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By Jerry ZezimaAs a newspaper columnist whose specialty is doing nothing and writing about it, I thought I had a dream job.Then I met Raminder, a technician whose job was to watch me dream and r…

By Jerry ZezimaAs…

By Jerry ZezimaAs a newspaper columnist whose specialty is doing nothing and writing about it, I thought I had a dream job.Then I met Raminder, a technician whose job was to watch me dream and record what I did in bed — it was nothing to write home about — during a Sleep study.I participated in this diagnostic test, which required me to stay in a hospital overnight, because my wife, Sue, says that when I’m in bed at home, I snore — this is an exact quote — “like Mount Vesuvius.”That means I not only am loud, but also 2,000 years old.The study was scheduled after co…

By Jerry ZezimaEvery 10 years, my internal clock, which I inadvertently swallowed while eating Jell-O, reminds me to have a colonoscopy.Unfortunately, the sulfate solution I took to wash down th…

By Jerry ZezimaEv…

By Jerry ZezimaEvery 10 years, my internal clock, which I inadvertently swallowed while eating Jell-O, reminds me to have a colonoscopy.Unfortunately, the sulfate solution I took to wash down the Jell-O and everything else I ingested on my one-day liquid preparation Diet would have lost to sewer sludge in a blind taste test.That’s the sacrifice I made to keep the situation fluid for a doctor to explore my innards and ensure everything was clear except, of course, for my internal clock, which read 11:15 a.m., the time I had the procedure.The day before, I had to prepare. This enta…

By Jerry ZezimaYou can make book on the fact that I’m not a guy to sweep things under the rug. But you may be floored to know that I brought the hammer down on our latest home improvement project…

By Jerry ZezimaYo…

By Jerry ZezimaYou can make book on the fact that I’m not a guy to sweep things under the rug. But you may be floored to know that I brought the hammer down on our latest home improvement project.That’s why I had to clean my office of enough books to bury Moby-Dick so new flooring could be installed with the help of yours truly and my trusty hammer.Actually, the hammer belonged to our contractor, Anthony Amini, who let me use it to pop a pair of planks in place.It wasn’t the least I could do, but it was close.The bulk of the work, which took a week, was done by Anthony, wh…

By Jerry ZezimaI like to think I’m a tough cookie, but my sweet tooth, which may have a cavity, can’t resist the treats sold every year by the Girl Scouts.That’s why I have bought two boxe…

By Jerry ZezimaI …

By Jerry ZezimaI like to think I’m a tough cookie, but my sweet tooth, which may have a cavity, can’t resist the treats sold every year by the Girl Scouts.That’s why I have bought two boxes of cookies from my 8-year-old granddaughter, who represents the third generation of Girl Scouts in our family.They include my wife, Sue, and our two daughters, one of whom is the current Scout’s mother.To this impressive list you can add yours truly. I may not be a girl, and was never even a Boy Scout, but I once dressed up as a giant Samoa to help a Girl Scout troop ring up impressive c…

By Jerry ZezimaWhen you’re retired, you don’t live in the fast lane. In fact, my wife, Sue, and I are on the side of the road with a flat tire. The tradeoff is that you can’t get fired from a…

By Jerry ZezimaWh…

By Jerry ZezimaWhen you’re retired, you don’t live in the fast lane. In fact, my wife, Sue, and I are on the side of the road with a flat tire. The tradeoff is that you can’t get fired from a job you don’t have.Still, there has been great concern by a certain prominent person about how certain subordinate but no less important people spend their time. So, in case anyone asks, here is what Sue and I did last week.MONDAYThe highlight of the day is going to the pharmacy to pick up a refill of my cholesterol medication. Fortunately, it’s not one of those prescription drugs wi…

By Jerry ZezimaTo sleep — perchance to snore. Ay, there’s the rib, which my wife, Sue, pokes every time I snore while she’s trying to sleep.My unconscious imitation of a buzzsaw, which I a…

By Jerry ZezimaTo…

By Jerry ZezimaTo sleep — perchance to snore. Ay, there’s the rib, which my wife, Sue, pokes every time I snore while she’s trying to sleep.My unconscious imitation of a buzzsaw, which I allegedly do often enough that Sue has to go into another room to get a good night’s slumber, is the reason I have been signed up to participate in a sleep study, which presumably will determine if my overnight rumblings can be measured on the Richter scale.This scientific research, which also will record brainwave activity, if indeed there is any, was recommended by my primary care physician,…

