Today is the day…Pub Day!
The Mentorship Edge launches today. The Mentorship Edge
Please let me know your thoughts and comments. Writing this book has been a true labor of love.
The Right Side of 40 is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.
Chapter 1: We Are Built to Mentor
At birth we begin an emotional journey that propels us from the vulnerability of infancy, where we rely on trust in those who care for us, to the autonomy of childhood, where we eagerly embrace new experiences and master skills. This climb continues from adolescence, where we form our enduring identity, through young adulthood, where we form meaningful Relationships, through later adulthood, where we focus on productively giving, and culminating in our senior years, where we reflect on our life’s journey (hopefully positively).
Our early years largely focus on our physical development. As we get older, we must shift from the physical trajectory, which has a steep incline from birth through our early 20s, where our physical abilities peak, and then a steady decline (Figure 1.1). Most of us focus on our physical trajectory, which makes growing older scary. What most don’t recognize is that our emotional course follows a steady incline from birth until our last breath (Figure 1.2). Our emotional path never declines! As we age, our emotions serve as guiding forces, prompting us to continue to evolve, to share our accumulated Wisdom, and to shape a Legacy that fulfills us. We are happier as we grow older despite our physical trajectory. I am 55 as I write this, and as I say to my undergraduate students each semester, “I can’t run as fast as you, but I am happier than I was when I was your age.” This is typical for adults. As we need reading glasses, can’t run as fast, and gather wrinkles, most of us wouldn’t trade our emotional well-being for that when we were 18, wrinkle- and reading glasses–free. I worked with a client who was in his mid-70s, suffered from COPD, and had very limited mobility. I asked how he felt. He said, “I feel just fine. I can read, work on the computer, and see my children and grandchildren.” Others assumed his physical state would deem him miserable, but he was just the opposite. He was satisfied with his life. He wanted to live longer and looked forward to each day.
Our emotions inspire continuous self-improvement, a desire to share our knowledge with others, and the creation of a legacy that resonates with purpose. The stages these emotions help to create are universal. They transcend geographical boundaries, financial status, and work. We are inherently wired to share rather than hoard our emotional wealth.
Consider the iconic cartoon character Daffy Duck, comically standing atop a mound of riches, exclaiming, “Mine, mine, all mine.” The humor lies in recognizing that wealth alone does not define our core desires. Reflect on the actions you take for yourself and compare them to those you perform for others. Most people don’t want to stand alone with a pile of riches but would rather share them in joy with others. As we navigate through life, we rarely consider the emotional dimensions that underlie our choices, overlooking the importance or value of our emotional life. We don’t think about how good it feels to share, to see the world through the eyes of someone as they unwrap a gift we know they’ll treasure. Think of any Hallmark movie, with the grandparent taking the grandchild fishing and the joy that is the classic calling card that makes those movies popular.
In film, cinematic narratives vividly portray characters who undergo transformative journeys, mirroring the dynamics of real-life emotional Growth. Take, for instance, the Grinch, whose self-serving nature initially compels him to sabotage the joyous celebrations of others. However, his heart undergoes a profound transformation when he discovers that true fulfillment comes from giving and fostering meaningful connections. The adage “’Tis better to give than to receive” is psychologically and empirically true. The examples in film are accurate in life too. We get so much from giving. It feels as if our own hearts grow three sizes when we see others accepting our gifts, whether they be a coveted physical gift or an abstract transfer of knowledge or wisdom.
Fictional characters such as Ebenezer Scrooge exemplify the innate human desire to give back, transcending material wealth in search of genuine joy. I call this the Ebenezer effect. Scrooge was a self-made man, wealthy, living in a mansion with servants taking care of his every need. But he was miserable until he became generative (having an innate urge to care for others without expecting anything in return) and gave back. As soon as he shared, he felt joy. The story works because this is how it is in real life, too. Although outliers may exist—individuals who cling to their riches without sharing, focusing solely on themselves—such instances are exceptions rather than the norm, and many/most individuals undergo transformative changes before the end of their lives.
