(508 words)With an eeriness I doubt I’ll ever shake, I’d been obsessed with the Simon & Garfunkel 1970 classic “Bridge Over Troubled Water” since at least five days before a Baltimore bridge became fatally troubled by what was happening upon waters it was built to bridge. I’ve tried in vain to find a way to cajole […]

  I woke up the other day with a wild hair up my ass that went clear to my brain and now the wild one is about the only hair I have left.I shaved my head and now I’m bald as a baby, albeit a baby with chest hair and pubes.It’s not uncommon for empathic souls […]

 I’d like to grant doctors the power to evaluate patients so that we’d hear more diagnoses like: “Well, the good news is the  operation was a success. You’re going to be fine. The bad news is unless you cut back on the volume and partisan stridency of all your non-stop political talk, everyone’s gonna think […]

 (1237 words)Nobody asked me and I’m not sure what I would’ve said, but they went and put a snazzy pool table in the 3rd floor rec room in the Tin Lizzy. It’s just 15 steps from the desk where I spend so much time trying to concentrate so I can maybe earn a living.Its pull […]

 I saw one head peeking out the window — and it was just a quick peek, like if it had lingered for too long it might have drawn gun fire. A Pennsylvania state trooper had pulled over a dilapidated vehicle with a shifty looking motorist and it was all going down in our driveway. This […]

 I’ve been compiling these best-of lists for like 15 years now and no one not once has ever said, man, am I glad you take the time to list all those tweets ’cause I read every one of ’em.But they’re useful to me to have them all in one place.’cause you never know when someone’s […]

 • That I can’t recall ever having spent any quality time at a popsicle stand, yet have blown hundreds of them, leads me to believe I have some serious commitment issues. • The Irish word “bejesus” is a mildly profane expression of surprise and is not to be confused with “Bee Jesus,” the latter referring to […]

 • Men who fantasize about giving themselves oral sex are chasing pipe dream• Engaging a popular search engine just to find out if some former child star or other B-list celebrity is still alive ought to be called, “Ghoul-gling”• When I was a young heathen, I feared my choices meant I’d be going to Hell. […]

 I don’t know if it’s a latent burst of proper manners or just another condition of my condition, but in the last five or so years nothing infuriates me more than a cold rejection of my offers of good cheer.It happens anytime I reach out with simple humanity to a stranger and my gesture is […]

 For clearing house reasons, I find it helpful to adhere to the calendar when posting my tweets of the month.So if you’re a stickler, hold off a day or two befir reading.I was railing against this world of woe to some friends who advised me to embrace the wisdom of the Serenity Prayer — “God, […]