By Jerry Zezima My mind is in the gutter. It’s also in the kitchen, the bathroom, the garage and all the other places where I have lost my mind in the 25 years since my wife, Sue, and I became homeowners. Now that we have been in our humble abode for a quarter of a […]

By Jerry Zezima I’m probably putting my foot in my mouth for saying this, but Air Jordan, the fabulously successful sneaker line named after former basketball great Michael Jordan, may have to step aside for a new shoe, one named after a guy whose athletic exploits on the playground and the trampoline should be an […]

By Jerry Zezima I have gone to seed. Unfortunately, so has my grass. The problem is that it won’t grow, especially in the front yard, where a giant oak tree throws shade at a lawn I have tried for years to make green and lush. Instead, I recently made myself green (with envy at my […]

By Jerry Zezima When I was in school, I was so bad in art that if I became a painter, I would starve to death because I couldn’t even draw a good salary. But my grandchildren are in school and they are so good in art that their works deserve to be in the Louvre […]

By Jerry Zezima I used to think that criminal possession of a forged instrument involved stealing a tuba. Now I know what I should have known for the past 40 years: It’s the act of writing a note to an unsuspecting child while pretending to be a fictional character. That’s why, in my latest act […]

By Jerry Zezima Here is today’s trivia challenge: What modern figure was famously described by his wife as “an encyclopedia of useless information”? (a) Albert Einstein, (b) Alex Trebek, (c) Pat Sajak, (d) Jerry Zezima If you guessed (d), you are correct! Unfortunately, you do not win a Caribbean cruise or cash and prizes totaling […]

By Jerry Zezima Between long, daily, reservoir-draining showers to keep myself smelling fresh as a daisy, frequent shaving mishaps that draw enough blood to choke a vampire and so many throne sittings that I could be a member of the royal family, you’d think I would be flush with excitement at the prospect of remodeling […]

By Jerry Zezima Love means never having to say you’re sorry for taking your wife to a diner for your 45th wedding anniversary. So, sparing no expense for my beautiful bride, I took her to a pizza joint instead. I admit that it wasn’t as romantic as returning to Hawaii, where Sue and I honeymooned, […]

By Jerry Zezima On March 30, 2013, a date which will live in infancy, I became a grandfather. I remember that day like it was yesterday, which is amazing since I can’t remember where I put my house key, what I had for lunch or whether I left the bathroom light on. And that was […]

By Jerry Zezima I could never be a herbivore, not just because I don’t like vegetables, even though I am one, but because my name isn’t Herb. But there is a herb living in our house that I fear is about to turn into a carnivore. It is almost 4 feet tall, it stands menacingly […]