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By Jerry ZezimaWhen you get to be a certain age — in my case, old — you tend to run hot and cold, which not only is true but also rhymes.The reason is that no matter what the temperature is …

By Jerry ZezimaWh…

By Jerry ZezimaWhen you get to be a certain age — in my case, old — you tend to run hot and cold, which not only is true but also rhymes.The reason is that no matter what the temperature is inside or outside, it’s either too hot or too cold.That is why my wife, Sue, called a technician named Joe to come over and fix the upstairs thermostat, which had been making the second floor feel like a sauna.“Maybe we should start wearing towels,” I told Joe.“You can do whatever you want after I leave,” he said.I explained that Sue and I don’t like to be hot and that we p…

By Jerry ZezimaSince I am in the holiday spirit (and, having just consumed a mug of hot toddy, a glass of eggnog and a nip of cheer, the holiday spirits are in me), I have decided to follow in that …

By Jerry ZezimaSin…

By Jerry ZezimaSince I am in the holiday spirit (and, having just consumed a mug of hot toddy, a glass of eggnog and a nip of cheer, the holiday spirits are in me), I have decided to follow in that great tradition of boring everyone silly by writing a Christmas letter.That is why I am pleased as punch (which I also drank) to present the following chronicle of the Zezima family, which includes Jerry, the patriarch, and Sue, the matriarch, as well as two daughtersiarch, two sons-in-lawiarch, five grandchildreniarch and a partridge in a pear tree.Dear friends:It sure has been an eventful …

By Jerry ZezimaWhenever I pull a prank, which generally involves my grandchildren, whose maturity level is way above mine, I think outside the box.This is a wise strategy because I can’t fit i…

By Jerry ZezimaWh…

By Jerry ZezimaWhenever I pull a prank, which generally involves my grandchildren, whose maturity level is way above mine, I think outside the box.This is a wise strategy because I can’t fit inside the box. And even if I could, the air supply to my brain would be cut off and I’d be even more immature, which admittedly would make me a better prankster.Still, I proved to be a pretty good one when I pulled a birthday prank on my wife, Sue, with a box I didn’t have to think outside of. That’s because I got inspiration from the best prankster I have ever known: my longtime buddy Ti…

By Jerry ZezimaWhen it comes to shaving, I’m two-faced. One face I have been scraping with a blade since I was a teenager more than five decades ago, the other I recently started buzzing with an …

By Jerry ZezimaWh…

By Jerry ZezimaWhen it comes to shaving, I’m two-faced. One face I have been scraping with a blade since I was a teenager more than five decades ago, the other I recently started buzzing with an electric razor.Neither face will make me a Hollywood star unless I stop shaving altogether and get the lead role in a remake of “The Wolf Man.”So I left it up to my leading lady, who happens to be my wife, Sue, to decide which face is a cut above the other one.I wouldn’t have thought to use an electric razor except that I was scheduled to have open-heart surgery and a hospital nurse…

By Jerry ZezimaMy mother was the life of her 100th birthday party.She also was the star in our little family band — three children, one daughter-in-law, five grandchildren, three grandchildren…

By Jerry ZezimaMy…

By Jerry ZezimaMy mother was the life of her 100th birthday party.She also was the star in our little family band — three children, one daughter-in-law, five grandchildren, three grandchildren’s spouses and five great-grandchildren — who gathered at Zody’s 19th Hole, a popular restaurant at the E. Gaynor Brennan Municipal Golf Course in our hometown of Stamford, Connecticut, to honor Mom on her turn of the century.Mom doesn’t play golf, but she’s definitely a champion, which, as I said, is the “fairway” to describe her.She rolled her beautiful blue eyes at yet anoth…

By Jerry ZezimaEver since I became a grandfather, and have proudly remained the most immature member of the family, I have often been asked if I spoil my grandchildren.“No,” I always reply. …

By Jerry ZezimaEv…

By Jerry ZezimaEver since I became a grandfather, and have proudly remained the most immature member of the family, I have often been asked if I spoil my grandchildren.“No,” I always reply. “That’s my wife’s job. My job is to corrupt them.”This makes me supremely qualified to be a grandparent coach.I got the idea for this heretofore nonexistent job after reading an item in the Old Farmer’s Almanac about empty-nest coaches, who are “giving advice to parents whose offspring have left for college.”As the father of two daughters who flew the coop long ago and are n…

