By Jerry Zezima When it comes to getting a good night’s sleep, no snooze is bad news. At least it is for my wife, Sue, who claims she is often kept awake by my snoring, which she once said makes me sound — this is a direct quote — “like Mount Vesuvius.” “This means,” I […]
By Jerry Zezima Because I’m a guy who likes to be clean and fresh — my wife would raise a stink if I weren’t — I get burned up by showers that leave me cold. That’s what happened one morning when I took a shower in water so absolutely freezing that it could have sent […]
By Jerry Zezima I am a lightheaded homeowner who knows that a house is not a home unless there is something to do. And there always is. That’s why I want to buy — with the approval of the bank, the federal government and, most important, my wife — a lighthouse. I admit that I […]
By Jerry Zezima I have 32 pairs of drawers in my drawers. That’s one pair of underwear for every day of the longest months of the year with one pair left over, plus two left over for every day of every month that has 30 days, except February, which has 28, though in leap years […]
By Jerry Zezima I have been driving people crazy my whole life. But since I got my driver’s license at the tender age of 16, I have been driving them in my car. That changed recently when I had the rare opportunity to be driven myself. And although I was sitting in the front passenger […]
By Jerry Zezima I have often told my wife that I’m like crabgrass: She can’t get rid of me. Now that we have real crabgrass on our lawn, I’m trying to get rid of it. The problem, according to Vinny, our turf guru, is that I am not spreading fertilizer. “I’ve been spreading it for […]
By Jerry Zezima As a man of many words, not all of which can be used in a family newspaper, I am delighted to announce that our special guest today is Prof. Ludwig Lingo, the noted linguistics expert and an ardent fighter of crimes against the English language. JZ: Welcome, Prof. Lingo. What’s the good […]
By Jerry Zezima Something fishy is going on in my family. And it involves, for approximately the hundredth time, a dead fish. The latest fine finny friend to go belly-up was Igor, a blue boy betta who belonged to two of my granddaughters, which made him, I guess, my grandfish. But not to worry: There’s […]
By Jerry Zezima I’m the very model of the modern marching man. And I am determined to put one foot in front of the other until I walk headlong into a wall. But I can’t say the same for the vast majority of walkers who don’t seem to know where they are going, usually while […]
By Jerry Zezima With apologies to Mick Jagger, my kidneys have produced more rolling stones than he’s ever had. That’s why I got satisfaction from a radiology report showing that my career as a rock star could mercifully be over. On orders from my urologist, who must feel like a miner because he has excavated […]