We, as individuals, become mentors not merely out of duty or a sense of responsibility but to experience the profound sense of being needed, useful, valued, and purposeful. We experience the joy of seeing our torch of wisdom being accepted by our mentee. Mentoring is a reciprocal exchange, providing validation, relevance, a lasting legacy, and a sense of profound meaning. As our physical bodies inevitably undergo negative changes with time, our minds and emotions continue to expand, fostering a journey of generativity that enhances the quality of our lives. Feeling validated, useful, valued, purposeful, and relevant are all basic emotional needs we are built to seek, and they bring us fulfillment because we understand (even if not consciously) that mentoring provides us with a legacy, meaning, and fulfillment. We aren’t just checking boxes leading to success. We are reaping the emotional rewards that come from caring.
I always refer to Marshall Goldsmith as Mr. Generativity. Acknowledged as one of the foremost business thinkers globally, Marshall has consistently held the title of the top-rated executive coach by Thinkers 50 since 2011. He has worked with top business leaders and other leadership coaches for decades. He’s developed his own method for Coaching and has built a reputation and company to teach other top coaches his method. At an age when most consider Retirement, Marshall decided to give back everything he built up at no cost. He posted on LinkedIn offering to teach his coaching method to the first 15 people who responded and agreed to pay it forward. Much to his surprise, 18,000 people replied. What began with 25 coaches quickly became the 100 Coaches™ organization, representing a spectrum of global talent from coaches to business leaders. This group of people who wanted to learn Marshall’s method for free led to the formation of the company. He passes his expertise and wisdom to the top through monthly Zoom meetings, coaching workshops, in-person gatherings, and small group get-togethers with coaches throughout the year. They pass it on to their protégés worldwide through coaching and the books and podcasts they publish.
Generativity’s Roots
I’ve used the word “generativity” several times in the chapter, but what does it mean? World-renowned developmental psychologist Erik Erikson introduced the concept of generativity to encapsulate the emotional growth and altruism that define a significant phase of our lives. According to Erikson, generativity is when a “mature man needs to be needed” (Erikson 1993). It is characterized by caring for others without expecting anything in return. Engaging in generative acts is emotionally and psychologically healthy and deeply gratifying. And it’s easy. We can all engage in three forms of generativity: Volunteering, Philanthropy, and mentoring. I focus on mentoring because, whereas philanthropy requires giving Money and volunteering to give time, mentoring is giving a piece of yourself to another to carry on something of you. It becomes a form of immortality as legacies are created, the wheels of Innovation continue, and skills, values, and knowledge are passed on. When culture advances in a positive way, it is through this kind of generativity. While all forms of generativity are valuable, mentoring is the most personal and can make the longest-lasting impact. Religious beliefs, which have been passed down for centuries, are a prime example. Science, which builds on prior work, taught through mentoring, is another example. Recipes, values, and culture are long-lasting and continued because of mentorship that passes them down from generation to generation.
Generosity lies at the heart of generativity, as Stephen Post and Jill Neimark highlighted in their bestselling book Why Good Things Happen to Good People (2007). Giving to others is a form of self-forgiveness, contributing to overall well-being. Giving does not only benefit the receiver; individuals who engage in acts of generosity enjoy improved physical and psychological health. Generosity is often mistaken for generativity. Reciprocity is as well. I like to differentiate between the three: generativity vs. reciprocity and generosity (Figure 1.3). The breakdown is simple. If something can be generated beyond the transaction, it is generativity. Generosity is just as we know it to be: a kind gesture. An example is going to an ice cream shop, and the person behind the counter gives you an extra scoop of ice cream free of charge. That is generous. Reciprocity is a tit for tat. You scratch my back, and I’ll scratch yours. There is an expectation that if you help someone, they will return the favor. Generativity is putting your expertise out to others in a nurturing and caring way without expecting anything in return. An example is mentoring. When you mentor someone, you are generating something that was inside of you in someone else. Whether one embarks on generativity early or later in life, the positive effects are transformative, leading to lower Stress levels, enhanced physical health, and a profound sense of redemption, pleasure, fulfillment, and happiness. In essence, Generativity becomes a reciprocal source of joy—a win-win scenario where one’s efforts to help others also yield personal benefits.