By Jerry ZezimaMy heart surgeon told me to take a hike, so I bought a pedometer. Then he told me that my surgery was canceled and I didn’t have to take a hike. But I already had the pedometer.…

By Jerry ZezimaMy…

By Jerry ZezimaMy heart surgeon told me to take a hike, so I bought a pedometer. Then he told me that my surgery was canceled and I didn’t have to take a hike. But I already had the pedometer.So I took a hike.It was a walk in the park — or, actually, around the neighborhood — compared to the excessive ambulation I would have to do each day while recovering from the surgery I never had.But since most of my walking is done in the middle of the night (to and from the porcelain convenience), and it’s a good form of Exercise that isn’t so stressful that I would need heart surg…

By Jerry ZezimaAccording to an old saying, which can probably be attributed to my neighbors, the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.But now that my neighbors have installed a…

By Jerry ZezimaAc…

By Jerry ZezimaAccording to an old saying, which can probably be attributed to my neighbors, the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.But now that my neighbors have installed a new fence, and a landscaper has worked turf magic on my once-barren property, I can happily say that the grass is green on my side, too.For the past several years, I had lived in the Death Valley of the neighborhood. The front and back yards looked like they had been manicured with a flamethrower. The place was so desolate that I was afraid of attracting rattlesnakes and vultures.When my wi…

By Jerry ZezimaI was born during a blizzard, I am all wet even during droughts and, perhaps a contributing factor to global warming, I am full of hot air.This alone would qualify me to be a tele…

By Jerry ZezimaI …

By Jerry ZezimaI was born during a blizzard, I am all wet even during droughts and, perhaps a contributing factor to global warming, I am full of hot air.This alone would qualify me to be a television weather expert.But I have made it official by buying a rain gauge and an outdoor thermometer and hygrometer. I also have the world’s most impressive meteorological instrument — a Vermont weather stick — which is why I am now a proud if somewhat foggy CBS-2 First Alert Weather Watcher.My job is to alert the weather team at Channel 2 in New York if it’s raining, snowing, sleetin…

By Jerry ZezimaIf there is one thing that will make your heart pound faster than finding out you need cardiac surgery, it’s finding out, mere hours before the operation, that you don’t.Thus …

By Jerry ZezimaIf…

By Jerry ZezimaIf there is one thing that will make your heart pound faster than finding out you need cardiac surgery, it’s finding out, mere hours before the operation, that you don’t.Thus did my supposedly faulty ticker skip several beats when my cardiovascular surgeon called me the day before surgery was scheduled and said, “I have good news and bad news.”“What’s the good news?” I wondered anxiously.“You don’t need surgery,” he answered.My heart practically leaped from my chest.“What’s the bad news?” I stammered.The doctor said, “You went thr…

By Jerry ZezimaWhen you’re scheduled to have heart surgery, nothing tests your heart more than pre-surgical testing.I have had more tests than I ever had in school. Fortunately, I have passed …

By Jerry ZezimaWh…

By Jerry ZezimaWhen you’re scheduled to have heart surgery, nothing tests your heart more than pre-surgical testing.I have had more tests than I ever had in school. Fortunately, I have passed them all, which is more than I can say for the tests I took during my ignominious academic career, when I regularly made the dishonor roll.My worst subject was math, followed closely by all the others, so I may not be exactly correct in stating that I have had 27 pre-surgical tests.“How come I have to take all these tests?” I asked Paige, a nice staffer in the office of my cardiac surgeo…

By Jerry ZezimaIf you need open-heart surgery, as I do, the best person to perform it is a plumber.Who also happens to be a cardiovascular and thoracic surgeon.In my case, that would be Dr. John…

By Jerry ZezimaIf …

By Jerry ZezimaIf you need open-heart surgery, as I do, the best person to perform it is a plumber.Who also happens to be a cardiovascular and thoracic surgeon.In my case, that would be Dr. John Goncalves, whose impressive credentials qualify him to operate at Home Depot.“I’m a plumber,” the good doctor told me in a meeting to discuss my upcoming surgery. “And I’m going to fix your plumbing. But I’ll do it in a hospital.”“I suppose a hardware store would be too crowded,” I said.“This isn’t a minor procedure,” Dr. Goncalves informed me.“Are you going to u…

