Contributors

By Jerry Zezima Most people would say — especially in the winter, when insects are vacationing in Florida — that they wouldn’t hurt a fly. Not my wife. Sue wouldn’t hurt anything else, inc…

By Jerry Zezima Mo…

By Jerry Zezima Most people would say — especially in the winter, when insects are vacationing in Florida — that they wouldn’t hurt a fly. Not my wife. Sue wouldn’t hurt anything else, including me, even though I’m the biggest pest in the house, but she doesn’t like flies. Or ants. Or spiders. Or any other winged invaders or creepy crawlers that bug the hell out of us once the weather gets warm. That’s why we have had not one, not two but three visits from an exterminator. The first one was Sam, which is short for Samantha. “I’m the only woman exterminator in our …

By Jerry Zezima Romance is in my blood. And I recently proved it by taking my wife for bloodwork. On our anniversary. It was the most romantic thing I have done for Sue since I took her to a lan…

By Jerry Zezima Ro…

By Jerry Zezima Romance is in my blood. And I recently proved it by taking my wife for bloodwork. On our anniversary. It was the most romantic thing I have done for Sue since I took her to a landfill on our anniversary four years ago. I’m surprised she didn’t leave me there. It’s a good thing she didn’t because I wanted this latest expression of love to be in vein, not in vain, which is why I was inspired to be a blood donor. I used to give blood regularly. In fact, I donated so often that I was a member of the Gallon Club, signifying that I had given a gallon of blood, thoug…

By Jerry Zezima If the remains of Jimmy Hoffa are ever found, ending a nearly half-century search for the notorious union boss, I know just where they will be: My office. That’s because I am i…

By Jerry Zezima If…

By Jerry Zezima If the remains of Jimmy Hoffa are ever found, ending a nearly half-century search for the notorious union boss, I know just where they will be: My office. That’s because I am in the middle of one of the biggest cleanups of all time, one that not only rivals the most ambitious urban renewal projects ever undertaken, but could be the basis for an episode of “Unsolved Mysteries.” I am not a scientist, which is a blessing to humanity because I almost blew up the chemistry lab in high school, but I do know about the law of physics, which states that any space — excep…

By Jerry Zezima I haven’t taken a bath since the Johnson administration (Lyndon, not Andrew) and it looks like the drought will continue because boys aren’t allowed in our newly renovated bathro…

By Jerry Zezima I …

By Jerry Zezima I haven’t taken a bath since the Johnson administration (Lyndon, not Andrew) and it looks like the drought will continue because boys aren’t allowed in our newly renovated bathroom. That is the edict handed down by our three granddaughters, ages 11, 7 and 4. Even before the renovation began, they taped a sign to the door reading: GIRL’S ONLY! No boys allowed! Yes, I know the word “girls” should be plural, not possessive, but you must understand that these girls are: (a) young and (b) very possessive of the bathroom they use when they visit our house. Th…

By Jerry Zezima I have always believed that exercise and health food will kill you. This explains why I live in deathly fear of broccoli and don’t do anything more strenuous than getting up twice …

By Jerry Zezima I …

By Jerry Zezima I have always believed that exercise and health food will kill you. This explains why I live in deathly fear of broccoli and don’t do anything more strenuous than getting up twice a night to go to the bathroom. But now that I have reached the ripe old age of 70, and at the urging of my doctor, who takes my health to heart, I have returned to the gym for the first time in more than six months. “It’s been 193 days,” team member Kenzie Evans said after I scanned my card at the front desk and told her I hadn’t been there in a while. “I was in jail for sticking u…