By Jerry Zezima I haven’t taken a bath since the Johnson administration (Lyndon, not Andrew) and it looks like the drought will continue because boys aren’t allowed in our newly renovated bathroom. That is the edict handed down by our three granddaughters, ages 11, 7 and 4. Even before the renovation began, they taped a […]

By Jerry Zezima I have always believed that exercise and health food will kill you. This explains why I live in deathly fear of broccoli and don’t do anything more strenuous than getting up twice a night to go to the bathroom. But now that I have reached the ripe old age of 70, and […]

By Jerry Zezima My wife and I are in better shape than our house. That’s saying something — I don’t know what, but it probably can’t be repeated in polite company — because Sue and I are 70 and our house is 50. Despite the age difference, our joints hurt less than our joint. We […]

By Jerry Zezima Jerry had a little lamb. It was a shade of paint. It went right on the bathroom wall. The fumes could make you faint. That’s the nursery rhyme I composed while painting the wall of a bathroom in our house. Fortunately, I wasn’t overcome by fumes, which might have improved the creative […]

By Jerry Zezima As a guy who gets pooped at the mere thought of washing bird droppings off a car, I never figured I would wax poetic over my amazing ability to clean and wax my wife’s wheels. But it turns out I am a gem. That is the expert opinion of a guy who […]

By Jerry Zezima When it comes to wordplay, I’m the pun and only. Or I had been for the past decade. In 2014, I competed in Punderdome, a contest billed as “New York’s Most Puntastic Competition.” At the ripe old age of 60, I was the eldest competitor. But I had the ripe stuff because […]

By Jerry Zezima I will never get into the National Baseball Hall of Fame unless I buy a ticket. That’s because my batting average in Little League was lower than my weight and my winning percentage as the manager of my daughters’ softball team was just as bad. But even though mighty Jerry struck out […]

By Jerry Zezima I am out to lunch. This is especially true when I make lunch. That’s because, in my incapable hands, organizing the second meal of the day takes so long that I am surprised I haven’t starved to death by now. My wife, Sue, who usually eats lunch with me and simplifies matters […]

By Jerry Zezima I know I am going out on a limb by saying this, but in our yard, everything happens in trees. The stately sentinels — mostly oaks, although a modest maple stands out front — serve as headquarters for birds that poop on our cars and squirrels that ravage the garden. The trees […]

By Jerry Zezima The day after I turned 70, I got an email urging me to buy burial insurance. “Now more than ever, it’s time to make sure your family is protected,” it said. “You may qualify for amazing rates on burial policies!” I was sure I didn’t qualify because I am not — at […]