This was my personal journey…
I was in my early 30s, updating my CV.
Another conference presentation. Another line added under “Publications and Presentations.”
I should have felt proud, but instead I felt empty.
I remember asking myself, “Did any of this actually matter?”
I knew it mattered professionally. Publications and presentations were vitally important to my career. I had co-authored a book, secured several grants, and presented several times a year at conferences. On paper, I was doing exactly what I was supposed to do.
But as I added that presentation to my CV, I wondered if any of it really mattered in the grand scheme of life.
It felt like I was checking boxes. Going through the motions.
Subscribe now
At the time, I thought something was wrong with me. I had the external markers of success, but there was a nagging feeling in the back of my mind that would not fully go away.
So I moved on. I kept at it.
Eight years went by like a flash.
By 40, I wanted to do work that mattered to me. By then, I had two children, and I felt like I needed to do more with my life. More than pad a CV. More than add another line to a list of accomplishments.
Developmentally, I was right on time.
Midlife Brings the Questions ForwardWe are built to ask these questions when we hit midlife.
They can happen at any time, but most often they begin to surface between 40 and 65. Emotionally, midlife can feel like a pause. The questions that once lived quietly in the background move to the foreground.
Some common triggers are:
Career milestones have been achieved
Family roles are established
External checklists are completed
The next “obvious” goal is less clear
Midlife forces us to ask, “Do I matter?”
Part of this is because many of us are raised on what I think of as a “checklist life.” Childhood and early adulthood are externally structured. Society gives us milestones to pursue:
Career
Financial success
These goals can be important and meaningful. But by midlife, the external direction often decreases, and we begin to seek internal direction.
Meaning.
When Success Does Not Feel Like EnoughThis is the surprising part.
The very things that should feel grounding can leave us with uncertainty. A feeling that something is missing. A question about whether what we have accomplished was enough.
Just as we are expecting decline, pulling out our reading glasses and noticing the physical changes of midlife, we also begin to center on the bigger picture of life.
We become more generative.
We want to contribute to others through things like mentoring, Volunteering, Philanthropy, and care for future generations. We want to leave an emotional impact.
Something that says we mattered in the world.
That we changed a life.
That we added something to the bettering of the world.
The Psychology of ImpactPeople often experience Anxiety when external validation fades and self-defined meaning becomes necessary.
In midlife, we enter the emotional developmental stage Erik Erikson called generativity. In this stage, individuals feel the need to give back in non-transactional ways.
They are not looking for another box to check. They are not necessarily looking for another title.
They are trying to answer the question, “Do I matter?”
Giving back helps us feel that our footprint is deeper than it was before. It helps us feel that we make a difference in the world and in the lives of others.
Many people in midlife experience a kind of insight. They step away from their checklists and begin to see the world through a different lens. They allow themselves to feel part of something larger than themselves.
That insight can move us toward meaningful activities, deeper relationships, and a more authentic way of living.
Midlife Is Not a Crisis. It Is a Developmental Transition.Contrary to popular belief, midlife questioning is psychologically normative.
Midlife is often when we finally have the bandwidth to reflect on where we have been and where we want to go. This can feel unsettling, but that discomfort can also motivate us.
It can push us to try things we have put off. To engage with others in ways we have not before. To become more generative.
Generativity can look like:
Caring for others
Passing down values
Mentoring
Volunteering
Philanthropy
Emotional investment in future generations
The opposite of generativity is stagnation.
Stagnation is not changing. And while change can be unnerving, stagnating is worse.
Imagine not connecting with others. Feeling isolated. Feeling disconnected from purpose.
Picture Ebenezer Scrooge in Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol. He was a self-made man, living in a mansion, with servants taking care of all his needs.
But he was miserable.
That is stagnation.
Material success does not equal emotional fulfillment. Achievement alone does not satisfy the need for meaning.
Impact, not status, creates fulfillment.
Stagnation can look like:
Emotional “stuckness”
Isolation
Self-focus
Feeling disconnected from purpose
Why Small Acts MatterThe good news is that impact does not have to be grand.
It does not always come from a public achievement, a major donation, a large platform, or a formal leadership role.
Sometimes impact is small.
A conversation. A moment of mentoring. A story passed down. A value named out loud. A small act of care that helps someone else feel less alone.
These are not small things psychologically. They are part of how we answer the question, “Do I matter?”
And often, they matter more than we think.
Leave a comment
ReferenceErikson, E. H. (1965). Childhood and society (Second edition, revised and enlarged). Norton.
Originally Published on https://deborahheiserphd.substack.com/
