(590 words)So I was sitting here in my shabby little office the other day thinking about sex. This is a not uncommon scenario. I think about sex a lot.I think about last time I had some. How good it was. And, good or bad (irrelevant) , how soon before I’ll be getting some more.What am I […]
(717 words)I’m aware of many unfortunates who lament being flat broke. They’re barely getting by,. They live lives of quiet desperation.I envy them. I aspire to being flat broke.I’m a whole different and exotic kind of broke. Mine is a life of shrill desperation.I’ve maxed out my credit cards, bummed what I can from family […]
Honestly, I don’t even post on Twitter anymore. It’s tainted. But what am I going to call these monthly round-ups? Xs of the Month? Best X ever? The options are fraught. You get the idea. So here are Tweets of the Month! • In the future, weaponry will become so abundant, so accurate and so lethal […]
(990 words) This is the week I used to tell the kids one of my favorite wisdoms, one that positively rings with cheer and hopefulness. “Remember, today you could be introduced to someone you’ve never met who is destined to become the best friend you’ll ever have.” It’s true on the first day of school […]
I did something this week I swore I’d never do, something I’ve viciously mocked others for doing.I contacted a tattoo parlor about getting some ink.We’ll get into all of that but first I need to wrestle with why it was a parlor.The venerable Oxford English Dictionary says parlor (they spell it, parlour, the Limeys) is […]
(657 words) One if the most satisfying aspects of spending so much time staring out the window is being the recipient of radom genius thoughts. It’s a sort of brain lightning. You see solutions to problems that have for years bedeviled your fellow man. Problems like way too many firetrucks. That’s just the way my brain […]
My friend Scott Levin told he thinks this the funniest line I’ve ever written … “If most men are being honest — a big “if” — we’d admit to seeing a lot of ourselves in Ken while aspiring to see just a little of ourselves in Barbie.” Is he correct? Do you recall a better […]
(671 words) I’m so resigned to the cruel realities of male pattern baldness that when my daughter said my hair looked nice, I said, “Which one?” So normally I lack the impetus — not to mention the hair — to write about my coif But after what happened to me at the Ye Olde Barber […]
• As a proponent of “make everyday something festive,” I was a pioneer promoter for “Christmas in July” (and August, and September and etc …). Today I told my daughter to quit the summer job, drop out of school and devote her every waking moment to composing 12 Juneteenth in July carols that’ll really capture […]
(648 words)I blame my years as a young newspaper reporter for why I spend so much time thinking about untimely death.Back then it was a near daily smorgasbord of reporting on the often violent expirations of hapless Tennesseans. They’d accidentally steer jalopies off cliffs, stumble into the rusty wood chipper, and drunkenly fail to exit […]
