At the table with strangers, I nodded less than I listened. I was sad for the collective table, hearing patterns of constant roaring chatter. When did being taken advantage of take over our lives and our dinners out? Husbands who cannot turn on the stove, partners who cannot get to a grocery store or the laundry room, kids who cannot pack their own bags for an overnight trip, colleagues who never keep their end of the bargain. When did the book club lose it s brainpower, replaced by the woes of overdoing it.
Frustrated, the wine goes down easier when everyone agrees with taking on everything. Before entrees, the ladies, friends of my sister’s, showing the underlying rage. Lowering their voices, details of confronting anyone in their household with yelling, crying when pushed one inch too far. Deep in the recesses of the ‘doing ‘is a scoreboard where the guests always win, and the home (Moms) team never gets off the bench.
Societal norms, people pleasing and short term efficiency drives us pack the lunchboxes, pay for everything and run with the work problem ahead of the others who might be slower or unaware. Without delving into the why we take on too much, I’d rather focus on how to expel yourself in a way that keeps you in the role of mother not also doing every other job for every other person all of the time.
At dinner, I realized is that women are conditioned to manage life like project managers with invisible KPIs. We focus on short term, weekly efficiency, harmony, calm. When did we stop getting credit for maintenance, like the weekly spring grass cut or the leaf blowing on our years. The groceries are just there, the field trip permission slips are magically signed, the Health forms are somehow uploaded. And the irony is, we’re often the last ones to fill out our own.
There are two or more in this relationship tug of war. We are in control of being at the top of the to do list.
I lived the story of responsibility Burnout, sharp tongues, my vegus nerve was living in fight (forget the flight, what would everyone do if I left?!) All of this “taking on” leads to one pathway called burnout. When I woke up I went from “sure, I’ll handle that” to “I won’t do this anymore.”
There were days I had to ask permission to end a call or meeting early to run to the restroom. And I mean run through the hallways to the stalls to return to the next meeting. Little brain space, I’d apologize for being late, like A kindergartner asking permission from their bun-clad teacher. On a long list of to dos, stakeholders, as we say in the business world, in my real life, I refuse to put myself last.
When emergencies hit, obviously, my focus shifts to the person in harm’s way, and I am last for that moment(s). But on the daily, I no longer feel guilty putting my oxygen mask on first.
Are you putting off appointments, bloodwork and even eating well for the sake of everyone else?
I am important, my Longevity and health is critical to the functioning of my Family.
1- We need attention! As our bodies age, they need more attention. Hormonal shifts and age itself require prevention to avoid what is statistically and tactically stacked against us. These appointments and ‘upkeep’ take time to schedule and attend.
2 – My time is not a luxury item. It’s a resource I’m learning to allocate with intention. Just like I schedule client calls or parent-teacher meetings, I’m scheduling me. The walk. The lab work. The creative moments. The part that doesn’t show immediate results but keeps the whole system running.
Unfortunately my time is not elastic like a superhero, stretching infinitely just because everyone needs something. Somewhere along the way, I started believing that if I could just organize better; cleaner closets, make better lists, wake up earlier, multitask harder, that I could fit it all in. There’s no spreadsheet for capacity. There’s no short cut that makes tending to yourself feel convenient.
I couldn’t nod when I sat in on book club because, I refuse to be the last thing on my own list. This isn’t indulgence it’s my midlife infrastructure and strategic planning. The more I care for the foundation (me), the stronger everything else stands.
So no, the window sills might stay really pollen stained. But I’ll be here for the people and purpose I Love most.
When my doctor told me that women are the ones who reschedule their executive physicals— not once, but, on average, three times, I wasn’t surprised. We wait until something hurts. Until the blood work comes back flagged. Until a friend gets news that rattles us. But Aging isn’t a crisis. It’s an accumulation.
3- As our bodies age, they need more care, not less. Hormonal shifts alone can throw our systems off balance. Everything that could run quietly in the background now need conscious attention. Appointments, movement, nutrition, rest are the scaffolding for the second half of life.
So the fridge might be overdue for a scrub, but my appointments are staying on the calendar. Because I finally understand that common quote, “If you don’t take care of yourself, you won’t have yourself to take care of anyone else.”
I’ve been there all too often. But I’ve woken up to the long term gains of teaching others how to fish, advising rather than doing.
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