Practicing kind communication is essential to maintaining a person’s integrity, reducing Stress levels and promoting general well-being.
“People will forget what you said, what you did, but never forget how you made them feel,” Maya Angelou wisely said. No matter the relationship, successfully communicating wants and desires is hard work. Add cognitive decline into the mix, and the successful exchange of information can become even trickier.
The stakes are high, however, with research showing that maintaining connections is crucial to living healthier and longer. When faced with an Alzheimer’s or dementia diagnosis, practicing effective communication is critical to maintaining a person’s integrity, stress levels and general well-being.
So, understanding the changes in the brain, learning new ways of being with loved ones, and practicing self-care may bring peace that helps improve long-term results.
Memory Matters
Hugh Courtney learned he had Mild Cognitive Impairment and Alzheimer’s in his late 50’s. As the former dean of the business school and professor at Northeastern University’s D’Amore-McKim School of Business in Boston, cognition was central to his work.
“A couple of years ago, I could have a clear conversation with anybody,” says Courtney. “But now there are a lot of fits and starts, getting off track, or forgetting the original question asked.”
Weighing in at approximately three pounds, the brain is a complicated organ responsible for virtually every body function. Unfortunately, the hippocampus, the brain region where learning and memory are stored, is the first to be damaged by Alzheimer’s.
It also helps explain why forgetting recent information is an early and defining sign of the disease. A nearby area is that of the amygdala, or emotional center, which generally is affected later on as an illness progresses.
“This has been a gradual process for me; you don’t forget everything all at once,” Courtney says.
Conveying Messages Requires A Host Of Skills
Whether you’re experiencing dementia or someone you know is, you’ve probably had one or more difficult conversations during the journey. With years of family dynamics, unresolved issues, or the realization that things will not be as they once were, it’s easy to understand how this happens.
“Effective communication requires skill, self-awareness and confidence,” says Alison Wray, professor of language and communication at Cardiff University, UK, and author of “Why Dementia Makes Communication Difficult.”
To achieve the response we most want from someone, we must evaluate the context, including the situation, who we’re speaking to, and what’s happened previously. Hence, the message is appropriate and understood.
Individuals with dementia may have impaired memory or reduced ability to process information. “As a result,” Wray continues, “they may struggle to keep track of all that information. They have one picture of the context, while the unimpaired person has another; a mismatch between the two can lead to confusion, frustration and loss of control,” she says.
It is often in the place of being in-between recall and lapses that can heighten Emotions for people. However, know there is no explanation for what’s remembered at any moment and that forgetting is not intentional.
Create A New Narrative
Here are a few suggestions to help with the story:
“Mom has always been easily agitated and change-adverse,” says Cynthia Farrell, whose mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s at 80. So with an already strained relationship, Farrell found a dementia coach to help her learn new interaction strategies.
“It’s important for mom to maintain control,” Farrell says. For example, she advises others in her situation not to take over activities but to encourage the person to join in, including conversations.
If you are the one living with dementia, try and be vocal in telling those close to you what your preferences are for ongoing communication to support your needs through this process.
Another way to mitigate miscommunication is through empathy. Although it’s challenging to get inside the head of someone living with dementia, you can relate to how they’re feeling.
The same things might not agitate you, but you do know what it feels like to be upset, so answer as you’d like to be responded to. Wray recommends treating challenging communication as a project. “Try things out and just do your best.”
Be A Detective
Moreno suggests investigating what might be the underlying cause. Could it be the environment? Are there distractions to eliminate? Did I say or do something that was upsetting?
Answers to these questions and the practice may help you discern what your loved one is having difficulty expressing. It also helps to be a good listener.
