Navigating Election Aftermath: Processing Emotions, Setting Boundaries, Countering Violence & Rebuilding Community
“Victory is celebrated in the light, but it is won in the darkness.”
“Adversity always lies on the path of advancement.”
“One way or another, the past always finds us.”
––Dune: Prophecy
(TV Series, Season 1, Episode 1)
Whether you were devastated by the election results or happy about them, if you can self-reflect, you will find something helpful in this post. It's longer than usual, so grab a coffee, tea or nice glass of wine, maybe a pen and notebook, and dive into my reflections about how to move forward post-eletion without compromising your values.
You’re used to my proclamations that something important is working itself out during this regressive period in American and global history. Unfortunately, the regression is only accelerating, and it isn’t clear what will need to happen to force new and just ideas about human dignity into Consciousness that can overcome the hold that well-funded corrupt systems currently maintain.
(click here for a blog post about this topic)
Extremism is climaxing to force us to transcend old ideas and beliefs that have become stagnant, rigid, and unjust. The extremists are playing their role. They take pleasur ein taunting you; they’re belligerent and mean, less rational, and becoming more vengeful and violent.
We’re all being backed into a corner.
You’ve probably discovered that tolerance, appeasement, negotiation, and capitulation aren’t the answers. There’s an insatiable nature to those who have become swept up in the regression.
Something must run its course.
The artists, philosophers, psychologists, historians, wise people already know their role.
What's yours?
Soon, you will have no option but to take action to stop the madness, working to usher in progress, and begin the healing process. If not, you are in danger of becoming that good German who stood by in the presence of evil.
In this post, I offer a framework to help you maintain sanity, protect your Mental Health, and uncover the meaning of your emotional reactions to others, and wonder about why others perceive you to be a threat. Others, in this case, also include an entire group/movement that has taken on the characteristics of an abuser.
Once you explore the deeper wounds that cause you to “react” to others emotionally (setting aside objectively “bad” behavior on the part of others), you’ll be able to discover what those people might be projecting onto you and vice versa. Instead of being overwhelmed by emotions and feeling helpless, you will see the truth of the situation more clearly and respond confidently instead of reacting emotionally.
As you build this skill to become an observer of your own life, you will notice that when you do not react in the way others expect you to (they want and need you to feed their inner monster), you’ll throw them off kilter, and a doorway will open for potential human connection.
Their trance may even be broken.
You might not be able to see how your response or reaction to people and events impacts the world around you every day, but that’s precisely how the world changes: not by being silent and avoiding conflict, not by waiting for an authority figure to take care of it for you, but by responding effectively (not reacting).
C.G. Jung, one of the founders of depth psychology, disliked groups. He warned that a group's psyche could become that of a wild animal. He suggested that humanity's fate depended on the self-reflecting individual with a solid inner moral authority to overcome mass-minded ideas and reject warped interpretations of religious doctrine.
I agree it’s unfair that others can’t self-reflect and that some of us must bear the burden of seeing what others can’t or won’t. To that, I respond, “To whom much is given, much is expected,” as the saying goes. The world has always relied on small groups of activists to challenge systems, even bravely putting their lives in danger on behalf of the collective.
It is also unfair that most fail to remember that their privileges exist only because of those activists. There is no time to whine about that now, although it is good to remind people of this fact in specific and relatable ways.
Part 1 – Managing/Repairing Broken Relationships, Especially with Your Self
The morning after the election, my two young adult children (ages 24 and 26) sobbed. I sobbed, too, at the realization that I came of age during what was probably the peak of our current systems. Something died on election day. It was so heavy, but because of our close relationship and my depth psychological perspective, by the end of the day, my children and I had successfully made our way through most of the phases of the grieving process.
Soon, we were having spirited conversations about resisting and countering the coming darkness, channeling negative emotions like anger and exasperation into empowered actions like speaking up and standing up for those demonized and scapegoated.
Over the past three weeks, some clients have also needed space to process conflicting emotions, including anger, confusion, exhaustion, Anxiety, and even despair. My role is to help them find meaning in their experience to pull them into a future version of themselves, the version their Soul wants them to play during this part of their lives. After all, we don’t get to pick and choose what time in history we live in.
Again, whether you are devastated or happy about the election results, these steps will help you become more self-aware. This will allow you to see the truth of the situation and respond more effectively, even helping the other person hear and understand the more profound message you intend to convey.
