EQ reflections: We all set the tone for the conversations we are about to have; we just don’t necessarily realise it

Did you know that if you ask someone to name the 7 dwarves or the 7 deadly sins, apparently the order they list them in is linked to what’s on their mind and which of those traits they most currently associate with.

So, if your respondent says “Sleepy” or “gluttony” for example then it is highly likely that they are a little tired or feeling hungry.

In much the same way, when we talk with someone else the opening tone and topic you each bring will really set how the rest of the conversation will go.

Many of us are a little oblivious to this but the more aware you become the more you realise it and the more you can assess the mindset of the other person better, maybe even influencing the situation a little.

Let me explain what I mean…

Example 1: Setting up Shiageto

In the first 6 months after I set up Shiageto, I was inundated by former work colleagues who were keen to catch up.

On the face of it, they all wanted to “hear more about my business and how it was going”.

So, for the first couple of those conversations I would launch into telling them all about the highs and lows of my first few months.

That was until I noticed that they didn’t really care that much.

Instead, the common theme was that all the people that had reached out were not enjoying their current work.

For one reason or another, work was not proving fulfilling (it could be a bad boss, a terrible project, a missed promotion, etc.) and they had all acted on this by seeking out counsel on what they should do.

Them meeting up with me was a data point.

What was fascinating was that they all wanted to hear one of two things:

1. If they were a risk taker, they wanted to hear that life was good on the outside and that they should leave their job and go for something new.
2. If they were risk averse, they wanted to hear that life was terrible on the outside and that they should stay in role.

Once I realised this pattern, I stopped leading the conversation with stories about my business. Instead, my opening salvo became:

“Life running your own business is really up and down, I’m really enjoying it but it’s not necessarily for everyone. What about you? How have the last 6 months been?”

This slight switch led to such a change of conversation. Suddenly the other person became more animated, asked more questions and opened up more.

Equally fascinating was the language and tone they used.

If they were a type 1 person (risk taker) their language was full of positive language, their tone bolder and their energy levels higher.

If they were a type 2 person (risk averse) their language was more negative, whilst they sounded and seemed flatter.

I was able to observe that each conversation almost became a self-fulfilling prophecy; very rarely did the tone change (even if I countered negativity with positivity or vice-versa) and even more interestingly 12 months later most of the risk takers had indeed quit whilst most of the risk averse folk were still in situ.

Example 2: Networking Events

As you may know I go to a lot of networking events thus I meet a lot of new people

In my experience, how the other person starts a conversation really is a good indicator of what is on their mind.

People who start with a positive tone (“Isn’t this conference great”) vs people who start with a negative tone (“My boss made me come here”) generally follow the pattern of positivity or negativity for the rest of the conversation.

In some ways this is also likely to influence whether they go on to become a client, colleague or even friend — although by no means is this a hard and fast conclusion.

Example 3: Business Development

Something else I do a lot of is business development. I meet people one-on-one hoping for them to become clients of Shiageto.

Over the years I have found that how they react in the first few minutes of our meeting is a very good barometer of whether this conversation will lead to a potential sale.

If they are negative and looking for flaws or stating reasons why they can’t buy in the opening few sentences then it’s highly likely that they won’t. The reverse is true.

I sort of stumbled across this many years ago; at the age of 17 I spent a summer selling outbound car insurance over the phone [i.e. I had to ring strangers at their work or home and try and sell them car insurance].

We had sales targets that required us to make at least 2 sales an hour (even more if we wanted good bonuses) so the key was to not get sucked into long conversations that didn’t result in a sale.

I soon realised that I needed a way to sound out in the first 30 seconds whether they might be a buyer or not and settled upon the following opening:

“Hi, I’m calling from Company X, my name is Faris; that’s like the capital of France but you change the P to an F”

I generally found that if they laughed then there would be a 50% chance that they would end up buying insurance but if they ignored what I said or said something negative then they never ever bought the insurance.

Example 4: Dating

As per my blog last week, I am currently dating in the hope of meeting someone special.