By Jerry ZezimaWhen you’re a grandparent, you want only the best for the newest addition to the family. That’s why my wife, Sue, and I went shopping in anticipation of baby’s first visit and …

By Jerry ZezimaWh…

By Jerry ZezimaWhen you’re a grandparent, you want only the best for the newest addition to the family. That’s why my wife, Sue, and I went shopping in anticipation of baby’s first visit and came home with everything the little one needs, including a bowl for food, one for water, a stick for teething, a bag of treats for snacks, toys for playing, a leash for walking and, for cleanup duty, a pooper scooper.As you can tell, we would spare no expense for our beautiful, loving and exuberant granddog, Opal.She’s a rescue, a tan-and-white dynamo, a Chihuahua who is about seven month…

By Jerry ZezimaRow, row, row my seat swiftly down the track.Warily, warily, warily, warily, my body’s out of whack.That’s the tune I sang to myself — because I didn’t want to scare ever…

By Jerry ZezimaRow…

By Jerry ZezimaRow, row, row my seat swiftly down the track.Warily, warily, warily, warily, my body’s out of whack.That’s the tune I sang to myself — because I didn’t want to scare everyone else at the gym — as I rocked and rolled on a rowing machine under the expert guidance of my very own personal trainer.I decided to go back to the gym because I have a heart condition and my cardiologist recommended it (going back to the gym, not having heart condition).I met assistant manager Antwone Bowen and said I hadn’t been there in a while.“How come?” he asked.“I …

By Jerry ZezimaNo matter what I do, whether it’s good, bad or just plain stupid, my wife, Sue, has my back. And I have hers.But lately, neither one of us has wanted to make the exchange. That�…

By Jerry ZezimaNo…

By Jerry ZezimaNo matter what I do, whether it’s good, bad or just plain stupid, my wife, Sue, has my back. And I have hers.But lately, neither one of us has wanted to make the exchange. That’s because we both threw our backs out.I injured mine while cleaning the bathroom, which is what I get for trying to be helpful around the house.The irony was not lost on Sue, who appreciated my effort (“you’re so delicate,” she said, “but you did a nice job”) and told me that the best thing for a bad back is Exercise.The irony was not lost on me because a week later, she hurt …

By Jerry ZezimaI have always believed that if you have an appointment with an eye doctor, you should show up late. When the doctor asks why you weren’t on time, you can say, “I couldn’t find …

By Jerry ZezimaI …

By Jerry ZezimaI have always believed that if you have an appointment with an eye doctor, you should show up late. When the doctor asks why you weren’t on time, you can say, “I couldn’t find you.”This will let him or her see — with the aid of prescription glasses, because eye doctors invariably wear them — that you are in the right place and will probably need a pair of specs yourself.That’s why I was late for my first appointment with Dr. Brian Cho, an optometrist who is nice, funny and, of course, bespectacled.“Welcome,” said Dr. Cho. “Did you have trouble fin…

By Jerry ZezimaIf you want something done, goes an old saying, do it yourself. Unless you’re me, in which case you not only have a lot to worry about but couldn’t finish a do-it-yourself projec…

By Jerry ZezimaIf…

By Jerry ZezimaIf you want something done, goes an old saying, do it yourself. Unless you’re me, in which case you not only have a lot to worry about but couldn’t finish a do-it-yourself project or write a self-help book without asking someone else (not me) for help.This is especially true when it comes to self-checkouts.“Are you ready to check out?” a nice store employee named Flora asked me recently.“Not for many more years,” I answered nervously. “Maybe I should ask my doctor.”“I mean,” she said, “do you want to ring up your purchases?”“Yes,” I …

By Jerry ZezimaAs the very model of the modern medical marvel, I have survived an aortic aneurysm, a terrible bout of COVID-19 and. worst of all, a nasty paper cut.Not to be outdone, my wife, Su…

By Jerry ZezimaAs…

By Jerry ZezimaAs the very model of the modern medical marvel, I have survived an aortic aneurysm, a terrible bout of COVID-19 and. worst of all, a nasty paper cut.Not to be outdone, my wife, Sue, lived through a heart attack, came down with COVID, too, and underwent painful hand surgery.But we recently had to deal with the most daunting of medical challenges: We both had a cold. At the same time. So we blamed each other.Still, I’m not ashamed to admit that, like the vast majority of men would be in similar circumstances, I was the bigger baby.This wasn’t a surprise to my fa…

