Introduction:

Marriage isn’t just about love—it’s about understanding, communication, and emotional connection. Unfortunately, many couples unknowingly make emotional competency mistakes that chip away at their relationship, slowly hurting their marriage. Emotional competency—the ability to understand, manage, and respond to emotions effectively—is essential for a thriving partnership. Without it, resentment builds, trust erodes, and intimacy fades.

Here are seven shocking emotional competency mistakes that could be hurting your marriage, along with actionable ways to fix them before it’s too late.

1. Dismissing Your Partner’s Feelings

1. It Creates Emotional Distance

When you dismiss your partner’s feelings, you send the message that their emotions don’t matter. Over time, this builds emotional distance, as your partner begins to feel unheard, unimportant, and unsupported. A marriage thrives on emotional connection, and ignoring your partner’s concerns slowly weakens that bond, hurting your marriage in ways that can be difficult to repair.

Example:

Your partner expresses frustration about a tough day at work, and you respond with, “It’s not that big of a deal. Just let it go.” Instead of feeling comforted, they feel shut down and disconnected, which over time can make them hesitant to share their emotions with you.

2. It Leads to Resentment and Unresolved Issues

A key sign that you’re hurting your marriage is when resentment starts building up between you and your partner. When emotions are repeatedly dismissed, they don’t just disappear—they pile up. Your partner may start feeling like their feelings are constantly invalidated, which can lead to frustration, resentment, and eventually, emotional withdrawal.

Example:

If your spouse is upset about something you said, and you respond with, “You’re overreacting,” they might let it go in the moment, but deep down, they will feel unheard and unappreciated. Over time, these unresolved emotions can turn into resentment, hurting your marriage by creating an emotional wall between you.

3. It Shuts Down Open Communication

One of the biggest ways dismissing emotions is hurting your marriage is by discouraging open and honest communication. If your partner feels like their emotions aren’t taken seriously, they may stop sharing their thoughts and feelings altogether. This leads to a lack of meaningful conversations, which is a major red flag in any relationship.

Example:

If your partner tries to talk about their feelings and you frequently respond with, “You’re being too sensitive,” they will eventually stop opening up. This lack of communication creates distance, making it harder to resolve conflicts and strengthen your relationship.

4. It Weakens Emotional Trust

A strong marriage is built on emotional trust—the belief that your partner will listen, support, and validate your feelings. When emotions are dismissed, that trust erodes, hurting your marriage by making your partner feel like they can’t rely on you for emotional support.

Example:

If your spouse shares their fears or insecurities and you respond with sarcasm or indifference, they will feel emotionally unsafe. Over time, they may turn to someone else for support, leading to further emotional detachment in your marriage.

5. It Prevents Conflict Resolution

Dismissing emotions doesn’t just create conflict—it prevents resolution. When one partner feels unheard, they may start to shut down or escalate their emotions in an attempt to be acknowledged. This cycle of dismissal and frustration can make conflicts last longer and become more damaging, hurting your marriage with each unresolved issue.

Example:

Your partner expresses that they feel neglected because of your busy schedule. Instead of addressing the concern, you respond with, “You’re making a big deal out of nothing.” Now, instead of resolving the issue, your partner feels invalidated, making them more likely to withdraw or react with anger.

How to Fix It:

Instead of dismissing their feelings, validate them. Try saying, “I see that this is important to you. Let’s talk about it.” This simple shift makes your partner feel understood and valued.

2. Bottling Up Your Own Emotions

Emotional suppression doesn’t just affect you—it affects your partner, your ability to connect, and the overall health of your relationship. Here’s why keeping your feelings inside could be hurting your marriage more than you realize.

1. Suppressed Emotions Create Emotional Distance

Marriage thrives on emotional intimacy, but when you keep your thoughts and feelings locked inside, you create a barrier between you and your partner. Over time, this emotional wall can make your spouse feel disconnected from you, even if everything seems fine on the surface.

Your partner might not understand why you’ve grown distant, which can lead to misunderstandings, resentment, and miscommunication—all of which contribute to hurting your marriage.

How to Fix It:

Make emotional sharing a habit. Instead of waiting until emotions build up and explode, practice expressing your feelings in real time. Saying, “I felt hurt when…” or “I’ve been feeling overwhelmed lately” opens the door to deeper connection and understanding.

