By Jerry Zezima Every 10 years, my internal clock, which I inadvertently swallowed while eating Jell-O, reminds me to have a colonoscopy. Unfortunately, the sulfate solution I took to wash down the Jell-O and everything else I ingested on my one-day liquid preparation diet would have lost to sewer sludge in a blind taste test. […]

By Jerry Zezima You can make book on the fact that I’m not a guy to sweep things under the rug. But you may be floored to know that I brought the hammer down on our latest home improvement project. That’s why I had to clean my office of enough books to bury Moby-Dick so […]

By Jerry Zezima I like to think I’m a tough cookie, but my sweet tooth, which may have a cavity, can’t resist the treats sold every year by the Girl Scouts. That’s why I have bought two boxes of cookies from my 8-year-old granddaughter, who represents the third generation of Girl Scouts in our family. […]

By Jerry Zezima When you’re retired, you don’t live in the fast lane. In fact, my wife, Sue, and I are on the side of the road with a flat tire. The tradeoff is that you can’t get fired from a job you don’t have. Still, there has been great concern by a certain prominent […]

By Jerry Zezima To sleep — perchance to snore. Ay, there’s the rib, which my wife, Sue, pokes every time I snore while she’s trying to sleep. My unconscious imitation of a buzzsaw, which I allegedly do often enough that Sue has to go into another room to get a good night’s slumber, is the […]

By Jerry Zezima When you’re a grandparent, you want only the best for the newest addition to the family. That’s why my wife, Sue, and I went shopping in anticipation of baby’s first visit and came home with everything the little one needs, including a bowl for food, one for water, a stick for teething, […]

By Jerry Zezima Row, row, row my seat swiftly down the track. Warily, warily, warily, warily, my body’s out of whack. That’s the tune I sang to myself — because I didn’t want to scare everyone else at the gym — as I rocked and rolled on a rowing machine under the expert guidance of […]

By Jerry Zezima No matter what I do, whether it’s good, bad or just plain stupid, my wife, Sue, has my back. And I have hers. But lately, neither one of us has wanted to make the exchange. That’s because we both threw our backs out. I injured mine while cleaning the bathroom, which is […]

By Jerry Zezima I have always believed that if you have an appointment with an eye doctor, you should show up late. When the doctor asks why you weren’t on time, you can say, “I couldn’t find you.” This will let him or her see — with the aid of prescription glasses, because eye doctors […]

By Jerry Zezima If you want something done, goes an old saying, do it yourself. Unless you’re me, in which case you not only have a lot to worry about but couldn’t finish a do-it-yourself project or write a self-help book without asking someone else (not me) for help. This is especially true when it […]