Larry F. Waldman, PhD, ABPP
Clinical, Forensic Psychologist

When I began counseling parents in the early 70’s, then as a school psychologist, it was often necessary to warn of the harmful effects of spanking and/or paddling as a common discipline method. Today, the pendulum has swung to the other extreme, as parents are not effectively addressing their children’s inappropriate behavior.

Behavioral parenting theory is founded on the premise that the child learns to behave and function according to the consequences of their actions. Therefore, parents are encouraged to objectively observe the child’s behavior and immediately and specifically reinforce the child when positive acts are exhibited (with praise, hugs, parental time, privileges or the occasional tangible reward). “Catch them when they’re good,” I often recommended.

By focusing on and properly reinforcing good behavior the amount of negative behavior declines since the child’s need (and birthright) for parental attention is largely satisfied by behaving well. Thus, reinforcement simultaneously increases positive behavior and reduces the likelihood of negative behavior. Today’s parents are far better at this than their ancestors.

Since kids are kids, regardless of how much reinforcement they receive, they will occasionally behave inappropriately—some more than others. As with appropriate behavior, this negative behavior must also be effectively addressed. In my view, this is where modern parenting is weak.

Recently I was at a park/playground with my grand-twins (3 ½) at a gathering sponsored by their pre-school. I observed a boy, about 4, aggressively push another boy, also 3-4, off the second step leading to the slide. The child fell to the ground, fortunately protected by wood chips, and began to cry. The “victim’s” mother ran to her child, checked him and comforted him.

The mother of the “aggressor” walked over to her son, moved a few yards away with him, put her arms around him and said reflectively, “Brian, I know you were frustrated, but pushing someone down is dangerous.” Within 15 seconds Brian was climbing back up the slide. From a Behavioral perspective this child learned that when “frustrated” he can act out, immediately receive his mother’s undivided attention and embrace, listen to a brief sermon and be done with it.

If my young son had pushed a child off a ladder, using logical consequences, I sternly would have said, “No fighting!” walked him to a nearby bench and have him sit there for 4-5 minutes (depending on his age) and think about his dangerous act. Perhaps the time-out would have taken place in the car (with me standing nearby). If I perceived the act to be especially egregious, I might have apologized to the host and immediately taken him home—saying little to nothing during the drive.

By using reinforcement effectively for good behavior and properly consequenting inappropriate behavior the child learns to clearly recognize the difference in parental responses to his/her behaviors. Frankly, the actions many parents today provide to good and bad behaviors in their kids are pretty similar.

By properly reacting to an inappropriate behavior the child will likely be uncomfortable for several minutes but will recover. Learning to accept the consequences of negative behavior and regaining composure strengthens the child’s sense of morality and builds resilience to cope with the trials they will assuredly confront in their lives. I fear we are heading for a generation of self-righteous, non-resilient beings. Good parenting requires that children learn to behave responsibly through regular reinforcement and being properly disciplined, when warranted.

Larry F. Waldman, Ph.D., ABPP is a licensed psychologist who practiced in the Paradise Valley area of Phoenix for nearly 50 years. He worked with children, adolescents, parents, adults, and couples. He also provided forensic consultations in the areas of family law, personal injury, and estate planning. He speaks professionally on marriage, parenting, private practice, and psychotherapy to laypersons, educators, corporations, attorneys, chiropractors, and fellow mental health professionals. He teaches graduate courses in counseling. He is the author of “Who’s Raising Whom? A Parent’s Guide to Effective Child Discipline;” “Coping with Your Adolescent;” “How Come I Love Him but Can’t Live with Him? Making Your Marriage Work Better;” “The Graduate Course You Never Had, 2nd Edition: How to Develop, Manage, and Market a Thriving Private Practice;” “Too Busy Earning a Living to Make Your Fortune? Discover the Psychology of Achieving Your Life Goals;” “Overcoming Your Negotiaphobia: Negotiating Through Life;” “Love Your Child More Than You Hate Your Ex: What Every Divorced Parent Needs to Know.” His contact information is: 602-418-8161; email–LarryWaldmanPhD@cox.net; website–TopPhoenixPsychologist.com.

Originally Published on https://topphoenixpsychologist.com/

Dr. Larry F. Waldman Psychologist-Retired

Dr. Waldman is a recently semi-retired licensed clinical, forensic psychologist in Phoenix, Arizona. He conducted a highly successful private practice of 45 years working with children, teens, parents, couples, and adults in a solution-focused manner. He also consulted with family, personal injury, immigration and estate planning attorneys. His BS in Education/Psychology was from the University of Wisconsin; his MS in School Psychology was at the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee; his Ph.D. in Educational/School Psychology was earned at Arizona State University; and his Diplomate (ABPP) was received in 2003.

Waldman was the past president of the Maricopa Psychological Society, the Director of Psychological Services for Charter Psychiatric Hospital of Glendale, an “Official Guide” (top expert) on Parenting for SelfGrowth.com and was a Medical Consultant for the Social Security Office in Phoenix. He continues as an adjunct graduate professor in counseling and serves on the professional advisory board of Stepping Stones of Hope, a charitable organization serving children whom have lost a parent. Waldman also was the co-chair of the Early Career Psychologists Committee with the Arizona Psychological Association (AzPA) for five years. He is certified by the American Council on Exercise (ACE) as a (senior) fitness specialist and is a yoga instructor, certification in process, offering “yoga for seniors.”

In addition to numerous articles which have been published in the local Phoenix media and in the national press, Waldman has (thus far) written seven books: Who’s Raising Whom? Coping with Your Adolescent; How Come I Love Him But Can’t Live with Him? The Graduate Course You Never Had, 2nd Edition; Too Busy Earning a Living to Make Your Fortune? Overcoming Your Negotiaphobia: Negotiating Through Your Life; and Love Your Child More Than You Hate your Ex.

Dr. Waldman trained as a public speaker and has presented for PESI. His signature presentations are: The Business of Private Practice—The Graduate Course You Never Had and Teaching Parents to Parent. He has made over 150 paid presentations in his career to attorneys, chiropractors, psychologists, family therapists, counselors, social workers, school psychologists and school counselors. To the community Waldman speaks on parenting, marriage, stress, depression and anxiety, wellness, grand parenting and psychotherapy. He also is a seasoned podcast guest. His seminars are organized, practical and entertaining—offering “edutainment.”