I love reading spam emails for the same reason I love watching bad movies. They always make me wonder: Who wrote them? Did they actually make sense to whomever wrote them? Did the people who wrote them have any questions about them? Who released them? Did they actually make sense to the people who released them? Did the people who released them have any questions about them?

Case in point: An email recently got through my spam filter. It was promoting the Airwheel, a combination carry-on suitcase, and suitcase, and powered scooter. As I was reading it and scratching my head, it occurred to me I don’t use the word, parse, anywhere near enough, nor do I parse things frequently enough. So, as a public service, I’m going to parse the Airwheel email.

First, here’s the text of the email, in its entirety:

They Have Some ‘Splainin’ to Do

It’s entirely possible I overread. But in my own defense, I strongly suspect someone has to. In any event, here are the things that occurred to me:

1. A pioneering brand in the travel tech industry? Prior to receiving the email, I’d have unimaginatively assumed the travel tech industry comprised planes, helicopters, cars, buses, motorcycles, and — depending on how big they might get — drones.
2. Electric luggage series. Uh oh. There’s more than one of these things?
3. The Airwheel SE3T model stands out for its unique blend of functionality and fun. Unique is not a word I throw around lightly. This must be something really special.
4. Weighing only 6.8 kg. Hang on. Since 6.8 kg is roughly 15 pounds — and since I presume that means it weighs 15 pounds empty — I don’t see your average senior citizen tossing the Airwheel SE3T up into overhead compartments with ease or alacrity.
5. Smart luggage? Does it pack and carry itself using Artificial Intelligence? Does it know the date and time? Can it calculate mathematical equations? Does it have Grammarly built in?
6. Designed for comfort and convenience. See #4.
7. Over 600 patents, including more than half being invention patents. I’m guessing the non-invention patents were for methods by which seniors can get them into overhead compartments.
8. Set a new standard in the industry. What was the old one?
9. Perfectly fit the airline’s 20-inch check-in requirements, allowing you to easily transport it without checking. This may be the only thing that makes sense to me. But if it fits the check-in requirements, why mention checking at all?
10. Boasting a strong power system. Stronger than what — the seniors who can’t toss them into overhead compartments?
11. Imagine gliding through airport terminals, city streets, or hotel lobbies at speeds of up to 13 km/h (8 mph). I can’t.
12. The SE3T model offers an effortless riding experience with one-touch fold-out and stop functionality. I’d like to see a demo of the fold-out and stop functionality. Does it fold out gently before it stops? Does it snap open abruptly and slam on the brakes? Will the senior citizens who can’t toss them into overhead compartments get caught in the fold-out hinges or fly over the handle during quick stops? Should they wear seat belts?

Recreational Activities

I get the feeling the folks who created the Airwheel line have too much time on their hands. Perhaps they could use a hobby. Philately went out of fashion when we started having to mortgage the price of postage. Maybe kite-flying would be good. It’s related in some sense to the travel tech industry, but no one’s likely to get hurt from it.

In any case, if I have to do any traveling that requires me to pack anything smaller than a steamer trunk, I’ll use a backpack. It doesn’t have one-touch fold-out and stop functionality.

Thank God.

Originally Published on https://www.bizcatalyst360.com/category/lifecolumns/notes-to-self/

Mark O'Brien Writer, Blogger

I'm the founder and principal of O'Brien Communications Group (obriencg.com) and the co-founder and President of EinSource (einsource.com). I'm a lifelong writer. My wife, Anne, and I have two married sons and four grandchildren. I'm having the time of my life.