2. Bottled-Up Feelings Lead to Resentment

Suppressing emotions doesn’t make them disappear—it makes them fester. When you continuously push down feelings of frustration, disappointment, or sadness, they don’t go away. Instead, they build up over time, leading to resentment, which can silently erode your relationship.

Resentment is one of the most dangerous forces in a marriage because it creates a slow emotional drift that’s difficult to repair. If you’re holding onto unspoken frustrations, they can show up in passive-aggressive behavior, irritability, or emotional withdrawal—all of which are hurting your marriage in ways you may not even realize.

How to Fix It:

Address small issues before they turn into major resentments. If something is bothering you, bring it up in a calm and constructive way. Instead of saying nothing and letting resentment build, try saying, “I feel hurt when this happens. Can we talk about it?”

3. Your Partner Feels Shut Out

When you bottle up your emotions, your partner might sense that something is wrong but have no idea what it is. This uncertainty can make them feel helpless, anxious, or even insecure about where they stand in the relationship.

Over time, your partner may stop trying to engage emotionally because they feel like they’re being shut out. This lack of connection leads to deeper emotional disconnection, ultimately hurting your marriage by weakening the foundation of trust and openness.

How to Fix It:

Let your partner in. Even if you don’t have a solution to your feelings yet, expressing them honestly—without placing blame—keeps communication open. Saying, “I don’t have all the answers yet, but I’ve been feeling off, and I want to talk about it,” shows vulnerability and invites support.

4. Unexpressed Emotions Can Lead to Explosive Arguments

Bottling up emotions might seem like a way to avoid conflict, but it actually increases the chances of an emotional outburst. When you suppress your feelings for too long, they can eventually surface in an unhealthy way—through anger, sarcasm, or even emotional shutdown.

One moment, everything might seem fine, but the next, you might find yourself exploding over something small, catching both you and your partner off guard. These sudden bursts of emotion can create confusion and tension, hurting your marriage by making communication feel unpredictable and unsafe.

How to Fix It:

Practice small releases. Instead of letting emotions pile up until they explode, make a habit of checking in with yourself and sharing what you feel in real time. If something is bothering you, address it in a calm, non-confrontational way before it escalates.

5. Emotional Suppression Weakens Trust

A strong marriage is built on emotional honesty. When you hide your true emotions, even unintentionally, it creates a gap between you and your partner. Over time, this can make your spouse feel like they don’t really know you, hurting your marriage by diminishing trust and authenticity.

If you’re consistently withholding your thoughts and emotions, your partner may start to wonder what else you’re keeping from them. This uncertainty can create doubt, leading to unnecessary friction in your relationship.

How to Fix It:

Be transparent about your feelings, even if they’re uncomfortable to share. Honesty builds trust, while emotional suppression creates distance. Simply saying, “I’ve been struggling with something, and I’d like to talk about it,” reassures your partner that you’re still emotionally present.

3. Letting Stress and Outside Pressures Take Over

1. Stress Makes You Emotionally Unavailable

When Stress takes control, your ability to engage emotionally with your partner diminishes. You may withdraw, become distracted, or seem uninterested in their thoughts and feelings. This emotional absence leaves your partner feeling neglected, slowly hurting your marriage by creating an emotional gap between you.

How to Fix It:

Make a conscious effort to be present. Even during stressful periods, carve out intentional time for your partner. Something as simple as a 10-minute conversation, a hug, or a shared meal without distractions can go a long way in keeping your emotional connection intact.

2. Stress Can Lead to Short Tempers and Conflict

When stress builds up, patience runs thin. This often leads to increased irritability, snappy responses, and unnecessary arguments, hurting your marriage through repeated negative interactions. Instead of your partner being a source of comfort, they may start feeling like another source of stress.

How to Fix It:

Practice self-awareness. Recognize when stress is making you reactive and communicate it clearly. Saying, “I had a rough day and need a little time to decompress” is far better than snapping at your partner over something trivial. Managing stress with emotional awareness prevents it from hurting your marriage through unnecessary conflict.

3. Outside Pressures Create Emotional Distance

When work, finances, or external obligations dominate your mental space, your partner may feel like they’ve been pushed to the sidelines. Over time, this emotional distance erodes connection, hurting your marriage by making your partner feel less important in your life.

