The Road to Intimacy Begins with Self-Intimacy
My former husband and I tried to save our marriage in our own way. When was the beginning of the end? After twenty years, the role of alcohol couldn’t be ignored anymore.
He said he was “working on” his drinking, but that turned out to be a lie. He agreed that I could attend a Therapy session with his therapist who was an expert in addiction. The shocked look on the therapist’s face confirmed that my charismatic husband had been lying about the seriousness of his relationship with alcohol.
We both liked one couple’s counselor who was certified to address addiction, but she got a new job. Then we went to a new couple’s counselor. As I was vulnerably pouring out my soul, the counselor interrupted me.
“Are you done?” On face value, he accepted my husband’s agreement to stop drinking and announced, “Let’s move forward.”
“You don’t like him do you?” My husband said when we got into the elevator after the session. He was unaware of his own demons, but he respected me enough to know that I wasn’t being respected by the man who was supposed to help us.
The path to Clarity about whether to end a marriage is filled with confusion, guilt, and compassion mixed with anger. There is no right answer and fuck all those people who feel entitled to express their opinion about what’s right.
If you do the real work of reflecting about how you got to that point, eventually clarity emerges about the right decision, the one that saves your Soul and releases your partner from being responsible for your psychological needs. Get ready for disappointing the people around you who have been projecting their own hopes and dreams onto you. They’re just selfish.
In my experience, one of the partners must make the move in the game of chicken. Ending a marriage or long-term relationship takes courage but forcing yourself to stay in the wrong relationship deprives both of you of the lessons that need to be learned to ascend to your spiritual and psychological potential.
Getting to Clarity.
Ending my marriage was the right thing to do but the path to getting there felt like torture. My mother complex, conventional beliefs, people’s opinions, including that of a therapist who unethically told me he had been rooting for reconciliation got in the way of truth of the situation.
In hindsight, it was not an accident that I answered the irrational calling to pursue an MA/PhD in depth psychology. At first, I considered it expensive therapy, but answering the next call to research women’s experience of reconciling sexuality and spirituality led me to the wonderful sense of purpose I feel today. If you’re interested in reading my dissertation, shoot me an email at dlukovich@gmail.com. The story of my midlife unraveling is coming soon in my memoir, When Sex Meets God: a midlife story. Click here to learn more and join my launch team.
Now I help couples find the truth of the situation in their relationship. I don’t have an agenda, and I give them permission to stop “needing things to work out.” This neediness gets in the way of the honesty required to get to the root of what they’ve been projecting onto each other to avoid meeting their own psychological needs.
Click here to learn more about my 3P’s Framework for finding the deeper meaning in your relationship.
Many of my clients bravely accept the invitation to explore the root of their relationship patterns and their insights are exciting and empowering.
They courageously build the capacity to withstand the discomfort of feeling awkward and vulnerable, which is required for deep connection. They’re hungry for true intimacy.
One of my couples has been seeing me separately for more than a year to get through a stressful health issue and the Anxiety that accompanied it. A couple in this situation might be tempted to just go back to normalcy, which typically is dysfunction. That was me, because I didn’t know any better. I was always just wanting to get back to my busy life, my safe space.
But not this couple.
Now they’re on a new journey back to intimacy, although it’s turning out that what they thought was intimacy back in the day wasn’t really intimacy. As is the case for many couples, alcohol played a role in fooling them into thinking they had been intimate.
So, their adventure towards building an intimate connection is just beginning.
Practical Ways to Build Intimacy in Your Relationship.
When I asked my Twitter community the other day to define intimacy, my favorite answers had to do with feeling safe being vulnerable. Yes!
A recent joint session with my couple was foundational for next steps. Things were shared that had not been shared before; it was like a faucet had been turned on. The mutual relief made it possible for the truth that came next.
During follow-up sessions with them individually, the freely flowing water turned to gunk. Out came resentment and anger that would surely be an obstacle on the road to intimacy.
I gave them four assignments. Try them out if this is resonating with you.
Assignment #1: Write a letter to each other (it will not be sent). There are likely some old emotions that need to be allowed and expressed. If they aren’t, they will pop up as defensiveness and get in the way of connecting with each other. Write a letter addressed to your partner that expresses all the resentment and anger that you’re aware of or maybe that is hiding from awareness. Once you start writing, it will come out. No holding back. You won’t be sharing this with the other person; it’s not necessary. This is an inside job.
Assignment #2: Ritual to release. Ideally, once you both have written these letters, engage in a ritual together to burn them. The ritual will be a powerful act of bonding. Be intentional about it. You could do it one at a time or together, and perhaps before you toss the letters into the fire say something like: I allow all my emotions the expression they need so they can transform into something beautiful.
Assignment #3: Grow in Self-Intimacy. To be intimate with another requires intimacy with ourselves. Consider abstaining from literal sex and instead dip your toe into the world of no-sex sex. Physical sex is usually focused on the outcome of release rather than lingering in pleasurable arousal. Before you can engage in sexuality differently, you must shed your old ways.
To truly give to another person requires first giving to yourself. Simply being in solitude with guided Meditation or silence is a wonderful way grow in self-intimacy.
Listen to my Self-Intimacy guided meditation alone and then together. Being comfortable in a private and safe space is important, and you can stay dressed or be naked. Noticing what thoughts and emotions come up and journaling about them will help you connect more deeply to yourself, which in turn will be the foundation for a new intimate relationship with your partner.
You can also listen to my chat with Jenn Wodtke, Pleasure and Orgasm Coach, where we talk about touchless orgasm.
Assignment #4: Disrupt Old Patterns. That’s a lot right there. Other than that, I recommend being more honest with each other. Honesty is difficult AND critical to get to the deeper truth of the situation. Have a little fun with this and don’t take yourselves too seriously. As always, journaling will accelerate the process of gaining new insights, processing old emotions, and freeing up energy to move forward to cultivate your new relationship. I’m super excited for you! This takes courage that most people don’t have.
The Deepr Meaning of Intimacy
There’s a deeper meaning to your desire for intimacy. Right now, you might believe your partner is the doorway to intimacy, but that’s not true. Your relationship can be a vessel through which the Divine is attempting to reach you, but the truth of the situation is that you have access to the Divine through your Self. The bridge to the Divine is deep relationship with your Self, but we mistakenly believe we need an intermediary to the Divine.
There’s nothing like connecting with Divine directly. In my own midlife unraveling experience, the moment I surrendered the burden of figuring out my life to the transcend, I exploded in pleasure that felt spiritual and sexual at the same time. All those limiting beliefs fall away to open your heart to receive creative intelligence to flow through your unique experience of being human to create what only you and the Divine can create in partnership.
Suddenly, you realize your life is both insignificant and significant, the ultimate paradox. If you're ready to dig deep and uncover your hidden purpose, click here to schedule a free chat. Let's start excavating the truth of your life. If you're too shy for that, click here to attend one of my weekly Q&A sessions. Or learn the language of your unconscious in the privacy of your own home. Purchase my book, Your Soul is Talking. Are You Listening?
Thanks for self reflecting!
Dr. Deborah
Originally Published on https://www.deborahlukovich.com/blog/