No matter what, increased self-awareness results in self-compassion, which makes it possible to feel compassion for others.
Quickly, here are the steps to this process:
Step #1: Validate your own emotions. Emotions are part of the body and cannot be controlled, which is why we hate it when other people trigger us. We feel helpless, but why do we feel so? That's the task. We do have more control over feelings and thoughts about their meaning, so first, allow and linger in the difficult emotions; eventually, they will communicate what they want from you. Here are links to some guided meditations to help you with this.
Guided Active Imagination for Anxiety
Exploring Anger Through Active Imagination
Step #2: Uncover what you could be projecting onto the other person. In Monsters in Life and Literature, forensic psychologist Peter Demuth, sums up this concept concisely: “Projection is that tendency to put into others what we most wish to avoid in ourselves … the thing we wish to avoid in ourselves is our shadow.” (p. 4) Intense emotion, projection, and an underlying complex are likely at play, rooted in a wound that happened long ago.
Another brilliant mind, Dr. Craig Chalquist, suggested that many “liberal” or “progressive” people are projecting their aggression onto others, who have coalesced as today's GOP, meaning forcing the GOP to express our own inner rage, because we feel it is wrong to do so. We could say the same about members of the GOP, who have done such a good job of demonizing what it means to be “liberal,” that many MAGA members are disgusted at the show of normal love and affection. It's complicated at an individual level, but when it coalesces at the group level, we can see the projection more clearly, how one group carries what is in the other group's shadow that they are not conscious of.
Step #3: Imagine what the other person might be projecting onto you. If both parties have emotions, try to uncover your projection and complex before wondering what the other person might be projecting onto you. If you’re the emotional one, the answer resides in you. If the other person is emotional, the answer resides inside them. Many times, there is a co-dependent dynamic, where the response of one triggers an emotional response in the other, and then it's difficult to step away.
One of my most popular resources is my 3P’s Framework for finding the the deeper meaning in Relationships. (Click here to read the blog post)
Step #4: Disrupt the co-dependent nature of the relationship by responding differently. There are stories of the rare police officer who can de-escalate a potentially violent situation. How is this done? In these cases, the police officer has not been triggered and can sometimes disrupt the perpetrator's expectations with compassion, respect, or neutrality. This might disarm the perpetrator briefly, making it possible to connect deeply on a human level, which is enough time to take him into custody peacefully. This non-violent resistance is a skill you can build to disrupt deeply entrenched emotional response patterns with others.
(Click here for the blog post about a modern application for nonviolent resistance).
Step #5: Back the other person into self-reflection. If you can get your wits about you, an effective way to respond to someone emotional or irrational is to ask, “Why do you believe that?” repeatedly. Instead of debating, correcting, or defending, you keep asking the question. People appreciate being heard, but old resentment and defensiveness may inhibit their ability to explain what they mean. By repeatedly asking, “Why do you believe that?” they might discover and be surprised by the root of their belief. Being conscious of the deeper belief is empowering; now they can make a choice.
This Exercise is not for the faint of heart and neither is it your job to do this. However, if you're curious, you might actually enjoy experimenting with your capacity to back people into self-reflection. Cult deprogramming experts say that it’s only when a cult member discovers they’ve been lied to that they will question everything else, which might lead to the unraveling of their self-imposed prison. Your question might be the pivot or tipping point.
(Click here to listen to a cult expert).
Step #6: Determine what might not be yours to fix and refocus on where your attention is needed. Some of us have a Savior complex (mine is finally weakening). We think we’re the hero when we’re not. Who put ourselves in charge of ensuring someone else’s life goes well? That may have come from a parent making you responsible for their happiness.
Shake it off!
The hidden agenda of our good intentions is to make us feel better or to avoid witnessing someone else's suffering. Stop interfering in other people’s journeys. If you can pull yourself away from the self-appointed role as “fixer,” you might discvoer it was just a distraction from answering the call to what wants to emerge from you. Fixing other people is a way of avoiding our psychological and spiritual journey.
Short Case Studies
The following three examples illustrate how these steps can sometimes quickly lead to new insights and dissipate anxiety and other negative emotions. I’ve tried to offer examples that capture what you might currently be struggling with.
