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Posts Tagged With ‘ attitude off beat humour ’

 
Time for some humour.
July 18th, 2023

 I hate being patronized. By the way, patronized means they speak with a sense of superority. I love it when people talk down to me. It makes me feel so much better about myself. My boss always talks to me like I’m a child. I think he forgets that I’m an adult and not his four-year-old daughter. My friend was trying to explain something to me yesterday and I was having a hard time understanding. He said, “It’s okay, I’ll dumb it down for you.” I didn’t know it was possible for something to be both patronizing and insulting at the same time. Whenever I’m... Continue Reading

July 18th, 2023
The new golf shoes
July 14th, 2023

Thanks to Aubrey for this gem. Bert, at 85 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples, so, seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them. He was so delighted with his purchase, he decided to wear them home to show the missus. Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?” Margaret at age 83 looked him over and replied, “Nope.” Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new... Continue Reading

July 14th, 2023
This Old Lady Adheres to Road Signs
July 5th, 2023

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So, he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back – eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?” “Ma’am,” the... Continue Reading

July 5th, 2023
Swiftest Dad
June 18th, 2023

Here are three jokes with the same lead line, Happy Father’s Day to all the fastest dads out there. Three youngsters were in a spirited debate to determine who had the swiftest dad. The first kid boasted, “My dad can run a mile in just four minutes!” The second kid countered, “Well, my dad can run a mile in three minutes flat!” The third kid, feeling left out, thought for a moment and then exclaimed, “Wow, my dad doesn’t have to run at all – he just drives his car to the end of the mile and back in five minutes!” Three youngsters were in the midst... Continue Reading

June 18th, 2023
Hearing aid feedback
May 21st, 2023

Well, I like to think I’m a responsible homeowner. I mean, I’ve got all these fancy appliances with alarms on them to keep my family safe and sound. But apparently, my trust in technology might have been a tad misplaced. The other morning, my family and I were all jolted awake by this high-pitched squealing. We scrambled around the kitchen, investigating first the alarm sounded like it was coming from the fridge, so we made sure the doors were closed. Then the sound came from the dishwasher, so we checked it. Then it sounds like it was coming from the carbon dioxide detector, so we unplugged... Continue Reading

May 21st, 2023
Did you ever have to change a password?
May 20th, 2023

 I recently had an issue changing my password on one of my devices. The episode brought to mind this old but relevant post I saw a few years back. WINDOWS: Please enter your new password. USER: cabbage WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters. USER: boiled cabbage WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character. USER: 1 boiled cabbage WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces. USER: 50frickingboiledcabbages WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one uppercase character. USER: 50FRiCKINGboiledcabbages WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot... Continue Reading

May 20th, 2023
Do you play Mind games?
May 19th, 2023

My friend Larry loves Sudoku and plays it, he says every day. I hate the game but each to his own. The reason Larry loves Sudoku is because he is worried about his mental health. Are you worried about your mental sharpness declining faster than your retirement savings, like my friend Larry? Fear not, because retirement communities and companies have got you covered with brain fitness exercises, games, and classes. They promise to keep your memory intact, improve your attention span, and make you more productive than a squirrel on caffeine. Apparently, these brain games are all the rage. In fact,... Continue Reading

May 19th, 2023
Transitions can be fun
May 17th, 2023

“Why did the middle-aged man switch to reading glasses? Because he wanted to see his future more clearly.” “Why did the old man start knitting? He wanted to unravel the mysteries of aging.” “What do you call an old man who’s lost his sense of direction? A senior moment navigator.” “Why did the middle-aged man start eating more vegetables? He wanted to grow old healthily.” “What do you call a group of middle-aged men discussing their retirement plans? A pension party.” “Why did the old man buy a rocking chair? He wanted to rock... Continue Reading

May 17th, 2023
A thought for Easter sunday
April 9th, 2023

I am not religious, and neither is my wife. We raised our children to be skeptical of religious beliefs and question religious dogma and make up their own minds and not rely on ancient texts to guide them. And speaking of ancient texts, did you know there are over 4,000 recognized religions in the world? That’s like trying to choose from a menu with way too many options. It’s no wonder three-quarters of the world’s population sticks to the big five: Judaism, Christianity, Islam, Hinduism, and Buddhism. It’s like they’re the Beyonces of the religion world – they’ve... Continue Reading

April 9th, 2023
Do you play bridge?
April 1st, 2023

 A cleaning woman was applying for a new position. When asked why she left her last employment, she replied, “Yes sir, they paid good wages, but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked. They played a game called Bridge, and last night lots of folks were there. As I was about to bring in the refreshments, I heard a man say “Lay down and let’s see what you’ve got.” Another man said, “I’ve got strength but no length.” Another man said to a lady, “Take your hand off my trick.” I pretty near dropped dead just then when the lady answered, “You jumped me twice when you didn’t... Continue Reading

April 1st, 2023