted off the field and finishing the season on the disabled list.But I somehow survived the big climb — and got a medal for my efforts — as the oldest guy to complete the Big Climb, a fundraiser for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, the world’s largest nonprofit funding organization for blood cancer research.The event, which featured about 1,100 participants, was held …

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“No Pane, No Gain”

By Jerry ZezimaI do windows. They’re a pain in the neck, especially if I stick my neck out the window to clean a pane, but spring has sprung and, even though I am no spring chicken, I have to spr…

By Jerry ZezimaI …

By Jerry ZezimaI do windows. They’re a pain in the neck, especially if I stick my neck out the window to clean a pane, but spring has sprung and, even though I am no spring chicken, I have to spring into action to do the spring cleaning that gives me a window into my life as a suburban homeowner.I am supposed to do the windows every spring, but if memory serves (I would like it to serve me a beer, which is what I need after doing the windows), I forgot to do them last year.So my wife, Sue, wants me to do them now.The problem with cleaning windows, which I can clearly see even if …

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“Have Passport, Can Travel”

By Jerry ZezimaIn case I am run out of the country, which is probably inevitable but would give me a great reason to have my own travel show, I just renewed my passport.“Now I can visit my mot…

By Jerry ZezimaIn…

By Jerry ZezimaIn case I am run out of the country, which is probably inevitable but would give me a great reason to have my own travel show, I just renewed my passport.“Now I can visit my mother,” I told Jenn, a very nice postal employee who helped me and my wife, Sue, with our renewals at a post office branch on Long Island, New York.“Where does your mother live?” asked Jenn.“In Connecticut,” I replied.“You don’t need a passport for that,” she said. “At least, not yet.”“I can’t afford to go anywhere else,” I said. “But if I had a TV series, I w…

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“Fowl Play”

By Jerry ZezimaI have a bone to pick with the slobs who have been dumping chicken bones and other garbage on our front lawn. But make no bones about it, I will catch these birdbrains because my wif…

By Jerry ZezimaI …

By Jerry ZezimaI have a bone to pick with the slobs who have been dumping chicken bones and other garbage on our front lawn. But make no bones about it, I will catch these birdbrains because my wife, Sue, and I recently installed a home security system to capture their fowl deeds.This is the latest poultry problem I have had to cackle — sorry, I mean tackle — because it brings up the eternal question: What came first, the chicken or the egg?The yolk was on me after Sue found a chicken egg in our backyard last year and I scrambled to find the hen that laid it. Some unknown humans i…

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“No Fly Zone”

By Jerry ZezimaMost people would say — especially in the winter, when insects are vacationing in Florida — that they wouldn’t hurt a fly. Not my wife.Sue wouldn’t hurt anything else, inc…

By Jerry ZezimaMo…

By Jerry ZezimaMost people would say — especially in the winter, when insects are vacationing in Florida — that they wouldn’t hurt a fly. Not my wife.Sue wouldn’t hurt anything else, including me, even though I’m the biggest pest in the house, but she doesn’t like flies.Or ants. Or spiders. Or any other winged invaders or creepy crawlers that bug the hell out of us once the weather gets warm.That’s why we have had not one, not two but three visits from an exterminator.The first one was Sam, which is short for Samantha.“I’m the only woman exterminator in our …

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“You’re So Vein”

By Jerry ZezimaRomance is in my blood. And I recently proved it by taking my wife for bloodwork.On our anniversary.It was the most romantic thing I have done for Sue since I took her to a lan…

By Jerry ZezimaRo…

By Jerry ZezimaRomance is in my blood. And I recently proved it by taking my wife for bloodwork.On our anniversary.It was the most romantic thing I have done for Sue since I took her to a landfill on our anniversary four years ago. I’m surprised she didn’t leave me there.It’s a good thing she didn’t because I wanted this latest expression of love to be in vein, not in vain, which is why I was inspired to be a blood donor.I used to give blood regularly. In fact, I donated so often that I was a member of the Gallon Club, signifying that I had given a gallon of blood, thoug…

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“Another Fine Mess”

By Jerry ZezimaIf the remains of Jimmy Hoffa are ever found, ending a nearly half-century search for the notorious union boss, I know just where they will be:My office.That’s because I am i…

By Jerry ZezimaIf…

By Jerry ZezimaIf the remains of Jimmy Hoffa are ever found, ending a nearly half-century search for the notorious union boss, I know just where they will be:My office.That’s because I am in the middle of one of the biggest cleanups of all time, one that not only rivals the most ambitious urban renewal projects ever undertaken, but could be the basis for an episode of “Unsolved Mysteries.”I am not a scientist, which is a blessing to humanity because I almost blew up the chemistry lab in high school, but I do know about the law of physics, which states that any space — excep…

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“Rub-a-Dub-Dub, No Men in the Tub”

By Jerry ZezimaI haven’t taken a bath since the Johnson administration (Lyndon, not Andrew) and it looks like the drought will continue because boys aren’t allowed in our newly renovated bathro…

By Jerry ZezimaI …

By Jerry ZezimaI haven’t taken a bath since the Johnson administration (Lyndon, not Andrew) and it looks like the drought will continue because boys aren’t allowed in our newly renovated bathroom.That is the edict handed down by our three granddaughters, ages 11, 7 and 4. Even before the renovation began, they taped a sign to the door reading:GIRL’S ONLY!No boys allowed!Yes, I know the word “girls” should be plural, not possessive, but you must understand that these girls are: (a) young and (b) very possessive of the bathroom they use when they visit our house.Th…

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“Thanks for the Muscle Memory”

By Jerry ZezimaI have always believed that exercise and health food will kill you. This explains why I live in deathly fear of broccoli and don’t do anything more strenuous than getting up twice …