Example 1: Feeling Betrayed by Someone's Vote
This client’s emotions were fresh and raw; our session was just days after the election. I changed her name.
Marsha: I texted my sister after the election and felt so guilty about my text that I apologized immediately.
Me: Why did you apologize?
Marsha: It was mean.
Me: Your text? What was mean about it?
Marsha: I said, “How could you vote for XXX. You hurt me.”
Me: Why is that mean? You asked your sister a fair question and told her how something she did hurt you.
Marsha: I’ve always protected her.
Me: From what? Why are you protecting your adult sister from the consequences of her behavior?
Marsha: I never looked at it that way.
In a few exchanges, my client saw how she had played the role of appeaser in her relationship with her sister for years, who she says is quite belligerent.
First, my client needed to validate her own emotions. Second, I helped her see her emotional reaction was about something old. Feeling hurt was more about a long-term pattern of not being direct and honest with her sister over the years, because her sense of Security got in the way. Third, I reminded her that protecting someone isn’t always in their best interest. If she had never been direct with her sister over the years, how could she expect her sister to consider her feelings now? There are natural consequences that, when suffered, result in Growth, and my client could be preventing her sister’s growth.
I also suggested to my client that she could communicate more effectively, and we walked through a potential Start with Heart message that she could do in person or via email.
(Click here for my free Start with Heart template)
Example 2: The Right to Take a Break or End a Tradition
In this example, another client always feared communicating negative emotions to her sister. She received a text from her sister that left her feeling attacked, and this coincided with plans for the holiday season. Already a strained relationship, the result of the election forced a reckoning.
Me: Why did you feel attacked?
Denise (changed name): My sister regularly asks me questions about my life, and after I answer, she often asks, “What’s wrong?” I feel defensive about how I’m feeling at that moment, and resentment wells up in me. She might say something like, “After you’re done with XXX, are you going to take a break?” I feel like the question is covering up a hidden agenda. I feel judged before I even answer the question.
Me: Why do you care?
Denise: She bothers me, but then I question whether I’m being selfish.
Me: So, you don’t feel you have a right to your emotions?
Denise: I’m much older than her, and as a child, I had to take her everywhere.
Me: So, you feel responsible for her and resent it? Maybe you also resent yourself for not being able to stop automatically anticipating and adapting to her potential emotional state.
Denise: I can see where I think I don’t have choices when I do.
Me: We always have a choice, even if it’s about how to think about the situation, but there are consequences to our choices. We might fear the consequences, which is why we don’t make the choice that needs to be made. So, resentment builds and gets expressed even in benign situations. That stored-up energy needs to be released at some point.
Denise: Yes! I can see now that I do have a choice. I don’t want to be around her, especially because she visibly disapproves of my gay daughter, who has found love with a partner. That deeply hurts me.
Me: Then don’t be around her. Don’t invite her to a sacred family gathering.
Denise: I can’t do that.
Me: Why not?
Denise: I’m not ready.
What Denise was ready for was to be more curious about this year’s Thanksgiving gathering. I suggested she try to slip into the role of observer. She could sit back and observe the gathering as if she were watching a Netflix movie and even find some humor in the ridiculousness of her sister’s insecurity, masked as being judgmental of others.
Then, we could debrief during our next session. This brought her great relief and a sense of empowerment where there wasn’t before. You can see how we worked through the phases.
Example 3: Challenging Parents
I, too, struggle, specifically with my father. Every human is a complex mixture of inherited tendencies, patterns that developed from childhood based on avoiding pain or pursuing pleasure, patterns that get entrenched and are difficult to reverse. Without a framework or capacity to self-reflect or courage to seek Therapy, resentment builds, and when the proper authority figure, propped up by a corporate media company, appears as the Savior, people can easily get swept up.
But there is hurt, and there is damage.
Over the past eight years, my ability to converse with my father about various topics has diminished. My father, who had expanded his tolerance through watching his three daughters grow into strong, independent women, has regressed. For example, his former embrace of feminism as the right to self-determination was replaced with misogynistic comments, not about me, but about women in general.
After attempting diversionary tactics to refocus conversations, eventually, I had no choice but to ask for a boundary that specific topics were off-limits. My father did a decent job of honoring the boundary. Still, during one lunch about a year ago, I could see the resentment and anger welling up in him until he blurted out an emotional and irrational comment that was objectively false. Challenging the statement just made it worse, so I calmly got up from the table in the restaurant, disposed of my trash, returned to the table, and asked to start over.
