By Jerry Zezima Thanks to the wonderful values instilled in me at Saint Michael’s College in Colchester, Vermont, where I graduated magna cum lager, I do not (as yet) have a criminal record. But I do have a happy marriage because my wife, Sue, also went to St. Mike’s and recently accompanied me to our […]

By Jerry Zezima If a shampoo were ever named after me, which would work everyone else into a lather, it would be called Empty Head & Shoulders. That’s because I have more gray matter on the outside of my head than I do on the inside.  My barber, Maria Santos, knows this and has not […]

By Jerry Zezima As chairman of the bored in my house, a responsibility I take sitting down, I am thrilled to announce that I have a new chair in my office. My only worry is that, as with all the other chairs I have ever had, I will lose possession of this one to either […]

By Jerry Zezima On May 23, 1985, a date which will live in journalistic infamy, my first humor column was published. Now, 40 years later, I am still writing it for two unsound reasons: I am spectacularly unqualified to do anything else and nobody has stopped me. I knew I wanted to be a writer […]

By Jerry Zezima As a man of vision, which has saved me from walking into walls, I can see clearly that my eyes aren’t what they used to be. In fact, they used to be martini olives. Those were the days! At any rate, I now need my wife’s glasses to read books, newspapers, emails, […]

By Jerry Zezima You scream, I scream, we all scream for … Beer! Well, I do when the grandkids aren’t around. But when they are, we all scream for ice cream. My screaming happens when I eat it too fast and get brain freeze, which I would get even if I were marooned on the […]

By Jerry Zezima I may be barking up the wrong tree, but as a human who has been owned by several canines, I am in a good position — standing, running or being yanked in several directions at once — to pass along my expert tips on walking a dog. Tip No. 1: You do […]

By Jerry Zezima Everyone knows that heat rises. Everyone also knows that I am full of hot air. Therefore, you could say with scientific certainty that I am an airhead. But you would be wrong. That’s because, according to a respected sleep specialist, my head doesn’t get sufficient air. That was the alarming finding in […]

By Jerry Zezima When you get to be my age (old enough to know better), it’s hard to remember things. At least I think so. I can’t remember. So you’d think modern technology would be helpful, but it isn’t. There’s artificial intelligence. Let me tell you something: I was born with artificial intelligence. It doesn’t […]

By Jerry Zezima Now that my office has new flooring and is finally so clean that it could win an award from Good Housekeeping, I am turning over a new leaf. Actually, 17 new leaves, which belong to a houseplant that my wife, Sue, gave to me so I could have someone (or something) to […]