Thanks to dating apps (and the proliferation of dating options), the first date becomes crucial and I’m always fascinated by how they pan out.

In my experience, if the focus of the conversation moves to:

• “How difficult modern dating is”
• “Why did your last relationship break down?”
• “Why are you single?”
• “What are your worst habits?”

or anything similar then invariably there isn’t a subsequent date.

Sure, these are great topics for further down the line once you are in a relationship but in the early throes of trying to determine whether there is that elusive spark, I always think it is better to focus on positive things you have in common [“What’s your favourite food?”; “What kind of holidays do you like?”; etc] rather than spend your time tying to find the flaws.

Example 5: The Middle East

Obviously it is a heated time for all those with a vested interest in Israel or Palestine at the moment.

As a Palestinian; when the topic comes up, I realise instantly from the other person’s tone and initial language how the rest of the conversation is likely to pan out.

It might not be pleasant and that’s why I recommended in my blog a few weeks back it’s a good idea to steer away from this topic unless you actually know the other person.

What can you do to influence the situation?

Much like my first example, you can actively lean into the conversations in a variety of ways that will mean they go better.

Here’s my 5-point checklist of things that I do to make the most out of any conversation:

1. Determine what mindset and mood you are in and how that might effect the conversation — if you’re not in a good place then be cognisant of how that might play out [I realised that on a date recently where I turned up in a negative mood and lo and behold, it didn’t go well]
2. Select language and a tone that is more likely to get you the outcome to the conversation that you might desire — it’s why I invariably approach most conversations with a positive, upbeat manner [not that we all need to be positive all the time]
3. Listen to/observe carefully from the outset what the other person is saying through their words, tone and body language — you may need to adapt accordingly and maybe even drop your initial approach to the conversation as per my example of when I set up Shiageto
4. Avoid or close down any conversation that you think may lead to conflict — e.g. as with The Middle East or similar; unless you want conflict of course
5. Rather than the conversation being about different viewpoints, try to move it onto shared experiences and commonalities — that could be discussing what you both thought about the first speaker at a conference, any mutual acquaintances you have or what you might do for your next date together, etc.

If you follow this checklist you can certainly turn a negative conversation into a more positive one and, at the very least, avoid a car-crash of a conversation.

I don’t expect you to be as obsessive about this as me

It’s stuff like this that I find fascinating [and probably geek out on a little too much] but you don’t have to be.

I often find myself analysing the dynamics of conversations in real time or overhearing other people’s conversations and trying to determine whether there will be a positive or negative outcome.

I consider this a superpower and certainly is strength that I have put into the work we do at Shiageto Consulting 💪.

If you want to enhance your superpower or borrow some of mine then do get in touch; I’m always happy to help 😊

Faris

Faris is the CEO and Founder of Shiageto Consulting, an innovative consultancy that helps firms and individuals sharpen their effectiveness. Connect with him here

Success = IQ x EQ x FQ

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Originally Published on https://farisaranki.medium.com/

Faris Aranki Strategy & Emotional Intelligence

Having spent over 20 years delivering strategic change for the corporate and non-corporate worlds, Faris has experienced first-hand the fine differences between strategic success and failure.
His work has spanned numerous companies (from global behemoths to small start-ups), in numerous countries, across a range of sectors, supporting them all to unlock strategic success.

He came to realize that often what hinders institutions from achieving their goals goes beyond the quality of their strategy; it is their ability to engage effectively with others at all levels and remove barriers in their way. This has led to his passion for improving strategic effectiveness within all businesses and individuals and the foundation of Shiageto Consulting.

Over time, Faris has worked to distill his knowledge of how to solve complex problems in a structured manner combined with his skill on engaging effectively with others and his ability to quickly determine the barriers to a strategy's success. This knowledge has formed the foundation of Shiageto’s workshops, courses and methodologies. Faris believes that any firm or team can adopt these improvements; all it requires is a little of the right support -something Shiageto provides!

On top of leading our business, Faris is now an accomplished speaker and contributor for a variety of outlets.