Here’s a question for you:

Would you sign a card for someone you don’t know (or only minimally know)?

This is a quandary I was faced with 20 years ago.

It was my first day in a new company and I was sat at my desk trying to work out my new laptop when someone came up to me and said:

“Do you want to sign the card?”

“What card?” I replied.

“The leaving card for Stephen, ” they said

“Sure, give it here,” I said instinctively and placed my name and a short message alongside those of many others even though I had no idea who Stephen was — I even stuck a fiver in for the gift collection they were doing 🫡

To this day, I have no idea how Stephen reacted when he saw a card with a signature of someone he didn’t know in it…and I have no idea what leaving gift they got him.

In my mind it was such an obvious thing to do; I was fairly sure that Stephen didn’t mind at all having an extra signature and it was nice to be included. What I didn’t realise was that not everyone had the same attitude as me… 🫨

The other side of the coin

Fast forward a few years and I was at another company. I was running a small team and it was one of their birthdays so I went out, bought a cake and a birthday card.

I got everyone in the team to sign it but there was only 2 of them so the card looked a bit anaemic 😬.

“Not a problem!” I thought, “time to go round the office and collect a few more inscriptions”.

I went round from desk to desk asking people to sign the card for Chris’ birthday.

Most people happily obliged, either because they knew Chris or because they held a similar view to me of: “Why not?”

However, I soon encountered a gentleman that held the opposite view:

“Why would I sign a card for someone I don’t know? ” he asked.

“Oh, it’s Chris, he sits over there, lovely bloke. He’ll really appreciate a full card and you can come have some cake,” I replied

“Nope, I refuse to do that.” The gentleman was not for turning.

Back and forth we went as I tried to convince him that there was no downside to him signing [it wasn’t a giant scam to get his signature] and that there was no need for him to be self conscious about it as likely Chris wouldn’t even realise [this is a version of the spotlight effect, a psychological behaviour where we over-emphasise how much others are thinking about us].

But no, he wouldn’t sign and, in fact, got somewhat hostile so I ended up leaving him alone.

I was a bit shaken up by this, having thought that most people would be happy to sign a random card.

Since then, as I’ve gone through life, I realise that I was a bit naïve and not everyone views the world as I do.

It’s not just signing random cards that people hesitate on

In my inquiries, I’ve discovered that there are many similar situations that create strong divides amongst people:

• Would you talk to a stranger sat next to you on a long plane ride?
• Would you hold the lift for a stranger?
• Would you help a stranger with directions in the street?
• Would you look after a stranger’s bag in a café while they go to the toilet?
• Would you help a stranger with a heavy bag struggling up some stairs?

There are hundreds of similar examples and my default answer for these is always yes [in fact I once ended up accompanying an elderly lady with her weekly shop because she asked me to help her cross the road and another time, I ended up on a train after midnight going out of London because I had helped a guy in a wheelchair make it onboard].

My belief is that these are the right things to do, the things that bring more empathy and more connections in life. Invariably these things cost you so little but can help so much (and I’m talking about for the giver as much as the receiver).

Of course, everyone is entitled to do their own thing but I feel that for those whose instinct is to not do these things; they miss out on the warm glow you get from helping others and, potentially, the other random good things that might come about.

Taking it to the next level — simple techniques to spread joy

I totally appreciate that I may go a bit over the top in this but, I long since extrapolated my beliefs in this dimension and go a step further in my interactions.

Nowadays you will find that I:

• Send every new social media connection a personalised message to say hi (rather than be a faceless connection) — it’s amazing how much that seems to bamboozle people
• Offer to have coffee with anyone who wants one — it could be a new connection, an old acquaintance, a prospective client or someone who needs a bit of guidance; I also tend to pay as a nice gesture
• Send everyone I know a birthday voice note on their birthday and a congratulations when they get a promo, new job or other similar good news
• Stay in touch with old acquaintances
• Offer mentoring for anyone at the start of their career, out of work or having a hard time
• Look for people who are on the periphery at events and invite them into whatever group I am in
• Introduce everyone to everyone else at networking events, just in case
• Learn people’s names as quickly as possible, ensure I pronounce them correctly and use them extensively
• Write Public Service Announcements and blogs for questions I get asked a lot — like this and this and this
• Listen more than I speak and only offer solutions/opinions if asked for
• Share the good and the bad of my days as an entrepreneur
• Smile a lot, tell crap jokes and always have an embarrassing story about me ready to share

I’ve found, time and time again, that these little things spread joy and make such a difference.

So, if you are looking to develop more EQ, you could do worse than start trying some of the above. Ultimately follow this mantra if you can.

Keep me informed how you get on; if you need any help, you know where I am 😊.

Faris

Faris is the CEO and Founder of Shiageto Consulting, an innovative consultancy that helps firms and individuals sharpen their effectiveness. Connect with him here

Success = IQ x EQ x FQ

Want to assess your levels of IQ, EQ and FQ? click here

Originally Published on https://farisaranki.medium.com/

Faris Aranki Strategy & Emotional Intelligence

Having spent over 20 years delivering strategic change for the corporate and non-corporate worlds, Faris has experienced first-hand the fine differences between strategic success and failure.
His work has spanned numerous companies (from global behemoths to small start-ups), in numerous countries, across a range of sectors, supporting them all to unlock strategic success.

He came to realize that often what hinders institutions from achieving their goals goes beyond the quality of their strategy; it is their ability to engage effectively with others at all levels and remove barriers in their way. This has led to his passion for improving strategic effectiveness within all businesses and individuals and the foundation of Shiageto Consulting.

Over time, Faris has worked to distill his knowledge of how to solve complex problems in a structured manner combined with his skill on engaging effectively with others and his ability to quickly determine the barriers to a strategy's success. This knowledge has formed the foundation of Shiageto’s workshops, courses and methodologies. Faris believes that any firm or team can adopt these improvements; all it requires is a little of the right support -something Shiageto provides!

On top of leading our business, Faris is now an accomplished speaker and contributor for a variety of outlets.