By Jerry Zezima When I was a kid, I knew all the dinosaurs — not personally, of course, because they were extinct by then and woolly mammoths roamed the earth. But I was a fan of such prehistoric stars as brontosaurus, tyrannosaurus and especially Raquel Welch, who wore a cavewoman bikini in one of my […]
By Jerry Zezima In my hands, which are big and clumsy, tools are dangerous weapons, which is why I generally avoid using saws, hammers, drills and other menacing objects that could slice off a finger, crush a thumb, pummel a palm or otherwise destroy my hands. So imagine my surprise and delight to find out […]
By Jerry Zezima I am not one to make blanket statements, but I will make one now: We have enough blankets in our house to cover the Green Bay Packers. At last count, which entailed going to every room with a calculator (I could have used a pedometer, too), there were 17 blankets scattered about […]
By Jerry Zezima I am frequently in the dark, so I don’t have to go out on a limb to say that the limb that recently fell on our power lines left me in a scary place: The bathroom. Which was dark. That’s because the power had gone out. It happened at 3 a.m. I […]
By Jerry Zezima I like to think outside the box, mainly because I can’t fit inside the box. And even if I could, I would suffocate. That’s why I have never believed that the check is in the mail — unless it’s one of the checks I have to write so I can pay all […]
By Jerry Zezima On a December eve, very recently, I stood outside in the cold darkness dressed in my pajamas — and not for the first time, for I frequently go out in my PJs, much to the consternation of neighbors, shopkeepers and, not least of all, the police. Anyway, there I waited, amid a […]
By Jerry Zezima Since I am in the holiday spirit (and, having just consumed a mug of hot toddy, a glass of eggnog and a nip of cheer, the holiday spirits are in me), I have decided to follow in that great tradition of boring everyone silly by writing a Christmas letter. That is why […]
By Jerry Zezima At the risk of plagiarizing Popeye, who is a cartoon character and can’t sue me, I am what I am. I can’t say what I am in polite company, but I can say who I am: a guy nobody should want to be because, on most days, I don’t want to be […]
By Jerry Zezima The most alarming thing about being home alone, aside from being cast in a geezer version of the famous Macaulay Culkin movie, is setting off the house alarm and having to tell my wife, Sue, who left me home alone, that I could have been arrested for being in our own house. […]
By Jerry Zezima It’s a good thing I’m not a business magnate because I couldn’t sell refrigerators in Death Valley. If I could, I’d be a refrigerator magnate. But it turns out that I can sell peppermint pretzels and mint truffles. And I did, in astonishing amounts, when I recently worked for two days as […]