It was too late; the anger had to go somewhere.
“Thank you for lunch. I’m leaving.”
I was shaking as I walked out on my father, but it had to be done. I was not going to be a victim, a punching bag for his lifetime of resentment, which needed someplace to go.
I didn’t give up on our relationship, though. I stopped on the drive home, reminded him in a text of the boundary he had agreed to, and told him the consequence of not honoring it was that he wouldn’t be able to see me.
Three weeks later, we had a wonderful lunch. My father hugged me so hard after lunch, which oddly reminded me that when children are given boundaries, their Stress levels decrease.
The moral of this story is that standing up for myself was the right thing to do and that it helped my relationship with my father. He also cared enough to honor the boundary, albeit imperfectly. It is possible that walking out on him was shocking enough to back him into a bit of self-reflection. One can only hope. I would have had to absorb his anger like a punching bag if I had not dared to confront him as an authority figure and warn him of the natural consequences of not abiding by it.
I’m not willing to do that. You shouldn’t either.
I'm sad about the situation. I feel like a parent instead of a grown daughter, but it’s okay.
There is a way to do this dance, and I can help you!
Part 2: How People Are Being Primed to Accept and Commit Violence
“By constructing such a psychological barrier between ourselves and the individual who commits horrific acts, we gain a sense of security that reinforces our sense of goodness.”
––Dr. Peter Demuth
Author of Monsters in Life and Literature:
A Forensic Psychologist Reflects on the Nature of Good and Evil
On the eve of the election, I was ready to celebrate but prepared to dive into finding meaning in the alternate universe if it should occur.
There’s always a hidden agenda behind my procrastination. A couple of months ago, I was introduced to Dr. Peter Demuth, a forensic psychologist and author of Monsters in Life and Literature. Appreciating the mysterious workings of my unconscious, I released my guilt about procrastinating and picked up the book last week, finishing it in three days.
C.G. Jung’s study of the most extreme psychiatric patients reinforced the truth that we all contain the potential for good and evil. And yet, so many desperately seek scapegoats to absorb their resistance to this fact in themselves.
Dr. Demuth’s book beautifully educates the reader about available theories explaining how a person becomes violent. While this might sound boring, the author brings these concepts to life through his analysis of many familiar monster stories, including Frankenstein, Dracula, The Phantom of the Opera, The Werewolf, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, The Pied Piper, The Golem, and Dorian Gray.
I was wide-eyed, especially after reading about Dark Adaptation, a term describing the process by which someone can become antisocial or criminal in their orientation (p. 18).
You do not need to be a forensic psychologist to acknowledge that a significant portion of our population is being groomed to accept and even commit violence towards individuals who have become scapegoats (e.g. immigrants, transpeople, Muslims, Palestinians, women, Democrats, liberals, athetists, etc.) determined by certain people in power who seek to sow division to distract from their larger agenda of further entrenching wealth and power.
Whether you have been swept up unwittingly in the growing darkness or are horrified watching this happen to your neighbors, family, friends, and coworkers, understanding this process at a basic level will help you respond more effectively. You will get better at discerning between those who are aware that they are manipulating others to become moree powerful versus those whose psychology has made them unwitting victims of disinformation and the lure of the cult leader who plays the role of Father God.
Either way, you will learn more about yourself and others, contributing to healing and unifying against the correct enemy.
The Lonnie Athens’ Model of Violence
My friend, Dr. Craig Chalquist, who has expertise working with domestic abusers, shared his insights about how what was on display at the Republic National Convention was characteristic of an abuser. His TikTok video illustrating this fact went viral (upt o 157,000 views), mainly because it assured victims of violence that they were not crazy for being triggered by the violent rhetoric of today’s GOP.
In our efforts to maintain compassion for fellow human beings, many of us have been led to believe that we must tolerate intolerance.
Rubbish!
We must NOT obey in advance, or we will become victims. Although the exhaustion of retaining or claiming our sense of personal power makes it tempting to acquiesce, we must recognize what we are modeling for our children.
