By Jerry Zezima For a guy who has often been told to take a hike, I am getting nowhere fast. That’s because I have gone back to the gym, after taking a breather for several weeks, only to discover that you need to be a rocket scientist to use the new treadmills. The old machines […]

By Jerry Zezima If there is one thing I don’t want to get off my chest, it’s hair, which is usually ripped out by the roots when I have a medical procedure. What I do want to get off my chest is an aortic aneurysm, which is why I recently had a CAT scan, at […]

By Jerry Zezima When a guy tells incredibly stupid jokes during the day and emits window-rattling snores at night, his wife could not be blamed for telling him to keep his mouth shut. That is why my wife, Sue, was thrilled to hear that a respiratory technician told me the same thing. “Keep your mouth […]

By Jerry Zezima I would say that my wife and I have an open door policy in our house, but it takes us so long to leave the premises that we have to close the door or flies will get in. No matter where we are going, either together or separately, we need a list […]

By Jerry Zezima When it comes to getting a good night’s sleep, no snooze is bad news. At least it is for my wife, Sue, who claims she is often kept awake by my snoring, which she once said makes me sound — this is a direct quote — “like Mount Vesuvius.” “This means,” I […]

By Jerry Zezima Because I’m a guy who likes to be clean and fresh — my wife would raise a stink if I weren’t — I get burned up by showers that leave me cold. That’s what happened one morning when I took a shower in water so absolutely freezing that it could have sent […]

By Jerry Zezima I am a lightheaded homeowner who knows that a house is not a home unless there is something to do. And there always is. That’s why I want to buy — with the approval of the bank, the federal government and, most important, my wife — a lighthouse. I admit that I […]

By Jerry Zezima I have 32 pairs of drawers in my drawers. That’s one pair of underwear for every day of the longest months of the year with one pair left over, plus two left over for every day of every month that has 30 days, except February, which has 28, though in leap years […]

By Jerry Zezima I have been driving people crazy my whole life. But since I got my driver’s license at the tender age of 16, I have been driving them in my car. That changed recently when I had the rare opportunity to be driven myself. And although I was sitting in the front passenger […]

By Jerry Zezima I have often told my wife that I’m like crabgrass: She can’t get rid of me. Now that we have real crabgrass on our lawn, I’m trying to get rid of it. The problem, according to Vinny, our turf guru, is that I am not spreading fertilizer. “I’ve been spreading it for […]