How to Fix It:

Make your relationship a priority. No matter how busy or stressed you are, small gestures of love—like a quick “thinking of you” text or a kiss before heading out—can reinforce your commitment and prevent outside pressures from hurting your marriage.

4. Unmanaged Stress Reduces Emotional Support

One of the most damaging aspects of letting stress take over is that it leaves little room for emotional support. If you’re emotionally drained, it becomes difficult to offer encouragement, reassurance, or even basic kindness to your partner. This lack of emotional reciprocity can create frustration and loneliness, hurting your marriage in ways that build resentment over time.

How to Fix It:

Prioritize self-care. Taking care of your own well-being allows you to show up emotionally for your partner. Exercise, proper rest, mindfulness, or even seeking professional help can prevent stress from consuming you and hurting your marriage by making you emotionally unavailable.

5. Stress Can Make You Forget Gratitude and Appreciation

When overwhelmed, it’s easy to focus only on what’s wrong and forget to acknowledge what’s good—including your partner. A lack of appreciation can leave your spouse feeling unnoticed and undervalued, hurting your marriage by diminishing the emotional bond between you.

How to Fix It:

Even in the busiest and most stressful times, take a moment to express gratitude. A simple “Thank you for supporting me” or “I appreciate everything you do” can help prevent stress from hurting your marriage by keeping love and appreciation at the forefront.

4. Avoiding Difficult Conversations

Conflict avoidance might seem like a way to keep the peace, but avoiding tough discussions leads to unresolved issues that fester over time, hurting your marriage. Unspoken problems don’t go away—they just become bigger roadblocks.

How to Fix It:

Develop emotional resilience by addressing issues as they arise. Approach difficult conversations with curiosity instead of defensiveness. Ask, “What can we do to solve this together?” rather than placing blame.

5. Assuming Your Partner Can Read Your Mind

Expecting your partner to know what you need without communicating it is one of the most common mistakes that could be hurting your marriage. When expectations aren’t met, frustration builds, even though your partner may not even know what’s wrong.

How to Fix It:

Be direct about your needs. Instead of waiting for your partner to figure it out, express your desires clearly. Saying “I’d love it if we spent more time together” is much more effective than assuming they should just know.

6. Letting Emotional Contagion Take Over

Emotional contagion—the spread of moods and emotions between people—can be a silent relationship killer. If one of you constantly brings negativity, it can spiral into an unhealthy dynamic, hurting your marriage through resentment and emotional exhaustion.

How to Fix It:

Be mindful of how your emotions impact your partner. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, communicate it instead of projecting it. Saying, “I had a rough day and might need some space to unwind” is much healthier than snapping at your partner.

7. Failing to Show Appreciation

Over time, couples can take each other for granted, leading to emotional disconnection and hurting your marriage in ways you don’t notice until it’s too late. When appreciation fades, resentment can creep in.

How to Fix It:

Make gratitude a habit. Acknowledge even the small things your partner does—whether it’s making coffee or supporting you after a tough day. A simple “Thank you” or “I appreciate you” goes a long way in strengthening your emotional bond.

The Bottom Line

Emotional competency isn’t just a personal skill—it’s the foundation of a healthy relationship. By avoiding these seven mistakes, you can prevent emotional disconnection from hurting your marriage and instead create a partnership built on trust, understanding, and deep emotional intimacy.

The best time to work on your marriage is now. Start by practicing emotional awareness, open communication, and intentional appreciation, and watch as your relationship transforms for the better.

The post 7 Shocking Emotional Competency Mistakes That Could Be Hurting Your Marriage And How To Fix Them appeared first on Douglas E. Noll.

Originally Published on https://dougnoll.com/

Doug Noll Author, Teacher, Visionary

Douglas E. Noll, JD, MA left a successful career as a trial lawyer to become a peacemaker. His calling is to serve humanity, and he executes his calling at many levels. He is an award-winning author, teacher, trainer, and a highly experienced mediator. Doug’s work carries him from international work to helping people resolve deep interpersonal and ideological conflicts to training life inmates to be peacemakers and mediators in maximum-security prisons. His website is https://dougnoll.com.