Have you ever walked out of a meeting and wondered, “Why did I just agree to that impossible deadline?” Or found yourself micromanaging a team member even though you swore you’d give them more space? Maybe you’ve caught yourself apologizing for the third time in a conversation where you did nothing wrong.
Welcome to the world of old scripts—those automatic responses that hijack our best intentions and undermine our leadership effectiveness.
As licensed professional counselor Wiley Parkman explains, “It often doesn’t feel like a decision. One moment you’re living your life, and the next you’re reacting in a way that feels oddly familiar—overexplaining, shutting down, getting defensive, people-pleasing, numbing out, or assuming the worst.”
Think of old scripts like the default settings on your phone—they run in the background until something triggers them into action. These scripts are internal storylines about who we are, what we’re capable of, and how the world works. They sound like absolute truths:
According to Parkman, “An old script is a well-worn internal storyline about who you are, what others will do, and how the world works. It runs quietly in the background and tends to sound absolute.”
For leaders, these scripts don’t just affect personal well-being—they shape entire team dynamics, organizational culture, and business outcomes. The executive who can’t delegate because their script says “If I don’t stay on top of things, everything will fall apart” creates bottlenecks and stifles team Growth. The manager whose script whispers “My needs are a burden” burns out because they never ask for support.
Here’s where it gets interesting—and a bit vulnerable. These leadership scripts often have nothing to do with leadership training or business school. They’re formed much earlier, in the crucible of childhood experiences.
Parkman explains that core beliefs form at the intersection of three elements:
Consider Sarah, now a successful VP of Operations. As a child, she was the responsible older sister who kept things running smoothly when her parents worked long hours. She learned that being needed meant being valued. Fast forward 30 years, and Sarah can’t seem to develop her team because she unconsciously believes that not being needed means not being valuable.
Or take Marcus, a talented director who grew up in a household where mistakes led to harsh criticism. His childhood script—”mistakes are dangerous”—now manifests as perfectionism that slows decision-making and creates a fear-based team culture.
You might think, “But I’ve been to leadership seminars! I’ve read all the books! I know better!” And you’re right—you do know better. But as Parkman points out, “Core beliefs don’t disappear just because we understand them. They live not only in thoughts, but in the nervous system and emotional memory.”
Think of it like muscle memory. A professional tennis player might decide to change their serve, but under pressure, their body often reverts to the old pattern. Similarly, our emotional and behavioral patterns have a kind of muscle memory that kicks in when we’re:
This isn’t a leadership failure—it’s human neurology. Our brains are wired to default to familiar patterns when stressed, even if those patterns no longer serve us.
Here’s the liberating truth that every leader needs to hear: “Growth doesn’t mean you never fall into an old script again,” Parkman writes. Instead, growth means:
Imagine you’re in a team meeting, and someone challenges your idea. Your old script (“being questioned means I’m incompetent”) starts to activate. In the past, you might have gotten defensive or shut down the discussion. But with awareness, you notice the familiar tightness in your chest, the urge to justify. You take a breath and think, “Ah, there’s that old script again.”
This pause—this moment of recognition—is where leadership transformation happens. Instead of reacting from the script, you can choose a response aligned with your values and goals.
Parkman emphasizes a crucial point: “Core beliefs are formed in relationship, and therefore must be worked through via relational processes.” For leaders, this means that changing our scripts isn’t a solo journey—it happens through intentional connections and new experiences.
This might look like:
The goal isn’t positive thinking or affirmations (sorry, Stuart Smalley). It’s about gradually collecting evidence that challenges the old script. Every time you delegate successfully, ask for help without judgment, or navigate conflict constructively, you’re writing a new story.
When you notice an old script activating, Parkman suggests this gentle reframe: “Something familiar just got activated. That makes sense. I don’t have to resolve this perfectly right now.”
For leaders, this might translate to:
The most effective leaders understand a fundamental truth: you can’t lead others further than you’ve led yourself. Self-leadership—the practice of understanding and guiding your own thoughts, Emotions, and behaviors—is the foundation for everything else.
When you understand your own scripts, you:
As Parkman beautifully concludes, “Old scripts were written to help you survive. They don’t have to be the final draft.”
Every leader carries scripts—it’s part of being human. The question isn’t whether you have them, but whether you’re aware of them. Are they running you, or are you working with them consciously?
Start where you are. Notice your patterns with curiosity, not criticism. Remember that every script served a purpose once—honor that, even as you choose something different now.
Your leadership journey isn’t about becoming perfect. It’s about becoming aware, staying curious, and choosing responses that align with who you’re becoming, not who you once had to be to survive.
Because here’s the truth: the stories that got you here might not be the stories that take you where you want to go. And that’s okay. You’re the author now, and you can write a new script—one conscious choice at a time.
Remember, as Parkman reminds us, “Awareness without urgency creates space. And space is where new meaning can form.” Give yourself that space. Your future self—and everyone you lead—will thank you.
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