“The 2023 Zezima Family Christmas Letter”
By Jerry Zezima
Since I am in the holiday spirit (and, having just consumed a mug of hot toddy, a glass of eggnog and a nip of cheer, the holiday spirits are in me), I have decided to follow in that great tradition of boring everyone silly by writing a Christmas letter.
That is why I am pleased as punch (which I also drank) to present the following chronicle of the Zezima family, which includes Jerry, the patriarch, and Sue, the matriarch, as well as two daughtersiarch, two sons-in-lawiarch, five grandchildreniarch and a partridge in a pear tree.
Dear friends:
It sure has been an eventful year for the Zezimas!
The flush times began when Jerry and Sue renovated their bathroom. The project became necessary because the plumbing was leaking (the bathroom’s, not Jerry’s), so she dragooned him into making innumerable trips with her to a home improvement store for tile, a vanity, a sink, a faucet, a mirror, lights, a shower head and, in the end, a toilet.
Even though Jerry “helped” with the painting (he was off the wall but on a roll), the porcelain convenience came out so nice that Jerry plans to invite fellow grandpa King Charles to come over and sit on the throne.
Speaking of grandpas (and grandmas), Jerry and Sue celebrated 10 years of being grandparents and had many great adventures with all five of their grandchildren.
The highlight was Jerry’s humiliating loss to his 6-year-old grandson in Dinosaur Bingo, which Jerry should have won because he is, of course, a dinosaur, a fact verified by the triumphant boy and his 4-year-old twin siblings, who gave Jerry a “PAW Patrol” Band-Aid when he skinned his knee while giving them horsey rides at the playground.
Jerry and Sue participated in a yard sale at their younger daughter’s house, where their oldest two grandkids, sisters who are 10 and 7 years old, sold $50 worth of lemonade. The liquid assets convinced Jerry that he was in the wrong business. He made up for it by having a beer afterward.
In other financial news, three of Jerry’s business ventures failed miserably.
First, he tried to talk Nike, which makes Air Jordan, into coming out with Air Zezima, a sneaker for geezers, but the company didn’t run with it.
Inspired when he saw 81-year-old Martha Stewart on the cover of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, Jerry tried to convince AARP The Magazine to put him on its cover in a Speedo, but for some reason the editors weren’t interested.
Finally, to celebrate 25 years since Jerry and Sue bought their house, Jerry pitched his own show, “House Blunders,” to HGTV, but he couldn’t get his foot in the door.
In fun animal news, Jerry rented a Vermont cow named Snookums to produce milk that was made into cheddar cheese, three bars of which were delivered to Jerry and Sue’s house. The cheese was, it goes without saying, but Jerry can’t help saying it anyway, an udder delight.
In sad animal news, Lucie, the beloved pooch of Jerry’s sister Elizabeth, crossed the rainbow bridge and went to doggie heaven. She was three months shy of 17. A mix of spitz and shepherd, with a nub of a tail she always wagged happily, Lucie was a sweet girl who exuded love and elicited smiles.
She was especially close to her fellow (in human years) nonagenarian, Rosina, the mother of Jerry, Elizabeth and their sister Susan. Rosina turned 99 and is still going strong. In fact, she went to Jerry and Sue’s house for a big family birthday bash and was the life of the party.
Speaking of which, Jerry and Sue attended a 70th birthday party with fellow members of the Stamford Catholic High School Class of 1971 and had a grand young time. Jerry, the baby of the bunch, physically and emotionally, won’t hit the big 7-Oh until January, but he celebrated anyway and proved he is still the class clown.
Last but certainly least, the literary world suffered a huge blow with the publication of Jerry’s seventh book, “The Good Humor Man: Tales of Life, Laughter and, for Dessert, Ice Cream.” If you’re desperate for a last-minute holiday gift, it could be a good stocking stuffer. Otherwise, Santa might tell Jerry to stuff it.
Merry Christmas with love and laughter from the Zezimas.
Copyright 2023 by Jerry Zezima
Originally Published on http://jerryzezima.blogspot.com