Figure 1.3 Generativity vs. reciprocity and generosity. [c01f003.tif]
Differentiating between generativity, reciprocity, and generosity is crucial. Acts of kindness don’t capture generativity; true mentoring involves pushing a part of oneself into the world, creating something new (generating something)—a legacy. Mentoring surpasses simple favors or expecting something in return. Consider a grandmother passing down a holiday meal recipe; the generative act isn’t about reciprocation but about perpetuating a legacy. I have my grandmother’s Thanksgiving turkey recipe, a cherished link in my familial chain. Learning rituals and cultural traditions, a form of mentoring, ensures the passage of these practices through generations. In my kitchen, a tattered picture displays my grandmother’s handwritten recipe for Thanksgiving turkey. Apparently originating from her mother, it was passed down to my mother and now to me. I pull it out every year and make the turkey for my family, intending to pass the recipe down to my children—keeping the tradition alive.
How Generativity Unfolds
Although generativity typically emerges in midlife, its timeline is fluid, much like any developmental process. Just as a baby may take their first steps at 9 or 15 months and still be considered normal, individuals may experience generativity at varying times in their lives. But the typical sequence tends to go as follows. Our 30s typically mark a period of intimacy development, where we form reciprocally close relationships with those who truly matter to us—shedding the superficial connections of earlier years (interpersonal giving to “special” others). As we transition into our 40s, a natural inclination toward generativity takes root, prompting us to look beyond ourselves, consider our accomplishments, and develop a broader concern for others. Generativity is the emotional life stage that takes up most of our adult lives.
Generativity is a transformative stage, transitioning from a potentially harried and energy-filled Lifestyle to a more serene and contented mode of functioning. To be generative requires the involvement of others, and as we traverse this path, we often reflect on the mentors who have shaped us. We have been mentored in various domains such as church, sports, school, and family—unrecognized by us at times. As we switch sides and approach the role of becoming the mentor, we pass the torch to the next generation, becoming conduits for the wisdom imparted to us by mentors in previous facets of our lives.
There are numerous examples of generativity in film. Popular family movies such as Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory and the Karate Kid series exemplify generativity, contributing to their enduring popularity. In Willy Wonka, the middle-aged character, without children, seeks a successor for his chocolate factory through unorthodox mentorship and a selection process, highlighting generative themes. Similarly, the Karate Kid series features Mr. Miyagi, an older karate expert, mentoring a neighborhood kid, fostering a bond and mutual care. The generative theme, extending beyond martial arts, underscores life lessons. By recognizing generativity in everyday media, we can integrate it into our Consciousness, facilitating a quicker and easier embrace of its positive effects.
Generativity, as I have come to understand it, encapsulates the center of the intricate journey of life. While our early and midlife years may be preoccupied with the negative facets of Aging, such as physical decline and the fear of wrinkles, illness, cognitive decline, and becoming a burden, in that stage of our lives our psychological development flourishes. As our bodies undergo subtle changes—requiring reading glasses or experiencing a decrease in physical strength—our minds evolve, contributing to increasing emotional growth. The benefits of psychological development may not be immediately apparent, especially to the younger generation fixated on more tangible pleasures. However, the rewards become increasingly evident in late midlife. This is when our desire to mentor is at its peak.
Mentoring as a Form of Generativity
Mentoring is often misconstrued as a task, with the directive to “find a mentor,” lacking consideration for the meaningful connection. The focus tends to be on the mentee—having someone guide the mentee up the ladder of success, neglecting the mentor. True mentorship must involve the mentor’s intrinsic desire to impart their wisdom, not just the mentee’s desire to receive guidance, as it is a generative process, not merely extracting expertise from someone else. Bluntly, most people are looking at mentorship backward. Mentorship comes from the mentor and is intrinsically motivated (just like we are intrinsically motivated to volunteer at a soup kitchen). This is one reason mentoring programs often fail in work settings. The perspective is on the mentee and the benefits the mentee can get, not the mentor-mentee relationship. When people tell me (and this happens a lot) that their mandatory mentorship programs are not working—no one signs up—it is because it is setting up the mentor to be in an extrinsically motivated position to help someone (just like we expect pay when working behind the counter at Starbucks). Companies set up their mentorship programs to remove the generativity component from the equation, which, in essence, is not a mentorship program but a required task involving reciprocity. The person engages in the program, and they are rewarded by their job in a better job performance evaluation, they’ve checked a required box, or they get paid. The goal is to have a mentee learn and advance without any thought or consideration for the mentor. These models rarely work well and, in many cases, are transactional interactions rather than true mentorship. A solution for this is to form a mentorship program based on the mentor and the principles of generativity. This creates an opportunity for a mentor to give back the way they are intrinsically motivated to. We already know the mentee will benefit from the mentorship. That is a given. Simply flip the switch.
