“I don’t get no respect, y’know what I mean.”

“You know the definition of a consultant?”

I was at a wedding dinner and the question came from another friend of the father of the bride. I had retired recently, but this entrepreneur didn’t accept that as the answer to the “What do you do?” question. “What did you used to do?” was the follow-up and when I told him he continued with a consultant joke that I’d heard, oh, I don’t know, a million times?

“A guy who knows a thousand ways to make love, but doesn’t know any women.”

“Did I mention that I worked in the field for thirty-seven years? I think I may have heard all the jokes. Tell me what you do?”

He was CEO of his wife’s family’s company, a distributer of certain intermediate chemicals, but he had started, folded and sold several businesses. He was a nice guy and we found that we had a lot in common, but not our financial net worth.

The joke loosely translated means, “if you’re so smart, why ain’t you rich?”

Telling consultant jokes is sometimes a trifle aggressive. Perhaps this is a defensive reaction to arrogant young know-it-all types who are themselves “powering up” because they are insecure.

None-the-less in thirty seven years as a consultant I experienced many people just had “to tell the funniest joke.”  It used to bother me. I used to feel like the comedian Rodney Dangerfield whose signature line, “I don’t get no respect, y’know what I mean.” heads this section. But I think there is something consultants might learn from consultant jokes.

Finding meaning in jokes

In order for a joke to be funny it must contain some truth. Let’s examine the truth and messages in some consultant jokes

Consultants have no practical knowledge.

The “thousand ways to make love” joke and many others communicate that consultants don’t know anything, have never done anything, and are pretty much useless.

“A consultant is someone who when you ask for the time borrows your watch.”

“How many consultants does it take to screw in a light bulb? I’ll get back to you Monday on that.”

“ A stranger asks a shepherd ‘If I can tell you how many sheep you have without counting them would you give me one as a fee?’ When the shepherd agrees the stranger uses his laptop and a satellite connection and complex calculations and comes up with the right number, and picks up a sheep as payment. The shepherd correctly identifies the stranger as a consultant. ‘How did you know?’ ‘Because you gave me information that I didn’t ask for and already know for a ridiculous fee. Now give me back my dog’”

Message:

Consultants are hired because they “know” how to solve some a problem, but first they must “Learn.” Even an expert consultant who worked in the client’s industry for years has to learn the client’s specific business and company culture. Many consultants are more junior and the client feels that they are “training baby consultants.” The steep learning curve at the beginning of every engagement is what attracts some to consulting, but it can seem like “borrowing the client’s watch.”

Actions:

• Educate the team as much as possible from publicly available information before they arrive on client site.
• Thoroughly explain the client’s role in engaging with the work including educating the consulting team about company specifics and helping to find data. An engaged client helps ensure and accelerate implementation.
• Focus the work on results, outcomes like increased revenue, reduced cost, quantity, quality, timeliness, instead of service offering deliverables.
• Teach the client what you do, so the next time they can do it themselves.

Consultants are greedy and destructive.

When clients complain about fees, when their people compare how much junior consultants make vs. their own salaries, it is about relative value. Clients often complain about fear-driven sales tactics, “the worst I’ve ever seen. I hope your bosses [the board, the analysts] don’t find out.” Sometimes insecure consultants (jerks) demoralize client staff. Sometimes an engagement is extraordinarily disruptive. “Changing the tires on a Moving vehicle,” sounds heroic until you try it. All these experiences have an impact on the perception of value.

“Difference between a lawyer and a consultant? A lawyer only has one hand in your pocket.”

“Ask them the time, they steal your watch.”

“A consultant, an engineer, and a prostitute were arguing  which was the oldest profession. . . the consultant was heard to say, “OK I gel the serpent in the Garden, and then that God the Engineer brought forth Order out of Chaos. Who do you think created the Chaos?”

Message:

Many consultants are allergic to the word “sell.” They think selling is relegated to the much maligned salesman on the used car lot, not “professionals serving executives.” Despite that, consultants are always selling. Extensions (making the existing project last longer) and expansions (replicating the existing project in another buying center) are criteria for promotion to junior partner. Major client acquisition (rainmaking) is often the criterion for promotion to full partner. The “pitch for additional work” is frequently a part of every final presentation.

Actions:

• Focus the work on results not service offering deliverables. I know I said this already, but the only way out of being regarded as expensive is to deliver more perceived value than cost. If the economic outcome is greater than the cost, the client may be less likely to call you a thief.
• If the client is responsible for implementation, make sure they are prepared to implement. Money spent on recommendations not implemented is waste that will likely be attributed to you.
• Don’t pitch additional work until what you promised has been delivered.

Jokes consultants tell about themselves

Consultants often tell jokes about their lifestyle.

Introduce yourself to your next door neighbor for the third time this year? You might be a consultant.”

“What I’m looking for in my second wife [husband]. . . No wait. .  I mean third . . . is someone who won’t go ballistic when I say ‘Can we put that on the parking lot?’”

Three consultants are in the hotel bar at midnight talking about the best experiences of their lives. “Sure, sure, a home cooked meal is great, and I remember sex being terrific, but have you ever had a meeting you were unprepared for cancelled at the last minute.”

Consulting is a tough lifestyle, but clients will not appreciate your whining about that or about the consultant jokes.

As a consultant help clients buy for the right reasons and deliver value:

• Emphasize economic outcomes and how to achieve them
• Prepare to disengage. Don’t put more emphasis on “additional work” at the expense of achieving outcomes of this project.
• Don’t create enemies in the workforce by sowing chaos and fear.
• Develop capability and not dependence in your clients.
• Be helpful – remembering that help is defined by the recipient and help, which isn’t asked for, isn’t help. It’s interference.

Maybe if consultants do these things there will be fewer consultant jokes? Probably unrealistic.

“How do you know if a consultant went to Harvard?”

“He will tell you.”