My goal in sharing these stages from Dr. Demuth’s fine book is to empower you to do what you must to protect your sanity, regardless of the reaction you are likely to receive. If you need space from family members, then demand it and ignore the childish temper tantrums of people who have yet to suffer the consequences of their belligerence.
On the other hand, if you have been swept up in the madness and are suffering too, you might discover how you have been manipulated and are being groomed to do bad things on behalf of powerful people who do not care about you. You are already a victim of abuse. Or, if you choose to stay in that movement, you might grow your understanding of how others feel hurt by your choice.
Either way, everyone has a chance to grow.
As I outline the stages of Lonnie Athens’ Model of Violence, notice what resonates with you. Have you fallen prey to subjugation and violent Coaching, or have you unintentionally found yourself playing the role of perpetrator of belligerency masked as “owning the libs?” I suspected there was something sinister going on inside people who feel pleasure at other people's expense.
No shame, just awareness, and self-compassion are the goals.
“Most individuals can adjust back and forth
between light and dark, but it is reasonable to assume that
the longer one stays in any one condition
the ability to adjust back to the other,
or even the desire to adjust back becomes compromised and truncated.”
(p. 17)
––Dr. Peter Demuth
The Lonnie Athens Model has four stages as oulined in Dr. Demuth's book. Although the theory is based on studies of violent criminals, a lighter version of these phases operates in relationships and people all around us.
Stage One: Brutalization, comprised of three sub-stages: (1) Violent Subjugation, (2) Personal Horrification, and (3) Violent Coaching.
In the Violent Subjugation Phase, a sense of dominance (aggressor over victim) is established between two people through fear (psychological or physical) (p. 33). The fear could be of not living up to harsh inner standards or fear of hurting someone.
Even though true equality/partnership is rare in relationships, couples, friends, and coworkers often find a way to balance each other. Eventually, one member of the relationship might realize that, over time, they have over-adapted in a way that has given their partner power over them. Unfortunately, our tolerance or capacity to be flexible can enable people to subjugate us.
Once someone has gained power, even when we’ve permitted it to happen, they rarely give it up. By avoiding conflict, one day, we might feel like a victim and want to fight back. In these cases, the lesson is to gain the courage to regain our power and force a new balance in the relationship.
In the Personal Horrification Phase, a person feels helpless to do anything about the power imbalance in the relationship. “… a burning rage can begin to slowly simmer and develop.” (p. 35) The inner rage replaces the sense of helplessness, but new fantasies of revenge pull the person dangerously close to violence.
In the Violent Coaching Phase, the dominant person instructs the weaker person how to deal with people who disrespect them, namely, to teach them a lesson. Because the subjugated person cannot cross the dominant person, they turn their inner helplessness, which has turned to rage, towards others. If you find yourself being aggressive or impatient with certain people, you might reflect on the dynamic of your relationship with a spouse or parent (p. 37) and how that is holding you back in other areas of your life.
Stage Two: Belligerency (aka “Own the Libs”).
In the Belligerency Stage, the victim who has been coached (by their own dominant or abusive authority figure) begins targeting others they perceive to have provoked them. (p. 37) “They carefully start, slowly at first, to display belligerence (verbal aggression), and study the reactions of others, (p. 39), relishing in the fear (triggering) that results from their behavior. The sense of power can be intoxicating, as they push the boundaries of other people’s “buttons.” The fear or Trauma they create in others “increases the bully’s own inflated (narcissistic) sense of self.” (p. 37)
Sarcasm can be a form of belligerence, depending upon how the sarcastic person uses it and the psychological need it fulfills in them.
I have witnessed and experienced this first hand. I often ask the aggressor why they are so mean or point out that their desire to dominate reveals their inner weakness. That usually makes them go away and seek out someone else to make suffer. I love teaching clients how to respond to belligerent people by exploring the root of their emotional response, whic is usually fear of oppression. Coming out the other side and being able to diminish the aggressor's power is empowering.
Stage Three: Violent Performances.
In the Violent Performances Stage, the perpetrator, who has “learned during the second stage how to ‘jerk people around’ … using belligerency” (p. 41), seeks to “threaten, scare and dominate another person as they have fantasized.” All that remains is a successful experience of violence to make it real. Once they succeed, the confidence to aggress against others becomes a foundation to build.