This is what we did when we formed The Mentor Project. We made it a mentor-focused organization. I was criticized for this in the beginning, with nearly everyone telling me it would never work. I was told highly accomplished individuals (from astronauts to film producers) would not want to volunteer their time to mentor students for free. They would be far too busy, it would be a waste of their time, and they are surely inundated with people asking them for mentorship. They couldn’t have been more wrong. The principles of generativity are accurate. We have a waiting list of mentors who want to join. And our mentors are world changers.
Charlie Camarda is an astronaut who flew his first mission into space on board the Space Shuttle mission STS-114. Marshall Goldsmith is the number one coach on leadership, who formed 100 Coaches, and has coached some of the world’s top business leaders. Neil Comins, an astrophysicist and astronomer, has written more than 21 books. The list goes on to more than 100 experts who joined The Mentor Project. They view mentoring as an opportunity to leave their legacy, make their mark, and move the needle forward in the areas they’ve worked on all their lives. They are all fueled by intrinsic motivation, and pay would make them feel as if it were a job rather than a gift to themselves. Every week I have people asking to join as a mentor. For them, it is a way to feel validated, needed, respected, valued, and fulfilled. This is not the feeling most people describe when they are involved in mandatory mentoring programs in the workplace. The key to success is simple, and it doesn’t cost a dime. The solution lies right under our noses. Create mentor-focused programs based on the principles of generativity and involving intrinsic motivation.
Many engage in generativity but do not realize it. It is as simple as passing family traditions to children/grandchildren/nieces/nephews. Generativity is so prevalent in our everyday lives, shown on television and in movies, that it seems to lie in the background of our consciousness. Becoming aware of generativity around us helps us to engage in it more frequently. Simply put, it is making the unconscious conscious. Once this happens, we become generative superstars in all aspects of our lives: home, work, and in the community. You’ve probably met some generative superstars—people who are civically engaged and involved in helping others at work and home. They are the people who are always busy and often the person everyone goes to when they need help.
How to Become Generative
As to how to become generative, don’t sweat it. You probably are or are becoming generative, and you didn’t even realize it! It is a natural process that occurs as you engage in activities that go beyond your identity and self-interest, developing a broad concern for others. To embrace generativity, recognize your assets and identify opportunities to share knowledge, values, and skills. Mentoring concerns involving yourself with those you like to be around, want to connect with, and doing the things you do well and enjoy passing on to others. How many times have you helped a friend solve a problem? How often have you taught a family member the holiday recipes and rituals? How many times have you helped a junior colleague or taught someone something you knew but they didn’t? You were generative in every one of those instances. Mentoring, a form of generativity, is a part of our everyday lives, just like breathing air. We just don’t focus on it. Imagine saying, “Breathe in … breathe out” all day long. We just do it instinctively. Thousands of people are mentoring friends, neighbors, relatives, and colleagues in a variety of ways. The key is to become aware of opportunities for generativity, and in this case, mentoring. Ask yourself, “What are my assets, and who can benefit from them?” Whether at work, home, or in your community, you can mentor when you connect with someone and pass on your knowledge, values, and skills. For all of you formal and informal mentors—pat yourself on the back for being generative. You deserve it!
Some quick ways to become generative:
Become mindful of generativity in film, TV, and media. Once you spot it, you’ll see it everywhere.
Appreciate generativity at home—traditions, values, and culture that have been passed down in your family.
View interactions as opportunities to help others.
Reflect on your desired legacy. What is the mark you want to leave on the world?
No need to make this an overwhelming task. Enjoy the process. It is all about you. You are the star of generativity.
