By Jerry Zezima I like to think outside the box, mainly because I can’t fit inside the box. And even if I could, I would suffocate. That’s why I have never believed that the check is in the mail — unless it’s one of the checks I have to write so I can pay all […]

By Jerry Zezima On a December eve, very recently, I stood outside in the cold darkness dressed in my pajamas — and not for the first time, for I frequently go out in my PJs, much to the consternation of neighbors, shopkeepers and, not least of all, the police. Anyway, there I waited, amid a […]

By Jerry Zezima Since I am in the holiday spirit (and, having just consumed a mug of hot toddy, a glass of eggnog and a nip of cheer, the holiday spirits are in me), I have decided to follow in that great tradition of boring everyone silly by writing a Christmas letter. That is why […]

By Jerry Zezima At the risk of plagiarizing Popeye, who is a cartoon character and can’t sue me, I am what I am. I can’t say what I am in polite company, but I can say who I am: a guy nobody should want to be because, on most days, I don’t want to be […]

By Jerry Zezima The most alarming thing about being home alone, aside from being cast in a geezer version of the famous Macaulay Culkin movie, is setting off the house alarm and having to tell my wife, Sue, who left me home alone, that I could have been arrested for being in our own house. […]

By Jerry Zezima It’s a good thing I’m not a business magnate because I couldn’t sell refrigerators in Death Valley. If I could, I’d be a refrigerator magnate. But it turns out that I can sell peppermint pretzels and mint truffles. And I did, in astonishing amounts, when I recently worked for two days as […]

By Jerry Zezima Laughter, goes an old saying, is the best medicine. And, I would add, because I’m old myself, the cheapest. It was the prescription for a smooth transition from my old doctor, who always told me jokes but is now retiring, to my new physician, who not only has an excellent sense of […]

By Jerry Zezima Here is today’s test in basic arithmetic: If you had two grade schoolers and one college graduate who happens to be the kids’ grandfather, and you gave each of them a math quiz, how many would flunk? Answer: One. If, for extra credit, you guessed the dummy was me, go to the […]

By Jerry Zezima Refrigerators leave me cold. That’s because I can seldom find what I want to eat. After moving around all the contents so I can locate the pickles or the pork chops or whatever I am looking for, I have to ask my wife, Sue, where the heck (not my exact phrasing) that […]

By Jerry Zezima If the shoe fits, let someone else wear it. That’s my motto now that I have donated four pairs of clodhoppers to my granddaughters’ school fundraiser. Usually, fundraisers are held so parents and grandparents can shell out the equivalent of a mortgage payment for items like candy, games, wrapping paper, Tupperware, microwave […]