By Jerry Zezima I used to think that criminal possession of a forged instrument involved stealing a tuba. Now I know what I should have known for the past 40 years: It’s the act of writing a note to an unsuspecting child while pretending to be a fictional character. That’s why, in my latest act […]
By Jerry Zezima Here is today’s trivia challenge: What modern figure was famously described by his wife as “an encyclopedia of useless information”? (a) Albert Einstein, (b) Alex Trebek, (c) Pat Sajak, (d) Jerry Zezima If you guessed (d), you are correct! Unfortunately, you do not win a Caribbean cruise or cash and prizes totaling […]
By Jerry Zezima Between long, daily, reservoir-draining showers to keep myself smelling fresh as a daisy, frequent shaving mishaps that draw enough blood to choke a vampire and so many throne sittings that I could be a member of the royal family, you’d think I would be flush with excitement at the prospect of remodeling […]
By Jerry Zezima Love means never having to say you’re sorry for taking your wife to a diner for your 45th wedding anniversary. So, sparing no expense for my beautiful bride, I took her to a pizza joint instead. I admit that it wasn’t as romantic as returning to Hawaii, where Sue and I honeymooned, […]
By Jerry Zezima On March 30, 2013, a date which will live in infancy, I became a grandfather. I remember that day like it was yesterday, which is amazing since I can’t remember where I put my house key, what I had for lunch or whether I left the bathroom light on. And that was […]
By Jerry Zezima I could never be a herbivore, not just because I don’t like vegetables, even though I am one, but because my name isn’t Herb. But there is a herb living in our house that I fear is about to turn into a carnivore. It is almost 4 feet tall, it stands menacingly […]
By Jerry Zezima Why did the chicken cross the road? To lay an egg in my backyard. That’s the real answer to the age-old question. I know because the other side of the road is on my property, where a sneaky hen left her unhatched offspring and then, probably knowing that my wife, Sue, planned […]
By Jerry Zezima Even at my advanced age (approaching seven decades of decrepitude), I have kept my boyish figure. And I have always been stylish because my wife buys my clothes, which I sometimes stick in a drawer or hang in a closet and promptly forget about, only to discover them months later with the […]
By Jerry Zezima I am not the kind of guy to sweep things under the rug. For one thing, my wife would lower the broom on me if I did. For another, we don’t have too many rugs for me to sweep things under. But it doesn’t matter because I bought a new, lightweight, cordless […]
By Jerry Zezima I’m for the birds. Unfortunately, they’re not for me. That was sadly evident after I took part in the Great Backyard Bird Count, a worldwide annual program in which gullible humans are tasked with counting the birds in their bathrooms. Sorry, I mean their backyards. After four days of looking up, which […]
