By Jerry Zezima I don’t want to toot my own horn — that’s because I can’t play the tuba and tooting is rude, especially at the dinner table — but I have come up with a brilliant way to get rid of all those irritating scammers who call me every day, at all hours, especially […]
By Jerry Zezima I am a human Bigfoot. I am taking the bold step of admitting this for two unsettling reasons: 1. My feet seem to be getting bigger. 2. The most fashionable shoes I own are a brand-new pair of slippers. The alarming increase in the length, width and overall size of my already […]
By Jerry Zezima For a guy who has often been told to take a hike, I am getting nowhere fast. That’s because I have gone back to the gym, after taking a breather for several weeks, only to discover that you need to be a rocket scientist to use the new treadmills. The old machines […]
By Jerry Zezima If there is one thing I don’t want to get off my chest, it’s hair, which is usually ripped out by the roots when I have a medical procedure. What I do want to get off my chest is an aortic aneurysm, which is why I recently had a CAT scan, at […]
By Jerry Zezima When a guy tells incredibly stupid jokes during the day and emits window-rattling snores at night, his wife could not be blamed for telling him to keep his mouth shut. That is why my wife, Sue, was thrilled to hear that a respiratory technician told me the same thing. “Keep your mouth […]
By Jerry Zezima I would say that my wife and I have an open door policy in our house, but it takes us so long to leave the premises that we have to close the door or flies will get in. No matter where we are going, either together or separately, we need a list […]
I don’t get no respect. I joined Gambler’s anonymous. They gave me two to one I don’t make it. Rodney Dangerfield According to statistics, it’s a lot easier to get hit by lighting than to win a Lotto jackpot. The good side: You don’t hear from your relatives. Johnny Carson The reason I don’t gamble […]
By Jerry Zezima When it comes to getting a good night’s sleep, no snooze is bad news. At least it is for my wife, Sue, who claims she is often kept awake by my snoring, which she once said makes me sound — this is a direct quote — “like Mount Vesuvius.” “This means,” I […]
By Jerry Zezima Because I’m a guy who likes to be clean and fresh — my wife would raise a stink if I weren’t — I get burned up by showers that leave me cold. That’s what happened one morning when I took a shower in water so absolutely freezing that it could have sent […]
By Jerry Zezima I am a lightheaded homeowner who knows that a house is not a home unless there is something to do. And there always is. That’s why I want to buy — with the approval of the bank, the federal government and, most important, my wife — a lighthouse. I admit that I […]
