(1237 words)Nobody asked me and I’m not sure what I would’ve said, but they went and put a snazzy pool table in the 3rd floor rec room in the Tin Lizzy. It’s just 15 steps from the desk where I spend so much time trying to concentrate so I can maybe earn a living.Its pull […]

 I saw one head peeking out the window — and it was just a quick peek, like if it had lingered for too long it might have drawn gun fire. A Pennsylvania state trooper had pulled over a dilapidated vehicle with a shifty looking motorist and it was all going down in our driveway. This […]

 I’ve been compiling these best-of lists for like 15 years now and no one not once has ever said, man, am I glad you take the time to list all those tweets ’cause I read every one of ’em.But they’re useful to me to have them all in one place.’cause you never know when someone’s […]

 • That I can’t recall ever having spent any quality time at a popsicle stand, yet have blown hundreds of them, leads me to believe I have some serious commitment issues. • The Irish word “bejesus” is a mildly profane expression of surprise and is not to be confused with “Bee Jesus,” the latter referring to […]

 • Men who fantasize about giving themselves oral sex are chasing pipe dream• Engaging a popular search engine just to find out if some former child star or other B-list celebrity is still alive ought to be called, “Ghoul-gling”• When I was a young heathen, I feared my choices meant I’d be going to Hell. […]

 I don’t know if it’s a latent burst of proper manners or just another condition of my condition, but in the last five or so years nothing infuriates me more than a cold rejection of my offers of good cheer.It happens anytime I reach out with simple humanity to a stranger and my gesture is […]

 For clearing house reasons, I find it helpful to adhere to the calendar when posting my tweets of the month.So if you’re a stickler, hold off a day or two befir reading.I was railing against this world of woe to some friends who advised me to embrace the wisdom of the Serenity Prayer — “God, […]

 (590 words)So I was sitting here in my shabby little office the other day thinking about sex. This is a not uncommon scenario. I think about sex a lot.I think about last time I had some. How good it was. And, good or bad (irrelevant) , how soon before I’ll be getting some more.What am I […]

 (717 words)I’m aware of many unfortunates who lament being flat broke. They’re barely getting by,. They live lives of quiet desperation.I envy them. I aspire to being flat broke.I’m a whole different and exotic kind of broke. Mine is a life of shrill desperation.I’ve maxed out my credit cards, bummed what I can from family […]

 Honestly, I don’t even post on Twitter anymore. It’s tainted. But what am I going to call these monthly round-ups? Xs of the Month? Best X ever? The options are fraught. You get the idea. So here are Tweets of the Month! • In the future, weaponry will become so abundant, so accurate and so lethal […]