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Dear Barbara, you write about the signs of approaching death for what you call a “gradual” death. Would you write about what happens during a “sudden” death? There are two ways to die: gradual…

Dear Barbara, you wr…

Dear Barbara, you write about the signs of approaching death for what you call a “gradual” death. Would you write about what happens during a “sudden” death? There are two ways to die: gradual, from disease or old age; or a fast, unexpected death. I’ve written a lot about gradual death and its process, about what to look for in the months, weeks, days and hours before death comes.  I haven’t written about sudden, unexpected death. There really isn’t a lot to say. There is no process, no preparation, no labor, no signs it is coming. The person is alive one minute and dead the nex…

All the space between birth and death is living. YET we tend to conceptually segregate our final experience off from all that has preceded it. The experience of dying a gradual death is an important, …

All the space betwee…

All the space between birth and death is living. YET we tend to conceptually segregate our final experience off from all that has preceded it. The experience of dying a gradual death is an important, integral part of life. It is an opportunity to write our final chapter, to define the ending of our story.  How we face our impending death can result in our finest work. Or we may be so frightened in the face of this terrifying challenge that we can't quite get ourselves to rise to the occasion. The part of our life that is associated with dying, that final challenge, will be met in the same way…

Life. We are born, we experience, and then we die. A beginning, a middle, and an ending. What is interesting to me is the similarity between the beginning and the ending. The beginning: we go through …

Life. We are born, w…

Life. We are born, we experience, and then we die. A beginning, a middle, and an ending. What is interesting to me is the similarity between the beginning and the ending. The beginning: we go through labor to get here. Some of us have a short labor -- mom sneezes and out we come. Others are still trying to arrive after 36 hours. First we are given milk. We gradually move to soft foods, then reach a point where we eat anything we want. We sleep most of the time. (At least mom and dad hope so!) Gradually we sleep less and become more active. The same with socialization. At first we connect with…

A Hospice Director recently asked me how to use my materials in her program. That request got me thinking that others might be interested in my reason and vision for writing the end of life booklets. …

A Hospice Director r…

A Hospice Director recently asked me how to use my materials in her program. That request got me thinking that others might be interested in my reason and vision for writing the end of life booklets. My first booklet, Gone From My Sight, was written to give the families I was caring for guidance for when I wasn’t there with them. A little later I wrote The Eleventh Hour as a companion booklet to Gone From My Sight guiding the families on what to do as death approached. Whereas Gone tells what is happening, Hour suggests what to do while it is happening. These two booklets should go into the …

I was cleaning out my computer and found this list. I don't know where it came from, but it is excellent so I am passing it on for others’ consideration. With husband Jack’s recent death, I know t…

I was cleaning out m…

I was cleaning out my computer and found this list. I don't know where it came from, but it is excellent so I am passing it on for others’ consideration. With husband Jack’s recent death, I know the Stress and confusion when these issues are not addressed. This is a guide all would be wise to complete now (and regularly update) before the information is needed. It is a gift to those left behind. Personal RecordsFull legal nameSocial Security numberLegal residenceDate and place of birthNames and addresses of spouse and children, and parents’ names (specifically mother’s m…

A friend of mine asked me how to get a hospice referral. I suggested she first talk with her mom’s physician to see if he would make a referral. Then search the internet for hospices in their area a…

A friend of mine ask…

A friend of mine asked me how to get a hospice referral. I suggested she first talk with her mom’s physician to see if he would make a referral. Then search the internet for hospices in their area and interview several. The doctor provided a referral and my friend made a call to a local hospice — on a Wednesday. An interview was set up by the hospice to come to the house the following Sunday.  Yesterday, Sunday, they had the interview. It was determined that hospice services were appropriate and the agency made an appointment for next Sunday to admit my friend’s mom and begin services. …

Fear moves on fleet feet, distorting all it touches; exaggerating, permeating, penetrating, overshadowing all. I think that sentence explains most of our reactions to approaching death. Our fear inter…

Fear moves on fleet …

Fear moves on fleet feet, distorting all it touches; exaggerating, permeating, penetrating, overshadowing all. I think that sentence explains most of our reactions to approaching death. Our fear interprets what we see. Fear that our special person is not being properly taken care of. Fear within ourselves that we have no control over what is unfolding. Fear that death will come no matter what we do or however much we don’t want it to come. It is through the eyes of fear that we react to the unknown of how life ends. Knowledge reduces fear. Even a little bit of knowledge helps ease and often …

Dear Barbara, our house is not big enough to have a hospital bed and all the medical things that my dad will need now that he's been referred to hospice care. We have to work, so no one will be home t…

Dear Barbara, our ho…

Dear Barbara, our house is not big enough to have a hospital bed and all the medical things that my dad will need now that he's been referred to hospice care. We have to work, so no one will be home to take care of him. Should we look for a hospice house? Hospice houses are care facilities generally managed by hospice agencies to provide end of life care for those whose life situation prevents them from being at home.  In the early hospice days, those “houses” were run by specific hospices and financed by fundraisers, charitable donations, and fundraising projects. Generally, a person was…

Many years ago, someone came up with the idea that once a year Americans would reach out to those they care about and say, “I love you.” This is done with cards, flowers, and poems. February 14th …

Many years ago, some…

Many years ago, someone came up with the idea that once a year Americans would reach out to those they care about and say, “I love you.” This is done with cards, flowers, and poems. February 14th is that day. Valentine’s Day. That is "I Love You" Day. Wouldn’t it be special if everyday was “I Love You Day?” Working with end of life all these years has shown me how special each day is. It has also shown me the value and the gift of living, doing, and saying that which we mean EACH day. But, since this is a special "I Love You" day, I will join the day with: I love hospice and end …

One night many years ago when I was a hospice RN, when most people couldn’t pronounce the word “hospice,” or understand what the services were about, I was sitting with a family. Mom was in the …

One night many years…

One night many years ago when I was a hospice RN, when most people couldn’t pronounce the word “hospice,” or understand what the services were about, I was sitting with a family. Mom was in the bedroom, probably a week or so from death. The family and I were in the living room. I was explaining why mom was doing the things she was doing. Why she was making “strange” sounds, why she was restless and agitated, why she wasn’t responding to them.  One of the daughters was taking notes. I was surprised. No one had done that before. What a great idea! To have these words of reassurance …

I so appreciate the many, many people that responded to last week’s I Am Now Reaching Out To You Fellow Grievers blog. I want to share with you some of the suggestions you have shared with me. Ideas…

I so appreciate the …

I so appreciate the many, many people that responded to last week’s I Am Now Reaching Out To You Fellow Grievers blog. I want to share with you some of the suggestions you have shared with me. Ideas for filling a huge space left empty by the death of someone who made us a “we.” Grief is a lot about the empty space they left behind. It is learning how to fill the space we had when we were a “we” that has become a space of emptiness now that we are an "I." I think the major revelation you all gave me with your suggestions is there are many kinds of “we,” not just a partner “we.�…