By Jerry Zezima I could never be a herbivore, not just because I don’t like vegetables, even though I am one, but because my name isn’t Herb. But there is a herb living in our house that I fear is about to turn into a carnivore. It is almost 4 feet tall, it stands menacingly […]
By Jerry Zezima Why did the chicken cross the road? To lay an egg in my backyard. That’s the real answer to the age-old question. I know because the other side of the road is on my property, where a sneaky hen left her unhatched offspring and then, probably knowing that my wife, Sue, planned […]
By Jerry Zezima Even at my advanced age (approaching seven decades of decrepitude), I have kept my boyish figure. And I have always been stylish because my wife buys my clothes, which I sometimes stick in a drawer or hang in a closet and promptly forget about, only to discover them months later with the […]
By Jerry Zezima I am not the kind of guy to sweep things under the rug. For one thing, my wife would lower the broom on me if I did. For another, we don’t have too many rugs for me to sweep things under. But it doesn’t matter because I bought a new, lightweight, cordless […]
By Jerry Zezima I’m for the birds. Unfortunately, they’re not for me. That was sadly evident after I took part in the Great Backyard Bird Count, a worldwide annual program in which gullible humans are tasked with counting the birds in their bathrooms. Sorry, I mean their backyards. After four days of looking up, which […]
By Jerry Zezima At the risk of throwing myself under the bus, which isn’t much of a risk because the bus is stopped, I plead guilty to passing a stopped school bus. I couldn’t believe I had done something so stupid — and I do stupid things all the time — because I don’t text […]
By Jerry Zezima Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the dumbest of them all? The answer was painfully obvious — because I hit my thumb with a hammer — when I tried to hang a mirror on the family room wall. The trouble began when my wife, Sue, brought home a mirror she bought in […]
By Jerry Zezima When I was a kid, I knew all the dinosaurs — not personally, of course, because they were extinct by then and woolly mammoths roamed the earth. But I was a fan of such prehistoric stars as brontosaurus, tyrannosaurus and especially Raquel Welch, who wore a cavewoman bikini in one of my […]
By Jerry Zezima In my hands, which are big and clumsy, tools are dangerous weapons, which is why I generally avoid using saws, hammers, drills and other menacing objects that could slice off a finger, crush a thumb, pummel a palm or otherwise destroy my hands. So imagine my surprise and delight to find out […]
By Jerry Zezima I am not one to make blanket statements, but I will make one now: We have enough blankets in our house to cover the Green Bay Packers. At last count, which entailed going to every room with a calculator (I could have used a pedometer, too), there were 17 blankets scattered about […]
