I thought I was too old to be ghosted, until last summer, when a friend left me high and dry and took a group of our mutual friends with her.
Wasn’t ghosting just for Dating? Apparently not.
Unlike my Sex In The City dating life which meant breakups in the early 2000s were over post it notes, phone calls or the ever awkward and tearful in person breakup, ghosting wasn’t part of my vocabulary until 2024.
Lucky me, or so I thought.
Like most people, I lost a few friends in the seventh grade to a mean girl, but adult ghosting takes awhile to rebound back from emotionally at any age. Let’s be honest, any loss, without warning, is hard.
This isn’t just middle school behavior showing up in grown-up packaging. It’s emotional abandonment, and it deserves to be named.
At the same time I was ghosted by many in 2025 and disgustingly ignored in person my one incredibly manipulative local, I noticed a pattern of this with my clients. Smart, kind, high-achieving women who were waking up to the quiet loss of friends they once trusted.
Ghosting became relevant when dating apps and 24/7 iPhone access reached a pinnacle around 2015. If there was no reply, someone became a ghost, a figment of the imagination, as if the relationship never existed or died quietly. Wikipedia has a whole page on subcategories of this deep-cutting behavior.
Adult ghosting isn’t just for Gen Z or Gen Alpha—it’s happening among Millennials and Gen Xers, too. And it hurts just as much. I keep hearing about it in so many conversations with other friends or as an intention to release very hurt energy intuitive reiki sessions.
Reaching out with invites only to get 100% “no”
No reply to texts for days or weeks
Knowing there are side text chains that you are purposefully left off of
Getting excluded from events you were once included in
Sudden drop-off in regular contact without any life event to explain it
Friendships ebb and flow—but what about when they break without notice?
And it stings in a very specific way.
I makes me sick to think about how uneven many of my female friendships have been, maybe forever. Is it people pleasing or giving, regardless of why, I’m DONE being taken advantage of and you should be done, too.
Sometimes, the cut-off is due to natural friendship edits. Life stages don’t always align: maybe they had kids earlier than you, their jobs required them to moved away, or pursued a totally different Lifestyle than you (Pickleball training, anyone? deadlifting league?).
I bend until I break—checking in, giving, hoping for reciprocal care. And sometimes, the rebounding of care just doesn’t come.
Often, when the reciprocation, premeditated or not, a friendship drift that’s mutual can occur over a season of life. I have summer friends I see when school is out and schedules relax or those I see during volleyball practices only. There are, after all, only so many hours in a week.
This isn’t ghosting. This is pruning. It’s okay to outgrow a connection that no longer serves.
I’ve walked away from friendships, too. Moving from West to East and city to the burbs is its own drift. I can recall avoiding the friend who only reached out when she needed something. From the one who asked me—repeatedly—to spend vacation time visiting her after I had explained I was Caregiving for my parents. From the high school friend whose energy became unpredictable and unsettling, despite my reminders I am not her therapist.
That wasn’t ghosting. That was a boundary.
You don’t need a confrontation or a conversation to get closure. You can make peace without their participation.
Start with a clearing ritual —Write a letter to them that you never send, then tear it up. Burn it it in a lit candle and blow out a candle when you are done.
Work with a Healer like Me to Visualize the break – Imagine a cord connecting your heart to theirs. Then picture yourself cutting it. Imagine their energy gently floating away like fog lifting.
Clean up your digital world – Mute them on social, block or delete any text threads. This has given my brain a huge break PLEASE protect your heart.
Name what you need now – Journal what you DO need specifically in this season of life and how much time you can devote to that part of your life. Clarity? Kindness? Humor? Directness? Can you show up for yourself in the way you need? Attract what you need.
Stop trying to make mean girls like you
If someone never gave you the grace of kindness, you don’t owe them more mental Real Estate. This was the biggest piece of advice I needed last year.
Stay rooted in your values —Kindness, curiosity, and directness go a long way. Stay consistent even when others are flaky. Your energy will attract others who value the same.
I have asked people that matter to me what I have done wrong to deserve this treatment, like I would at work and it made things worse. My core value is connection and talking through things felt right. I did my part but you cannot force rude out of people.
Create your own culture- Not feeling seen in your community? Build a new one. Start a recurring brunch or a walking group. Invite friends-of-friends. Be the one who initiates—but only when it feels good. I’m going to be part of a moon circle in August.
Say no to fake connection – You don’t need to keep showing up for surface-level events where you feel invisible. It’s okay to take a break and protect your peace. You can also be friendly when you are with fakesters.
Celebrate your core people-You don’t need a dozen close friends in midlife. Instead, focus on a few consistent, emotionally available people can change everything. Water those Relationships like your table top orchid which only need an ice cub once in awhile. “I was thinking of you.”
I grieved the loss of that friend group. The history we shared and the time we spent forming bonds. But I also created space for what I actually need now.
I don’t have the roundtable of friends like King Aurthur’s court I once imagined from 90s TV shows but the ones I have are clear, deep end friends and aligned. They don’t perform connection or tear me down in public or in private. We live connection and we lift each other up.
And that has been the gift on the other side of the silence.
If you’ve ever been ghosted by someone you thought would always be there, I see you. Forward this to someone who needs it. Or hit subscribe so you don’t have to navigate grown woman friendships alone.
