Waking up with Anxiety. Every day.
I recently came to the awareness that I wake up every day in a state of panic.
OK panic might be on the strong side, so let’s say dread, Anxiety.
I am not talking about a one off due to a presentation or a meeting but a standard everyday occurrence.
That is how I wake up. I then internally scan my mental horizon for causes of Stress -and that can indeed be a big meeting etc. but can also just be, what will I do today or a gym class or anything really.
By the time I am up, it is gone.
I am shocked yet recognize that that is what I do. Every day. I find it even more confusing as I pride myself om my happy go lucky, positive outlook and strong inner foundation after years of Personal Development.
I seem, at some subconscious level, to feel deeply unsafe. Asked recently (in a totally different context) to describe a moment when I felt utterly safe: I struggled and to my consternation started crying. I still can’t get my head around it as I have no clear traumas or bad childhood memories that I know of. I decided to leave the WHY for now and focus on what I could change.
So, what DO you do at the young age of 56 to start creating that feeling of safety? I am surrounded by a loving family, partner, and friends. I have a roof over my head and with age have learnt to more or less own all that makes me the wonderfully imperfect being I am.
Which leaves us Money. My bank account empties and fills depending on the clients I have and the trips I plan, and I have always sort of prided myself on not being interested in money. Yet money too is Security, especially when one is freelance, without a Pension or savings.
Money certainly does not guarantee happiness or fulfillment, but it does create options and it does create independence.
So, for now I am embarked (via the educational platform of the online business I am now affiliated with) on a journey of befriending money, of seeing its beauty, it’s worth as a force for good. Of seeing myself as worthy of receiving, holding, and circulating money so I can fully embrace the freedom business model we operate with.
Should any of this resonate with you, reach out and together let’s do something about it.
You DESERVE (to) #beheard #behealthy #befree
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