“44, single and not going to have kids”

There’s nothing like reading your life summarised in one sentence to really hammer home your situation.

This was the killer sentence from a financial report an investment company sent me recently.

They had pulled together a summary of my financial needs and were making recommendations on how I should invest my Money.

Forget the stellar advice contained in the report; this was the sentence that really stuck with me.

Sure, to them, these were simply assumptions for their report but to me, whether I liked it or not, the reality is that this is my current status.

It’s not like I ever imagined finding myself 44, single, without kids.

It’s also not like I haven’t been trying to find someone special to make myself not single (and possibly lead to kids) but clearly I have not been successful.

As such, like any good strategist, there comes a time to acknowledge that my strategy is simply not working.

What’s been my strategy for not being single?

For good or for bad, my main strategy has far and away been the use of dating apps (like so many modern city dwellers) and last year I wrote a blog about the overlap between business development and dating.

In fact, I realised recently that, on and off, I’ve been on dating apps for 10 years now [see above] 😱.

Sure, I’ve had some amazing multi-year Relationships from those apps in that time but the last year or so it’s been a sprinkling of a date here, a date there.

None of them have really gone anywhere and some have been downright terrible.

Believe me I have a hilarious book in me about the terrible dates I’ve been on: from the lady who turned up and, before she’d even had a sip of a drink, declared that “No, this is never going to work” and then left to the lady that turned up drunk and unable to sit in her chair.

Those are just the dates; there’s a whole another book on the chat I’ve had on dating apps; here’s a sample:

• There was the lady whose first question was “So, what’s wrong with you?”
• The lady who after 3 months of chatting told me that she really wanted to go on a date but her gut told her not to
• The lady who insisted on 3 virtual calls before she would agree to a date
• The lady who was outraged and called me a weirdo because I turned down her opening message to go round and spend the night 🤷🏻‍♂️

Throw in the ghosting, the breadcrumbing, the dead ends, the misunderstandings and everything else and you realise it’s a lot of time spent for not much return.

I kept telling myself that an amazing lady was just around the corner but I’ve now evaluated that and made a big decision.

It’s time to revisit my strategy

After 10 years I’ve decided enough is enough, and it is time to turn off my “dating targeting computer”.

By that I mean, I am walking away from dating apps.

They are not working for me [I’ve actually done a bit of root cause analysis on why this is the case — top reasons are: too much choice, people feeling others are disposal so they are hedging their bets, my own expectations not matching the people who are interested in me and more].

So, it’s time to stop.

Quite frankly, I’ve probably been Investing about an hour a day chatting on these apps, and hundreds of hours on dates that ended up going nowhere, and for what?

It’s time to reclaim my time and invest it elsewhere.

So, as of this weekend I have switched them all off.

Obviously there is no immediate effect; it’s not like the ladies of Hinge and Bumble were sent a notification to the situation nor was there a flurry of last minute sign ups to go on a date with me 😔.

The world of dating apps will not even realise my absence.

For me though, I’m sure I’ll notice; the dating apps have invariably become a bit of a crutch so let’s see how I get on.

What’s next?

Despite the bold decision to walk away from the apps, I don’t have a ready-made strategy as a replacement [something I always advise my clients to have].

My immediate focus will be to make sure I reallocate the time liberated from the apps to constructive endeavours; no slipping back into the routine and no filling the void with some other time-wasting vice — you may see even more of me on LinkedIn during this time.

Medium-term, I shall get more comfortable being 44, single, without kids; it’s amazing how much the pursuit of a significant other permeates into the major decisions in your life [I realised it had influenced decisions on where to live, what work projects to pursue, what social events to attend and more].

I certainly will be investing more time in my other relationships that might have taken a hit because of the amount of time I allocated to the dating apps.

Longer-term, who knows? That’s still up for grabs so watch this space.

All suggestions are gratefully accepted; anyone out there with other successful dating strategies?

Faris 🙂

Faris is the CEO and Founder of Shiageto Consulting, an innovative consultancy that helps firms and individuals sharpen their effectiveness. Connect with him here

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Originally Published on https://farisaranki.medium.com/

Faris Aranki Strategy & Emotional Intelligence

Having spent over 20 years delivering strategic change for the corporate and non-corporate worlds, Faris has experienced first-hand the fine differences between strategic success and failure.
His work has spanned numerous companies (from global behemoths to small start-ups), in numerous countries, across a range of sectors, supporting them all to unlock strategic success.

He came to realize that often what hinders institutions from achieving their goals goes beyond the quality of their strategy; it is their ability to engage effectively with others at all levels and remove barriers in their way. This has led to his passion for improving strategic effectiveness within all businesses and individuals and the foundation of Shiageto Consulting.

Over time, Faris has worked to distill his knowledge of how to solve complex problems in a structured manner combined with his skill on engaging effectively with others and his ability to quickly determine the barriers to a strategy's success. This knowledge has formed the foundation of Shiageto’s workshops, courses and methodologies. Faris believes that any firm or team can adopt these improvements; all it requires is a little of the right support -something Shiageto provides!

On top of leading our business, Faris is now an accomplished speaker and contributor for a variety of outlets.