I saw one head peeking out the window — and it was just a quick peek, like if it had lingered for too long it might have drawn gun fire. A Pennsylvania state trooper had pulled over a dilapidated vehicle with a shifty looking motorist and it was all going down in our driveway. This […]
I’ve been compiling these best-of lists for like 15 years now and no one not once has ever said, man, am I glad you take the time to list all those tweets ’cause I read every one of ’em.But they’re useful to me to have them all in one place.’cause you never know when someone’s […]
• That I can’t recall ever having spent any quality time at a popsicle stand, yet have blown hundreds of them, leads me to believe I have some serious commitment issues. • The Irish word “bejesus” is a mildly profane expression of surprise and is not to be confused with “Bee Jesus,” the latter referring to […]
• Men who fantasize about giving themselves oral sex are chasing pipe dream• Engaging a popular search engine just to find out if some former child star or other B-list celebrity is still alive ought to be called, “Ghoul-gling”• When I was a young heathen, I feared my choices meant I’d be going to Hell. […]
I don’t know if it’s a latent burst of proper manners or just another condition of my condition, but in the last five or so years nothing infuriates me more than a cold rejection of my offers of good cheer.It happens anytime I reach out with simple humanity to a stranger and my gesture is […]
For clearing house reasons, I find it helpful to adhere to the calendar when posting my tweets of the month.So if you’re a stickler, hold off a day or two befir reading.I was railing against this world of woe to some friends who advised me to embrace the wisdom of the Serenity Prayer — “God, […]
(590 words)So I was sitting here in my shabby little office the other day thinking about sex. This is a not uncommon scenario. I think about sex a lot.I think about last time I had some. How good it was. And, good or bad (irrelevant) , how soon before I’ll be getting some more.What am I […]
(717 words)I’m aware of many unfortunates who lament being flat broke. They’re barely getting by,. They live lives of quiet desperation.I envy them. I aspire to being flat broke.I’m a whole different and exotic kind of broke. Mine is a life of shrill desperation.I’ve maxed out my credit cards, bummed what I can from family […]
Honestly, I don’t even post on Twitter anymore. It’s tainted. But what am I going to call these monthly round-ups? Xs of the Month? Best X ever? The options are fraught. You get the idea. So here are Tweets of the Month! • In the future, weaponry will become so abundant, so accurate and so lethal […]
(990 words) This is the week I used to tell the kids one of my favorite wisdoms, one that positively rings with cheer and hopefulness. “Remember, today you could be introduced to someone you’ve never met who is destined to become the best friend you’ll ever have.” It’s true on the first day of school […]