By Jerry ZezimaBeing a grandfather can be magical — as long as you don’t end up in jail.That’s the lesson I learned recently when my wife, Sue, and I got together with our five grandchildr…

By Jerry ZezimaBe…

By Jerry ZezimaBeing a grandfather can be magical — as long as you don’t end up in jail.That’s the lesson I learned recently when my wife, Sue, and I got together with our five grandchildren and their parents for a week in which I assisted in science experiments performed with a magic wand, was nearly bitten by a king cobra and trampled by a hippopotamus, ran around a playground to the point of collapse, was served a delicious dinner of popcorn and Honey Nut Cheerios, engaged in battles with a kung fu master and was arrested multiple times by the world’s youngest cop.It’s a …

By Jerry ZezimaAccording to statistics that must be true or I wouldn’t have made them up, 87 percent of grandfathers couldn’t pass a third-grade math test.This is shocking because it represe…

By Jerry ZezimaAc…

By Jerry ZezimaAccording to statistics that must be true or I wouldn’t have made them up, 87 percent of grandfathers couldn’t pass a third-grade math test.This is shocking because it represents almost half the grandpa population.Unfortunately, I am in this group because I recently got taken to school by my 8-year-old granddaughter, who is in third grade, has an A average in math and gave me a lesson in basic arithmetic by showing me that what I learned when I was a third-grader no longer adds up.“Math is my favorite subject,” my granddaughter said. “On my last test, I got…

By Jerry ZezimaMy orthodontist is a gem. That’s why he suggested I buy an ultrasonic retainer cleaner that my wife can wash her jewelry in.I got retainers several years ago when I decided to g…

By Jerry ZezimaMy…

By Jerry ZezimaMy orthodontist is a gem. That’s why he suggested I buy an ultrasonic retainer cleaner that my wife can wash her jewelry in.I got retainers several years ago when I decided to go straight, not because I was a crooked jewel thief, but because two of my teeth were crooked and needed straightening.I went to the Stony Brook University School of Dental Medicine on Long Island, New York, so my right upper lateral incisor and my left central lower incisor could be rotated back to their original positions with invisible braces, which weren’t actually invisible because other…

By Jerry ZezimaWhen you get to be a certain age — in my case, old — you tend to run hot and cold, which not only is true but also rhymes.The reason is that no matter what the temperature is …

By Jerry ZezimaWh…

By Jerry ZezimaWhen you get to be a certain age — in my case, old — you tend to run hot and cold, which not only is true but also rhymes.The reason is that no matter what the temperature is inside or outside, it’s either too hot or too cold.That is why my wife, Sue, called a technician named Joe to come over and fix the upstairs thermostat, which had been making the second floor feel like a sauna.“Maybe we should start wearing towels,” I told Joe.“You can do whatever you want after I leave,” he said.I explained that Sue and I don’t like to be hot and that we p…

By Jerry ZezimaSince I am in the holiday spirit (and, having just consumed a mug of hot toddy, a glass of eggnog and a nip of cheer, the holiday spirits are in me), I have decided to follow in that …

By Jerry ZezimaSin…

By Jerry ZezimaSince I am in the holiday spirit (and, having just consumed a mug of hot toddy, a glass of eggnog and a nip of cheer, the holiday spirits are in me), I have decided to follow in that great tradition of boring everyone silly by writing a Christmas letter.That is why I am pleased as punch (which I also drank) to present the following chronicle of the Zezima family, which includes Jerry, the patriarch, and Sue, the matriarch, as well as two daughtersiarch, two sons-in-lawiarch, five grandchildreniarch and a partridge in a pear tree.Dear friends:It sure has been an eventful …

By Jerry ZezimaWhenever I pull a prank, which generally involves my grandchildren, whose maturity level is way above mine, I think outside the box.This is a wise strategy because I can’t fit i…

By Jerry ZezimaWh…

By Jerry ZezimaWhenever I pull a prank, which generally involves my grandchildren, whose maturity level is way above mine, I think outside the box.This is a wise strategy because I can’t fit inside the box. And even if I could, the air supply to my brain would be cut off and I’d be even more immature, which admittedly would make me a better prankster.Still, I proved to be a pretty good one when I pulled a birthday prank on my wife, Sue, with a box I didn’t have to think outside of. That’s because I got inspiration from the best prankster I have ever known: my longtime buddy Ti…