By Jerry ZezimaI …

By Jerry ZezimaI have always believed that exercise and health food will kill you. This explains why I live in deathly fear of broccoli and don’t do anything more strenuous than getting up twice a night to go to the bathroom.But now that I have reached the ripe old age of 70, and at the urging of my doctor, who takes my health to heart, I have returned to the gym for the first time in more than six months.“It’s been 193 days,” team member Kenzie Evans said after I scanned my card at the front desk and told her I hadn’t been there in a while.“I was in jail for sticking u…

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“House Calls”

By Jerry ZezimaMy wife and I are in better shape than our house. That’s saying something — I don’t know what, but it probably can’t be repeated in polite company — because Sue and I are 7…

By Jerry ZezimaMy…

By Jerry ZezimaMy wife and I are in better shape than our house. That’s saying something — I don’t know what, but it probably can’t be repeated in polite company — because Sue and I are 70 and our house is 50.Despite the age difference, our joints hurt less than our joint.We have come to realize, after a quarter of a century in our humble and hobbling abode, that home is where the heartburn is.That’s why we are fortunate to have a doctor who makes house calls. He has to because he’s also our contractor.Anthony Amini, chief of surgery at Performance Contracting and …

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“The Prince of Paint”

By Jerry ZezimaJerry had a little lamb.It was a shade of paint.It went right on the bathroom wall.The fumes could make you faint.That’s the nursery rhyme I composed while painting the…

By Jerry ZezimaJe…

By Jerry ZezimaJerry had a little lamb.It was a shade of paint.It went right on the bathroom wall.The fumes could make you faint.That’s the nursery rhyme I composed while painting the wall of a bathroom in our house.Fortunately, I wasn’t overcome by fumes, which might have improved the creative process, but I can say that the paint is a shade of beige called lambskin.And I will add, with no small amount of pride, that I picked it out myself. In fact, I have become so good at selecting just the right color that I have crowned myself the Prince of Paint.This is approp…

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“The Diamond’s in the Details”

By Jerry ZezimaAs a guy who gets pooped at the mere thought of washing bird droppings off a car, I never figured I would wax poetic over my amazing ability to clean and wax my wife’s wheels. But …

By Jerry ZezimaAs…

By Jerry ZezimaAs a guy who gets pooped at the mere thought of washing bird droppings off a car, I never figured I would wax poetic over my amazing ability to clean and wax my wife’s wheels. But it turns out I am a gem.That is the expert opinion of a guy who not only owns a car wash, but who knows all about gems because he used to work in a diamond mine.I met Edgar Barbosa, proprietor of Auto Salon Detail Center, after my wife, Sue, asked me to rid her silver sedan of the foul feculence of a flock of flighty fiends.We recently had some tree work done, including the removal of a l…

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“Every Pun Intended”

By Jerry ZezimaWhen it comes to wordplay, I’m the pun and only. Or I had been for the past decade.In 2014, I competed in Punderdome, a contest billed as “New York’s Most Puntastic Competit…

By Jerry ZezimaWh…

By Jerry ZezimaWhen it comes to wordplay, I’m the pun and only. Or I had been for the past decade.In 2014, I competed in Punderdome, a contest billed as “New York’s Most Puntastic Competition.”At the ripe old age of 60, I was the eldest competitor. But I had the ripe stuff because it was my first appearance, I faced 16 other contestants and I beat them all.The grand prize was a fondue maker, which I gave to my wife. It was the least I could fondue.Slow forward to 2024, the 10th anniversary of my champ-pun-ship. To mark the occasion, I made a return engagement, even thoug…

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“The Curse of the Zezbino”

By Jerry ZezimaI will never get into the National Baseball Hall of Fame unless I buy a ticket. That’s because my batting average in Little League was lower than my weight and my winning percentag…

By Jerry ZezimaI …

By Jerry ZezimaI will never get into the National Baseball Hall of Fame unless I buy a ticket. That’s because my batting average in Little League was lower than my weight and my winning percentage as the manager of my daughters’ softball team was just as bad.But even though mighty Jerry struck out countless times, memories of my misadventures on a field of screams came racing back like a fastball I could never hit when I took a recent tour of Fenway Park in Boston.Fenway is the home of my favorite team, the Red Sox. Opened in 1912, it’s the oldest ballpark in the major leagues a…

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“Not Exactly Fast Food”

By Jerry ZezimaI am out to lunch. This is especially true when I make lunch.That’s because, in my incapable hands, organizing the second meal of the day takes so long that I am surprised I hav…

By Jerry ZezimaI …

By Jerry ZezimaI am out to lunch. This is especially true when I make lunch.That’s because, in my incapable hands, organizing the second meal of the day takes so long that I am surprised I haven’t starved to death by now.My wife, Sue, who usually eats lunch with me and simplifies matters by having an apple and a cup of tea, marvels at how I can turn something as easy as making a sandwich or a bowl of soup into something so utterly complicated.Sue will often try to expedite matters by telling me what’s for lunch.“There are leftovers in the fridge,” she will say. Or, “…

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“The Oak’s on Me”

By Jerry ZezimaI know I am going out on a limb by saying this, but in our yard, everything happens in trees.The stately sentinels — mostly oaks, although a modest maple stands out front — se…

By Jerry ZezimaI …

By Jerry ZezimaI know I am going out on a limb by saying this, but in our yard, everything happens in trees.The stately sentinels — mostly oaks, although a modest maple stands out front — serve as headquarters for birds that poop on our cars and squirrels that ravage the garden. The trees also have a nasty habit of being hit by lightning, dropping on power lines and falling on neighbors’ houses.So my wife, Sue, and I called an arbor care specialist who got to the root of the problem by taking down a couple of sickly specimens and pruning others so much that our property looked l…

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