By Jerry Zezima When it comes to household chores, I work for free. And I’m worth every penny. But since I’m on a fixed income, I am thinking of charging for my services. “You don’t do anything,” said my wife, Sue, who is the family banker. “That’s not true,” I replied defensively. “What do you […]
By Jerry Zezima Since I am in the holiday spirit (and, having just consumed a mug of hot toddy, a glass of eggnog and a nip of cheer, the holiday spirits are in me), I have decided to follow in that great tradition of boring everyone silly by writing a Christmas letter. That is why […]
By Jerry Zezima I may not be the chief cook in my house (that would be my wife, Sue, without whom I would have starved to death long ago), but I am the chief bottle washer. And I don’t wash only bottles. I also clean glasses, mugs, cups, saucers, bowls, plates, pots, pans, tongs, whisks, […]
By Jerry Zezima For a double-visionary like me, the daily dilemma is not whether I can’t find my eyeglasses, in which case I would need a pair in order to find them, but why I forgot to bring them upstairs so I can see well enough to write drivel like this. Until a few months […]
By Jerry Zezima I don’t want to toot my own horn — that’s because I can’t play the tuba and tooting is rude, especially at the dinner table — but I have come up with a brilliant way to get rid of all those irritating scammers who call me every day, at all hours, especially […]
By Jerry Zezima I am a human Bigfoot. I am taking the bold step of admitting this for two unsettling reasons: 1. My feet seem to be getting bigger. 2. The most fashionable shoes I own are a brand-new pair of slippers. The alarming increase in the length, width and overall size of my already […]
By Jerry Zezima For a guy who has often been told to take a hike, I am getting nowhere fast. That’s because I have gone back to the gym, after taking a breather for several weeks, only to discover that you need to be a rocket scientist to use the new treadmills. The old machines […]
By Jerry Zezima If there is one thing I don’t want to get off my chest, it’s hair, which is usually ripped out by the roots when I have a medical procedure. What I do want to get off my chest is an aortic aneurysm, which is why I recently had a CAT scan, at […]
By Jerry Zezima When a guy tells incredibly stupid jokes during the day and emits window-rattling snores at night, his wife could not be blamed for telling him to keep his mouth shut. That is why my wife, Sue, was thrilled to hear that a respiratory technician told me the same thing. “Keep your mouth […]
By Jerry Zezima I would say that my wife and I have an open door policy in our house, but it takes us so long to leave the premises that we have to close the door or flies will get in. No matter where we are going, either together or separately, we need a list […]
