The Intersection of Arousal, Shame, and the Fear of Trans People
Over the past few years we have gotten a chance to learn about the psychological concept of projection. In fact, the term projection is no longer adequate to capture the climax of intolerance that has been unleashed from the collective shadow.
We cannot get away from projection. We all do it. It's how we relate and become aware of ourselves. The problem is a lack of consciousness of this fact. The moment you think you're not projecting, you've just confessed that you're doing it. If you don't think you project, just ask your friends and family to identify what you're projecting onto them.
It's like those obnoxious spiritual people who proudly proclaim that they're enlightened; they're just admitting they're not. An enlightened person, Jesus or Buddha, for example, is humble enough to realize there is no ultimate state of enlightenment, only the effort and journey to become enlightened.
What gets projected is a version of what one cannot face in themselves. If you pay attention, you will notice that those who are most vigilent in their judgment of a marginalized group often eventually are exposed for the very behavior they hate in others. Those who are most judgmental of others are deeply fearful of not conforming to some self-imposed standard they can't escape. The people they judge mirror back their own inadequacy.
This is the accidental power that the Other has over deeply insecure and unconscious people, and what people fear they want to control.
The most potent example of our time is the projection of one's own self-hatred onto trans people. Emotionally healthy people are not concerned about the way other people live unless those people are committing violent acts against others of course. The scapegoating of others is a confession about one's own deep inadequacy. At the same time, there is a fascination with trans people because they are brave enough to weather the hatred to save their souls. Those who hate them hate their own weakness to stand up to their inner father or authority figure. This is the patriarchal wound that especially men suffer.
But what is the deeper meaning of the hatred for trans people in particular? Trans people are the new Other, which is interesting because they make up such a tiny part of the population. Also, trans people have always existed in cultures and societies around the world. What is different today? The question to ask is why certain people fear such a tiny number of people who literally have no power over them.
Liberation and Wholeness
What is it that trans people symbolize that so frightens some people?
Trans people symbolize the fluidity of the masculine and feminine, which are archetypal energies that cannot be constrained by limiting ideas. The archetypal energies of the masculine and feminine have mistakenly been attached to all sorts of limiting ideas. Masculine and feminine are NOT the same as male and female nor man and woman, and yet trapping these energies in limiting concepts has caused a lot of suffering.
Science has confirmed that many life forms can reproduce on their own, and there are species of fish who change their sex at Midlife. “Biologically, there is no simple dichotomy between female and male,” says AgustĂn Fuentes, a professor of anthropology at Princeton University (The Scientist, May 2022, https://www.the-scientist.com/biological-science-rejects-the-sex-binary-and-that-s-good-for-humanity-70008). “In fact, of the 140 million babies born last year, at least 280,000 did not fit into a clear penis versus labia model of sex determination.” Yet, a choice was made for these babies that set in motion the expectations they were to meet whether they were correct or not.
Those that fear the liberation of masculine and feminine from these stagnant conventional ideas are also intrigued and even aroused by images of trans people and trans porn, which can lead to more self-hatred projected onto others or internalized as shame. One thing I find particularly interesting is the arousal some experience when viewing a trans person who has breasts and a penis.
One of my heterosexual male clients came to me to relieve anxiety that was caused by suppressing his desire to “be a girl” from time to time. During our sessions all he wanted was for me to hold a safe space for him to dress in women's clothes and have some “girl talk.” I would tell him I wasn't very good at girl talk, but an hour of being able to express this part of him relieved his anxiety for up to two weeks. After one of our sessions, he sent me a drawing of his fantasy of being a “woman” getting an annual exam by a doctor who was a small petite Asian trans woman with a penis. The perspective of the drawing was my client, legs in the stirrups, looking through his legs at the doctor.
The deeper meaning of the fantasy seemed to be a desire to feel safe while being vulnerable. For him to be aroused by gazing at the Image of the doctor with male and female sex organs made perfect sense to me. He was gazing at a symbol of wholeness, or reconciliation of a deep inner conflict between his masculine and feminine. My client is not alone. There are many men suffering from not having a framework nor a safe space to explore the symbolic meaning of their urges.
This ultimate wholeness is the coming reconciliation of the inner masculine and feminine on a collective level. In Greek Mythology, Hermaphrodite was the child of Aphrodite (The Greek goddess of love) and Hermes (the Greek god known as the guide of souls, the messenger, and Trickster).
