Six Tips for When Care Recipients Say Mean Things
A reader recently sent me this question:
“My elderly mother-in-law has gotten mean in the last few years. She’ll say mean things to people — mostly family members, but also others sometimes. I don’t think she even realizes how hurtful she’s being. Does this happen to elderly people often?”
In my experience, not all older adults “get mean” as they age, but some do.
I am not referring to pessimistic or difficult Aging parents who have whined and complained all of their lives. I am talking about our normally sweet and kind care recipients (or older relatives) who come out with mean statements unexpectedly. They might just say one mean or thoughtless thing that hurts you, but it’s that one sentence that sticks in your mind and/or heart for years to come.
An Example From My Caregiving Experience
My parents and I lived cross-country for nearly 20 years. Despite their only child, son-in-law and grandchild living 3,000 miles away, we could not convince them to move here. As my mom’s Alzheimer’s disease progressed, my father decided he needed help caregiving and it was indeed time to live near us. We were ecstatic they were going to live in the same town and we’d be able to have visits whenever we wanted — easily, without having to fly hours to do so. What could be better than that, after living apart for so many years?
One day, about a year after they moved here, my Dad came out with the statement, “The worst thing we ever did was move to California!”
OUCH! I was stunned. It was like a slap in the face.
I was too shocked to react to his words immediately. And even though we always had a close and loving relationship, I was extremely hurt. I still remember those words clearly — and don’t think I’ll ever forget them. But I have come to terms with and understand why he said it.
Why Do They Say Mean Things?
I believe some older adults lose their “filters” as they age. They think and speak much like children, and blurt out what’s on their minds. They start to lose the ability to “hold their tongue” when those words are possibly rude or hurtful. They literally speak without thinking.
And, if you were in your care recipient’s shoes losing independence physically or your cognitive abilities are declining — or both, that surely would be cause for an outburst.
If their words are kind and don’t hurt anyone, I say, “Good for them!” They’ve earned the right to speak what’s on their minds based upon their experience and Wisdom. But this is not always the case.
So what do you do when you’re on the receiving end of a mean statement by a loved one you’re caring for?
Six Tips to Use to Respond to Mean Words
You may not be able to change what your aging parents say, but you can definitely control how you react to them.
- Delay your response to their words. Whatever mindfulness techniques you use to calm down in other stressful situations, do now! Take a deep breath, walk into another room, count to 10, think about something pleasant.
- Don’t snap back with an equally mean statement. Your reply could escalate the exchange. When you feel wounded, it’s often easy to fire back a nasty sentence, but in the long run it will not be helpful and may make matters worse. Try with all your might not to be defensive. I know it’s not easy! Remember, mindfulness begins with pausing and observing.
- Realize their statements could be based on strong emotions. Respond to what their underlying feelings may be, and not the content of what your loved one said. Arguing with them logically probably won’t solve the deeper emotional issue. By not reacting on the spot when my Dad said the hurtful comment, I had time later to analyze what he really meant.
- It’s OK to take a break. You can leave to give yourself time to cool off and deal with the hurt. This could be for a couple of minutes, hours, or even days if necessary. Arrange for other family members, friends and/or neighbors to help while you take a break.
- Try not to take their words personally. This will probably be the hardest part to wrap your head around. It was for me. After all, I knew my Dad loved me and my family deeply, and was happy to be living close by. So why would he say moving to California was the worst thing they’d ever done? He was simply recalling their idyllic life in Florida, before my Mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease and her memory loss began. He didn’t truly mean he hated living in California but rather, he wished he could turn back the clock to his life in Florida where they both enjoyed many years of good health and an independent Lifestyle. I wish I could have done that for them, too.
- Be grateful — always. I tried to remember, especially during the difficult moments, how very lucky I was to have them be my parents for so many years. My dad died in 2005 at age 98 and my mom a few years later, two months shy of her 100th birthday. So many people’s parents die when they are younger and their adult children don’t have these later years to enjoy with them.
[NOTE: If there ever is a marked change in your care recipients’ behavior, it may be due to a medical reason. Please be sure they are checked by their physician to rule out any physical or drug-related reasons for inappropriate words, outbursts or actions.]
