Leadership influence and impact can be challenging, especially when it comes down to that one on one moment when the other person is in distress. Here are a few thoughts on ways to see better outcomes; what to do and what not to do.
We’ve all been there. A friend texts you about their terrible day. A colleague shares disappointing news. Your partner comes home stressed and defeated. You want to help, to say something meaningful, to make them feel better. But instead of comfort, your well-intentioned words seem to fall flat—or worse, they seem to make things worse.
The truth is, being genuinely supportive is trickier than it looks. Despite our best intentions, many of us default to responses that accidentally center ourselves, minimize others’ feelings, or come across as tone-deaf. The good news? Once you understand the common pitfalls, you can learn to respond in ways that actually help.
Here’s what most people don’t realize: when someone shares their struggles with you, they’re usually not looking for you to fix their problem or change their perspective. What they want most is simply to be understood. They want to feel heard, validated, and less alone in their experience.
Think of it like this: imagine you’re carrying a heavy backpack on a long hike. You don’t need someone to tell you the backpack isn’t that heavy, or that other hikers have heavier loads, or that you should have packed differently. What you need is someone to acknowledge that yes, that backpack is heavy, and yes, this hike is challenging. Sometimes, just having someone recognize your reality is enough to help you keep going.
Let’s look at the most common ways our supportive intentions go sideways:
This happens when we try to show empathy by making the conversation about our own similar experience. It sounds like: “I know exactly how you feel! The same thing happened to me when…” or “Your boss sounds just like mine. Let me tell you what happened to me…”
While sharing similar experiences can sometimes help people feel less alone, timing is everything. When someone is in the middle of processing their own Emotions, shifting the focus to your story can feel dismissive—like you’re not really listening to them.
We think we’re helping someone gain perspective when we say things like “At least it’s not as bad as what Sarah is going through” or “If you think that’s tough, wait until you hear about my friend’s situation.”
The problem with comparisons is that they suggest the person’s feelings aren’t valid because someone else has it worse. It’s like telling someone with a broken arm that they shouldn’t complain because other people have broken legs. Pain isn’t a competition, and everyone’s struggles deserve acknowledgment.
When we’re uncomfortable with someone else’s distress, we often try to shrink the problem down to a manageable size. We say things like “You’ll forget about this in no time” or “It’s really not that big a deal.”
While we mean to be reassuring, minimizing someone’s experience sends the message that their feelings are overblown or unreasonable. It can make them feel foolish for being upset in the first place.
On the flip side, sometimes we accidentally amplify someone’s distress by responding with shock or horror. “This is absolutely terrible!” or “I can’t imagine how you’ll get through this—it would destroy me!”
This kind of response, while showing we care, can actually increase someone’s Anxiety about their situation. Instead of feeling supported, they might start worrying that their problem is even worse than they thought.
Sometimes our discomfort with someone’s situation leads us to assign blame or responsibility. We say things like “Well, that’s what happens when you…” or “They should have been more careful.”
Even when there might be some truth to these observations, this isn’t the moment for analysis or lessons learned. When someone is hurting, judgment feels like salt in the wound.
In an attempt to make someone feel better, we sometimes try to absolve them of all responsibility. “Don’t feel bad—everyone makes mistakes like that” or “It’s not your fault; I’m sure it was your teammate’s doing.”
While we mean to be kind, this approach can feel patronizing and prevent the person from processing their experience honestly. Sometimes people need to acknowledge their role in a situation as part of moving forward.
So what should you say instead? Here are approaches that actually provide the support people are looking for:
The most powerful thing you can do is simply acknowledge what someone is going through. “That sounds really frustrating” or “I can see why you’re upset about this” validates their experience without trying to change it.
The magic phrase here is often: “That sounds [hard/frustrating/disappointing/overwhelming].” You’re not trying to solve anything or shift their perspective—you’re just confirming that their feelings make sense.
When someone experiences a loss—whether it’s a death, a job, a relationship, or even a missed opportunity—simple, heartfelt acknowledgment is often best. “I’m sorry for your loss” or “I’m sorry this happened” doesn’t try to do too much. It just recognizes that something difficult has occurred.
Sometimes a simple expression of hope can be incredibly meaningful. “I hope things get better soon” or “I’m rooting for you” shows that you’re on their side without trying to minimize their current struggle.
The key to good encouragement is focusing on the person’s strengths or past resilience rather than telling them what to do. “I’ve seen you handle tough situations before, and I know you’ll figure this out too” acknowledges their capability without pressuring them to feel better immediately.
Notice the difference between this and saying “You should…” or “Have you tried…?” The first approach trusts their ability to navigate their situation; the second implies they haven’t thought of obvious solutions.
When you’ve contributed to someone’s Stress or disappointment, a genuine apology focuses on their experience, not your intentions. “I’m sorry my delay affected your project” is much more helpful than “I’m sorry, but I was really overwhelmed and…”
Good apologies acknowledge the impact of your actions and, when appropriate, offer to help make things better.
Here’s something that might surprise you: sometimes the best response is admitting you don’t have one. “I’m sorry this is happening. I don’t know what to say” can be far more supportive than fumbling for the perfect words.
This honesty shows that you recognize the weight of their situation. It’s humble and authentic, and it keeps the focus where it belongs—on them and their experience.
Being truly supportive isn’t about having the perfect words or the right solution. It’s about creating space for someone else’s experience without immediately trying to change it, fix it, or relate it back to yourself.
The next time someone shares something difficult with you, try this simple approach: listen first, acknowledge what you’re hearing, and then—only if it feels right—offer your support or ask how you can help.
Remember, you don’t need to take away someone’s pain to be helpful. Sometimes the most supportive thing you can do is simply witness it and let them know they’re not alone. In a world that often rushes to fix, judge, or move on, the gift of being truly heard is more valuable than you might think.
Your Relationships will be stronger, your conversations more meaningful, and your support more genuinely helpful when you master this simple but powerful skill. And the best part? It gets easier with practice.
Your reputation as a leader happens in small moments, not big events. Many of these moments are when another person is stuck, frustrated, or falling behind. Shaping your responses to achieve greater impact involves connecting with that person, right where they are.
The post How to Actually Be Supportive: The Words That Help (and Hurt) appeared first on Business Advisor and Executive Coach | Doug Thorpe.