“According to some, he was once a handsome youth who attracted the love of a Naiad nymph Salmakis (Salmacis). She prayed to to be united with him forever and the gods, answering her prayer, merged their two forms into one. At the same time her spring acquired the property of making men who bathed in its waters soft and effeminate. Hermaphroditos was depicted as a winged youth with both male and female features–usually female thighs, breasts, and style of hair, and male genitalia.” (https://www.theoi.com/Ouranios/ErosHermaphroditos.html)
Redefining What It Means to Be Strong
We have a difficult relationship with pleasure, and rigid interpretations of Christianity have caused people to turn against themselves in an effort to keep control over themselves and others. Liberated people are dangerous to those who seek to oppress them. The one-sided masculine of patriarchy which was solidified by rigid interpretations of Christianity for example has manifested as many exploitive systems which are currently being challenged and even being dismantled (e.g., capitalism without guardrails, exploitation of natural resources, etc.).
I know that the handful of my clients that are suffering through their own inner conflict between their authenticity and staying safe in a dangerous world are the tip of the iceberg. There is deeper meaning to both the growing number of people who refuse to categorize themselves as a specific gender or sexual orientation and the backlash against them.
Something new is trying to break free from the collective unconscious to expand consciousness, which is always about love. But people who have not developed their own inner moral authority are no match for the transformative process by which archetypal energies break free from stagnant ideas and bring about paradigm shifts.
Today, fearful people who cling to old stagnant ideas, evening wanting to impose them onto others, are playing their proper role in prompting the eventual leap in consciousness. It's quite predictable in fact. Resisting them or defending your beliefs is not an effective way to contribute to the coming expansion of consciousness. Becoming more conscious of what's in your own unconscious and taking back your own projections are key to being able to see the truth of the situation in front of you and respond effectively instead of react emotionally.
We need to be clear headed about this.
Back to what trans people symbolize. Trans people symbolize liberation from other people's ideas about who they are. About five years back, when my son was in high school, he said something that was difficult for me to grasp at the time. “Mom, if men felt free to walk down the street wearing a dress or just be who they wanted to be,” maybe some wouldn't feel the need to change their biology.” At the time, I thought my son was being intolerant, but he was so right. I can't imagine what it would feel like to be in the wrong body, but at the same time how many people who see changing their body as the answer might not if they were allowed to simply be who they wanted to be?
The patriarchal wound that men carry is as sinister as that carried by women. Women's wound is more obvious and healing it is more straightfoward. It manifests as a deep fear of being murdered, that fear contributing to women granting permission to be oppressed by other people's ideas of what it means to be a woman. The healing of women's patriarchal wound happens by fighting back and taking up space.
Men's patriarchal wound manifests as fear of vulnerability, which is reinforced by other men's projections onto them of what it means to be a man. Men are more effective than women at emasculating other men and keeping them in their place. In fact, research shows that men overestimate the sexist attitudes of other men, which means they hold back their beliefs in equality out of fear of being emasculated by the men around them. Healing this wound is more challenging because men must redefine what it means to be strong, namely being vulnerable enough to form deep connections with other humans. Those men who feel the need to proclaim their masculinity do so to convince themselves that they are not weak, which only reveals their deep sense of inferiority.
There are many men in the shadows today who feel tortured by what arouses them. They feel comforted when I suggest that what is arousing to them is not necessarily the literal Image but what it symbolizes for them. As they explore their inner world, eventually they come to understand how to reconcile the conflict between their inner masculine and feminine. This healing contributes to their showing up in the world in a new way, modeling real strength to overcome the fear of vulnerability. The initial fear about what their urges and arousal meant ends up resolving itself in surprising ways.
More On Healing the Inner Masculine and Feminine
This is one of my favorite topics! The reconciliation of of inner masculine and feminine is the foundation of feeling whole and integrated, and of course that would be arousing. A depth psychology framework can help you discover the deeper meaning of your experience of arousal, shame and the intersection of the two. Those fantasies and urges don't mean what you think they do. Sometimes there is a literal aspect, but in all cases, there's a deeper symbolic meaning, and when you uncover it, you can find the metaphor in your literal waking life. Gaining these insights can bring great relief and healing.
Here are a few blog posts and podcast episodes that explore this topic more.
Listen to me read Chapter 5 from my book (The Forces that Shape You, Your Soul is Talking. Are You Listening?
Blog post: Men Are Not the Enemy.
Blog post: Sex, God & Transcending Patriarchy.
Blog post: What Does it Mean When a Penis Shows Up In Your Dream?
Blog post: When is Sexual Attraction NOT About Sex?
Listen to me read Chapter 15 from my book: Fantasies and Memories.
Dose of Depth episode: Healing the Gender Wound, a Conversation w/the founders of Gender Equity & Reconciliation International.
Dose of Depth episode: Men's Patriarchal Wound, a Conversation with Psychotherapist William Diplock.
Purchase my short story ($2.99) The Fantasy, which was written after being tortured by a a fantasy of reconnecting with a man.
Thanks for being a self-reflecting human!
Dr. Deborah
Originally Published on https://www.deborahlukovich.com/blog/