The Opposite of Generativity
If one doesn’t reach generativity, Erik Erikson termed the outcome stagnation, a state where an individual fails to contribute to the world or others. Stagnation may stem from personal chaos or instability, resulting in feelings of lack of productivity and detachment. However, stagnation doesn’t have to be permanent—we have the opportunity to reach generativity later in life. It sometimes takes longer for some to reach a stage. There are many examples of stagnation in movies. Ebenezer Scrooge, as I noted earlier, until he undergoes a transformative moment. Harvey Specter, in the television series Suits, is stagnant in the first season, as he is self-involved and disconnected from many relationships. There are plenty of examples in literature as well, such as Dorian Gray, the character in the classic The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde, who never wants to age, certainly doesn’t give back, and rather than care for others, kills Basil, his closest friend. For all his eternal youth and wealth, he suffers from ennui. He is stagnant. As I’ve mentioned before, Ebenezer Scrooge is stagnant (until he has his epiphany and becomes generative). It is typical for most individuals to reach the stage of generativity in midlife.
However, it doesn’t always happen in that time frame. I know someone who reached the level of generativity at 90. Joseph seemed to be in a slump for many years, just sliding by. He was retired but disengaged with friends, family, and the community. But in his late 80s, his life changed dramatically. His sister Ruth fell ill, and he took her in to live with him and cared for her with the help of aides. Joseph’s once-bickering relationship with his sister became one where they sat on the couch together, holding hands and talking. Ruth’s illness and need for his help was an aha moment for him that snapped him out of stagnation and into generativity. This once-disengaged man started making phone calls and inviting guests to his home. He became closely connected with his much younger, distant cousin and became a mentor to him, sharing his wisdom about social clubs and networking. His cousin’s acceptance into the Harvard Club allowed him to see his values benignly passed on to his relative, with whom he became close late in life. Joseph established a legacy for himself. This successful, self-made man, who once hoarded his wealth and emotions, became a generative mentor in his final years. It was a clear transformation from stagnation to generativity. It is not unusual for someone to have an aha moment like Ebenezer and Joseph, which moves them out of stagnation and into generativity. At his funeral, at age 93, several people spoke about Joseph’s generativity. His legacy lives on.
Can You Bounce in and out of Generativity?
Yes, you can. An example I like to give is to imagine a toddler learning to walk. Sometimes, a toddler will try out walking, stop walking, and then go ahead and walk again a week or a few months later (and keep on walking). We are like that, with physical and emotional stages throughout our development. Everyone reaches stages of development at their own pace. And once a stage is reached, it is normal to take a step back now and again. For generativity, an example is starting a new job. Imagine leaving a job you’ve mastered. You know the ins and outs and know your colleagues well and are engaged in mentoring (whether consciously aware of it or not). Then, whether by choice or not, you leave and take a new job. When you start a new job there isn’t much bandwidth for anything more than getting acclimated to the new role and the new colleagues and honing your skills until you are comfortable. This is when a person may take a step back from being generative while getting the “lay of the land” at work but once acclimated, step right back into generativity. Likewise, this happens all the time in retirement. Retirement can seem deeply enticing. Then, once you leave, you are faced with “What is my identity now?” This can be difficult for many. The need to backtrack to figure out your identity outside the workplace can take you back, outside of a generative stage, while you figure things out, and then you can go right back to being generative once you have. It isn’t a bad thing to move between stages. Life is fluid, and so are we.
As you can see from Figure 1.4, the stage following generativity is integrity. Integrity means that you have a feeling of wisdom and you don’t have any major regrets or bitterness. Generativity helps you get to that feeling of wisdom because you have looked outside yourself and become wiser. And, as with generativity, we can move back and forth between these stages, especially in times of turmoil or change. They are fluid, and so are we.
We are naturally designed to become mentors, progressing through specific emotional stages until we feel a deep-seated urge to give back. This foundational understanding forms the basis of mentoring, which is characterized by unique and fluid relationships that can seem deceptively simple. However, for true mentoring to occur, certain key components must be present. Without these elements, what may appear as mentoring lacks the essence and effectiveness that define genuine mentorship. Much like our ability to age and transition between stages, our outward appearance can remain unchanged even as we undergo internal growth and transformation.
Leave a comment
The Right Side of 40 is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.
Originally Published on https://deborahheiserphd.substack.com/
