Siblings, Step-Siblings and Fights About Aging Parents
Blended Families Are At Risk
Sometimes Aging and the need for change can bring out the worst in people. It can happen in blended families with aging parents. It may not surface until the adult children are faced with issues over their aging parent in common. When new obligations emerge, hidden conflicts may surface. At AgingParents.com, where we advise families with age-related issues, we see many instances when step-siblings get into fights about who is supposed to do what. Relationships with step-siblings may be reasonably good for many years and no one suspects what may happen in the future. But, when the birth parent or step-parent ages and begins to decline, things can change dramatically. We see resentment. Some who are not the natural born of the elder get angry and feel imposed upon when the burdens of Caregiving fall on them. They perceive unfairness and rebel against it. We hear comments like “She’s not MY mom, she’s YOUR mom, and you deal with it!” That approach is not successful. Conflict can lead to escalation, and lawsuits. Sometimes everyone cooperates and they work successfully. We can learn from these successful blended families. Here’s an example:
The Family of Eight
Dad, who had 3 kids from his first marriage, began to lose capacity to make good decisions. He had appointed his eldest daughter, (ED), to be in charge if he ever lost his independence. She was responsible and a good communicator. Mom, who had dementia, usually went along with whatever Dad told her to do. She also had 3 kids from her prior marriage. Neither parent was able to safely drive any longer. Dad refused to part with the car, scaring everyone. Mom’s car was also still in the garage. ED knew that the best way to stop the danger was to get rid of both cars. ED knew that it would take all the siblings and step-siblings to carry out any plan to get both parents to stop driving. Fortunately, they all got along but one side of the family was not especially close to the other. The three from each marriage lived in different cities from the others, at a distance from each other and the parents.
The Clever Plan That Required Cooperation
We worked with ED to devise a strategy. ED took a chance and called a meeting. Everyone showed up. ED did have complete legal authority in her documents to dispose of anything her Dad and step-Mom didn’t need. Her job was also to keep them safe. She suggested to all siblings that if 3 of them got the parents out of the house for a meal and some Entertainment, the other three could remove the cars at that time. They all agreed. This meant Travel and getting lodging for the three who lived at a distance. Generously, they made those arrangements. They didn’t tell the parents they were coming, also as agreed by all. The local siblings got the car keys without the parents knowing. They met the other siblings away from the parents’ home and gave them the keys. The local ones took the parents out for a long afternoon with lunch and sightseeing. While they were out, one of the other siblings drove one of the cars to their hotel parking lot and the other sibling did the same. A sibling followed each in another car to bring them back to the parents’ house. It worked smoothly.
The Outcome
The siblings had worked out where the cars would go and there was no dispute about that. The cooperative attitude served everyone well. Then after the parents returned to their home, the distant siblings appeared for a “surprise visit” and the parents were both happy to see them. ED, doing excellent planning ahead and following our recommendation, had also hired a caregiver. She had her come to the house that very evening, and announced to her parents that this was their new driver because it wasn’t safe to drive anymore. The Dad got annoyed at first but seemed to give up fighting over it. All six siblings encouraged him in person to accept having a driver. He had heard the pleas for months from all the kids that he stop driving. He seemed resigned.
The Key To Success
The success of this transition came about because every adult child involved was willing to be generous, contributing time, and Money for travel from those living at a distance. It took all six doing their part to make this work. Further, they accepted the leadership of one person, ED, whether related by birth or not. They understood that the parents’ safety was worth their involvement.
Takeaways
If you are in a family with one or more step-siblings, it can be helpful to discuss what each would do in the event that one or both parents lost their independence and needed care. Driving is just one issue. Control over finances, paying for a caregiver and healthcare needs are other common issues. At least one person needs to take leadership. Ask for the help you want. If others refuse, at least you can plan for what is needed without expecting anything from the uncooperative person(s). The objective of keeping aging parents safe is paramount. This successful family sought advice from AgingParents.com.
By Carolyn L. Rosenblatt, RN-Attorney, Agingparents.com
We are a nurse-lawyer, psychologist team ready to help you make smart plans with your own family. Call us at 866-962-4464 or sign up for a 10 minute introductory call at AgingParents.com.
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Originally Published on AgingParents.com