The growing confidence of Nazi groups invading small towns to intimidate is an example. In most cases, the Nazi marchers cover their faces, which might mean they're not quite confident enough to follow through on their mantra of “Jews will not replace us!” But they are testing the waters, and if they are not countered by good people, we see they are becoming more emboldened.
This is a dangerous phase that I fear many otherwise good people are on the verge of or already there.
Stage Four: Virulency.
In the Virulency Stage, old self-doubts are covered by a sense of indestructibility and “become a godlike state that does not allow for any dissent.” (p. 41) Sound familiar? Authoritarians are in reality, deeply wounded people, that should never have power, and when they do, their psychopathy is contageous. The task is getting them and their most vocal assistants out of power!
As Alita: Battle Angel declares, “I will not stand by in the presence of evil!” It's a wonderful film to inspire your personal journey to Self and the version of you that wants to emerge during these times.
(Click here to read my reflections on Alita: Battle Angel and Re-exploring my relationship with God.)
Rebuilding Community: Lessons from Two World Wars
I’ve always seen things that others don’t, connected dots in a way people around me respond to with Spock’s eyebrow raise, and even gain profound insights about the collective by watching superhero movies eight or more times. Random people every day find and enjoy my blog post about the deeper meaning of the film Aquaman, for example.
I can go back in time and find many pivot points that brought us to this point. Yes, the election results devastated me, but I also feel exhilarated, and my spiritual warrior self has been activated. I was built for times like these!
I’m already looking ahead to the time when the long-awaited expansion of consciousness takes root. On the other hand, that process might be slowed down by either not enough people stepping up or others who will be tempted to hold grudges against those who genuinely wish to escape the madness.
I’m not a facts-and-figures person when it comes to history, but one aspect of the Two World Wars that resonated with me was one lesson. Some historians concluded that one contributor to the rise of Hitler and Naziism was the way the Allies not only devastated Germany after WWI but also failed to help the country rebuild. The Allies corrected this after WWII.
We must remember this lesson as some MAGA members discover their own “last straw.” Cult experts suggest that the moment a cult member realizes they’ve been lied to is subjective, but that moment puts the potential escape in motion.
It is difficult to leave a community that preys on your fears, so I want to introduce you to Rich Logis of Leaving MAGA. He is a former MAGA who was all in until certain things no longer made sense, like the mishandling of COVID-19 and January 6th. He is a kind Soul who supports and shares the voices of good people who were swept up in the madness and courageously and remorsefully are seeking to repair relationships with family members and friends.
It is incredibly difficult to leave a community that replaced former relationships, which is why we must welcome these people into a new community based on love and human dignity. Another organization is Parents for Peace, which works with families on intervention with family members who have been radicalized.
Other Resources
If you want to explore this topic further, here are links to more blog posts and podcast episodes about the more profound reckoning between the archetypal masculine and feminine.
Blog post: Transcending Division Requires Understanding What’s Trying to Be Worked Out Through the Division. (Dose of Depth interview with Dr. Craig Chalquist)
Dose of Depth: The Intersection of Arousal, Shame and the Fear of Trans People.
Dose of Depth: Men's Patriarchal Wound: A Chat w/William Diplock, Psychotherapist & Trainer for Gender Equity & Reconciliation International (GERI)
Dose of Depth: A Framework for Self-Reflection in a Time of Conspiracy Theories w/Review of Dark Religion: Fundamentalism from the Perspective of Jungian Psychology, by Vlado Solc & George Didier (blog post version)
I love Helping Clients with Conflict and Anger!
Anger is a productive emotion that when explored can transmute into something creative. Anger wants something from us, but we often don’t know how to discover what this is. Instead, we project it onto others unfairly or internalize it and suffer.
I love working with clients struggling in a relationship with someone who is also willing to explore. I have worked with mothers and daughters separately, couples separately and together, and even sisters separately. Your conflict has meaning; it’s the doorway to growth that is needed now.
Click here to schedule a FREE exploratory chat to find the deeper meaning in your relationship conflicts. I promise you’ll learn something about yourself even if you don’t hire me.
If you’re not ready for coaching, learn the language of your unconscious in my book, Your Soul is Talking. Are You Listening? You can buy it here or listen to me read chapters on the Dose of Depth podcast.
Thanks for being a self-reflecting human!
Dr. Deborah Lukovich
Originally Published on https://www.deborahlukovich.com/blog/
