There are times when my culture and my business sense clash

None more so than when it comes to paying for meals and coffees.

Why is this a thing?

As a start-up founder, who also happens to be single, I go for a lot of coffees and meals; either they are as part of business development or on a date [I can assure you both are as enjoyable as each other 🙂].

Either way, I want them to go well so a key consideration is who pays for the coffee or the meal.

The Arab upbringing in me is screaming that I should pay; it would be disrespectful (on so many levels) to let the other person pay — you can not imagine the number of meals I’ve been to with my extended family where I watch people fight over who will pay [usually the eldest person gets the privilege of paying].

The EQ specialist in me screams that to cement the relationship, I should be respectful to the other person and what they would like; i.e. pay if they would like me to pay or allow them to pay or split it if that is their preference.

The business owner in me screams that I should be prudent on my expenses because I do a lot of networking and if I paid for every coffee and meal, the costs would be immense.

Assessing the other person’s preference

It can often be hard to interpret what the other person would like you to do as often many people say one thing but mean another (I certainly find this the case in British culture for example).

Other times, they like to “do the dance” when the bill comes and be seen to offer to pay but not actually pay.

Then there are other times when they don’t even reach for their wallet, or they time their trip to the toilet for just as the bill is arriving so the answer is clear as to their preference.

Particularly in dating (but also in business), as an older guy, it is easy to assume that you ought to pay but it’s clear that attitudes are changing so I no longer assume this — for some people whether they pay or not is also linked to their identity (much like mine) and the connotations that come from paying or not paying (“what am I committed to if I pay?”).

Throw in the added considerations of who invited who; who is the one who needs the other person more (particularly strange in the dating world), who has the more expensive taste, who has the bigger budget, company policies that limit the value of meals/gifts received and more and it really is a minefield.

How do I handle it?

Owing to how often this situation comes up, I have developed an approach to attempt to balance all the three aspects of my personality; it goes as follows:

1. Make it clear before the event whether it is a coffee or a meal that we are going for and if I am offering to pay to flush out their preferences and/or eliminate any doubt [it’s best to be on the same page here]
2. Keep control of deciding the venue, if I am paying [there is nothing worse than the other person picking an expensive place/order and then you fronting the bill]
3. Keep my order to a minimum so whomever pays it’s not a big expense
4. Allow the other person to offer to pay but push back a couple of times about me paying or splitting the bill (without getting into an argument)
5. Never break down a bill into what I had and what they had; I’d much rather suggest I pay this one and you get the next one [at least this creates another reason to see each other]
6. Ultimately take care of the bill without much fuss if there has been no indication from the other person as to wanting to contribute [I often do this when they have gone to the toilet to limit it being a big thing]

What is the result?

I must admit that this approach does result in an overall 60:30:10 ratio when it comes to paying; i.e. I pay 60% of the time, they pay 30% of the time and we split it 10% of the time.

This ratio for my business life is more 50:50 whereas in my dating life it is more 75:15:10.

This is what it is and it’s fascinating to look back each month how much my business development and dating experiences add; if anyone is interested I can happily share with you the ROI figures 😉

Enough about me! How do you handle the thorny question of who should pay?

Faris

Faris is the CEO and Founder of Shiageto Consulting, an innovative consultancy that helps firms and individuals sharpen their effectiveness. Connect with him here

Success = IQ x EQ x FQ

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Originally Published on https://farisaranki.medium.com/

Faris Aranki Strategy & Emotional Intelligence

Having spent over 20 years delivering strategic change for the corporate and non-corporate worlds, Faris has experienced first-hand the fine differences between strategic success and failure.
His work has spanned numerous companies (from global behemoths to small start-ups), in numerous countries, across a range of sectors, supporting them all to unlock strategic success.

He came to realize that often what hinders institutions from achieving their goals goes beyond the quality of their strategy; it is their ability to engage effectively with others at all levels and remove barriers in their way. This has led to his passion for improving strategic effectiveness within all businesses and individuals and the foundation of Shiageto Consulting.

Over time, Faris has worked to distill his knowledge of how to solve complex problems in a structured manner combined with his skill on engaging effectively with others and his ability to quickly determine the barriers to a strategy's success. This knowledge has formed the foundation of Shiageto’s workshops, courses and methodologies. Faris believes that any firm or team can adopt these improvements; all it requires is a little of the right support -something Shiageto provides!

On top of leading our business, Faris is now an accomplished speaker and contributor for a variety of outlets.