By Jerry ZezimaAs much as I appreciate receiving a daily barrage of email pitches for fat removers, teeth aligners, night vision binoculars and other amazing products I can’t possibly live withou…

By Jerry ZezimaAs…

By Jerry ZezimaAs much as I appreciate receiving a daily barrage of email pitches for fat removers, teeth aligners, night vision binoculars and other amazing products I can’t possibly live without, I subscribe to the theory that I can’t unsubscribe from stuff to which I never subscribed.That’s the quandary I can’t seem to get out of even with a 20-volt cordless drill, which I don’t want because I might hurt myself so badly that I can’t use the computer to unsubscribe from these relentlessly irritating offers.It’s enough to make me buy a bottle of vegan gummies, which I w…

By Jerry ZezimaEver since my wife, Sue, has been out of commission with an injured hand, which required surgery and has prevented her from performing important tasks like keeping me alive, I have h…

By Jerry ZezimaEv…

By Jerry ZezimaEver since my wife, Sue, has been out of commission with an injured hand, which required surgery and has prevented her from performing important tasks like keeping me alive, I have had a whole laundry list of things to do.At the top is — how did you ever guess? — laundry.For the past 46 years, I have been a basket case when it comes to dirty clothes. But you know the old saying: Everything comes out in the wash.That’s why I have been washing, drying and folding shirts, pants, shorts, socks, towels, washcloths, bedsheets, pillowcases and, of course, underwear, w…

By Jerry ZezimaIf it weren’t for my wife, I would have starved to death long ago. If it weren’t for me, we both would have starved — or we would have had to eat out every night for a while �…

By Jerry ZezimaIf…

By Jerry ZezimaIf it weren’t for my wife, I would have starved to death long ago. If it weren’t for me, we both would have starved — or we would have had to eat out every night for a while — because Sue recently had surgery on her right hand and couldn’t cook.That left me to be her right-hand man and make dinner without having to call either the fire department or an ambulance.I became a kitchen magician after Sue tore ligaments in her thumb, which resulted in an operation that left her in a cast.I may not be the chief cook in our house (I am the chief bottle washer and h…

By Jerry ZezimaAn apple a day may keep the doctor away, but it won’t keep me away from the doctor.That’s because I have reached an age — the big 7-Oh — where medical appointments have be…

By Jerry ZezimaAn…

By Jerry ZezimaAn apple a day may keep the doctor away, but it won’t keep me away from the doctor.That’s because I have reached an age — the big 7-Oh — where medical appointments have become a major part of my life.I have been making so many trips to see one doctor or another that I should win an award from the American Medical Association and get free health care until I am dead, which at this rate will happen either next month, because the frenetic pace will kill me, or when I am as old as my mother, Rosina, who is almost 100 and sees fewer doctors than I do.“I guess th…

By Jerry ZezimaHow many newspaper columnists does it take to change a lightbulb? If the columnist is yours truly, the answer is zero.That’s why, after proving to be too dim to perform this sim…

By Jerry ZezimaHo…

By Jerry ZezimaHow many newspaper columnists does it take to change a lightbulb? If the columnist is yours truly, the answer is zero.That’s why, after proving to be too dim to perform this simple task, I gave up and called Kevin the Electrician.Kevin had been over recently to help install our new central air-conditioning system.“It’s 130 degrees in your attic,” he said after working up there to put in a fan needed to cool down the AC so it could work without overheating.“You worked without overheating,” I told Kevin, who had to go through the roof — literally — t…

By Jerry ZezimaMy 7-year-old grandson wants to be a paleontologist when he grows up. I, his 70-year-old grandfather, have given him a head start because, let’s face it, I’m a fossil.And I kn…

By Jerry ZezimaMy…

By Jerry ZezimaMy 7-year-old grandson wants to be a paleontologist when he grows up. I, his 70-year-old grandfather, have given him a head start because, let’s face it, I’m a fossil.And I know a lot about prehistoric life. That’s why I should be a tour guide at my grandson’s favorite place, the Museum of Natural History, which he likes to call the Dinosaur Museum.We went there recently because my grandson had made a startling discovery — what appeared to be a fossilized crab, which he found in a field at his school.“It looks like a trilobite,” I said.I knew this be…