What Gets in the Way of Listening? More than we would like to admit. We all like to think of ourselves as good listeners. We nod. We say “mm-hmm.” We even repeat back the last three words someone said so it sounds like we were paying attention.But if we’re honest? Something is almost always getting in the way.
Sometimes it’s a notification. Sometimes it’s the running list of things we need to say the second the other person stops talking. And sometimes — let’s be real — it’s a soccer ball landing in your lap mid-World Cup because your husband would rather demonstrate his listening problem than talk about it. (True story. Ask me about the video.)
Listening isn’t just about hearing words. It’s about what we let compete with those words for our attention. So let’s count the ways.
This is the obvious one, but it’s worth naming because we’ve normalized it. The phone buzzes, and even if we don’t look, part of our brain already has. [Placeholder: reference stat/article on phone notifications and attention/task-switching — e.g., research on “attention residue”]
Sometimes the distraction isn’t external at all — it’s internal. We’re not listening; we’re preparing our response. Rehearsing what we’ll say next instead of absorbing what’s being said now. [Placeholder: reference article on listening vs. “rebuttal mode” or active listening research]
Certain words, tones, or topics can shut the door on listening before the other person finishes their sentence. Once we feel criticized, dismissed, or defensive, we stop taking in information and start building our case. [Placeholder: reference source on emotional reactivity and listening]
Let’s name this one honestly: some people are genuinely harder to listen to. The over-explainer. The interrupter. The person who takes four minutes to get to a fifteen-second point. It’s not that you don’t want to listen — it’s that certain styles make it feel like work. [Placeholder: could reference communication style research, e.g., DiSC or similar]
Open-plan offices, back-to-back Zoom calls, a house full of noise — sometimes the environment itself is working against you before anyone even speaks.
None of this is really about “bad listeners.” It’s about the fact that listening takes bandwidth — and modern life is designed to drain it. In workplaces increasingly run by AI and automation, the ability to truly listen — to a colleague, a client, a spouse — isn’t a soft skill. It’s a differentiator.
A few starting points:
If this resonates, this is exactly the terrain I dig into in The Learned-It-in-Queens Communications Playbook: Winning Against Digital Distraction — real strategies for staying present when everything (and everyone) is competing for your attention.
Because at the end of the day, we all have things that get in the way of our listening. The real question is what we do about it.
Want me to:
provide some real research citations
Sourced and integrated legitimate research citations
Sourced and integrated legitimate research citations
Great — found solid, credible sources for three of your four placeholder spots. Here’s what I found, plus a note on the fourth:
1. Digital Distraction — Attention Residue
Organizational psychologist Sophie Leroy’s foundational research found that when we switch between tasks, part of our attention often stays with the prior task instead of fully transferring to the next one — meaning even brief interruptions can carry a real cognitive cost, because full disengagement from a prior task is what enables strong performance on the next one.
Source: Leroy, S. (2009). “Why Is It So Hard to Do My Work? The Challenge of Attention Residue When Switching Between Work Tasks.” Organizational Behavior and Human Decision Processes, 109(2), 168-181. University of Washington BothellREPEC
2. Digital Distraction (device-specific angle) — Phone Presence & Conversation Quality
A widely-cited study found that the mere presence of mobile phones can interfere with human Relationships, an effect that is most clear when individuals are discussing personally meaningful topics. Worth noting for intellectual honesty: a 2021 replication attempt failed to reproduce the original effect on relationship quality — so I’d frame this one as “an influential and debated study” rather than settled fact.
Source: Przybylski, A. K., & Weinstein, N. (2013). “Can You Connect With Me Now?” Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 30(3), 237-246. Sage JournalsPLOS
3. Emotional Triggers — Gottman’s “Flooding”
Renowned relationship researcher John Gottman’s decades of lab work found that when a partner’s heart rate spikes during conflict, the part of the brain responsible for listening, empathy, and problem-solving effectively goes offline — a physiological Stress response, not a character flaw, that makes it very difficult to hear the other person clearly.
Source: Gottman, J. — “Diffuse Physiological Arousal (DPA) / Flooding,” The Gottman Institute research. EmpathiRWA Psychology
4. “Annoying People” / Communication Styles
I didn’t find one single strong peer-reviewed source specifically on “why certain communication styles feel harder to listen to” — this is more scattered across workplace communication literature. I’d suggest either: (a) leave this one as an experiential/opinion point rather than a cited stat, or (b) let me search specifically for DiSC-style research if you want a citation there too.
Want me to drop these into the full draft now with the citations woven in naturally (not academic-style, just “research shows…” in your voice)?
provide real research citations
Reconsidered formatting to present citations as organized reference list
Reconsidered formatting to present citations as organized reference list
Here’s a clean, ready-to-use research citation list for the blog post:
1. Attention Residue (task-switching / digital distraction)
Organizational psychologist Sophie Leroy found that when people switch from one task to another, part of their attention stays behind on the first task — meaning interruptions carry a real cognitive cost even after you’ve “moved on.”
Leroy, S. (2009). “Why Is It So Hard to Do My Work? The Challenge of Attention Residue When Switching Between Work Tasks.” Organizational Behavior and Human Decision Processes, 109(2), 168–181.
2. Phone Presence & Conversation Quality
A landmark study found that simply having a phone visible during a conversation — even face-down, even untouched — can reduce feelings of closeness and connection, especially during meaningful conversations. Przybylski, A. K., & Weinstein, N. (2013). “Can You Connect With Me Now? How the Presence of Mobile Communication Technology Influences Face-to-Face Conversation Quality.” Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 30(3), 237–246.
(Note: a 2021 replication attempt didn’t reproduce the effect — worth framing as “influential, though debated” rather than settled fact.)
3. Emotional Flooding (why we stop listening mid-conflict)
John Gottman’s Love Lab research found that once heart rate spikes past a certain threshold during conflict, the brain’s capacity for listening, empathy, and problem-solving effectively shuts down — it’s a physiological response, not a character flaw. Gottman, J. — Research on Diffuse Physiological Arousal (“Flooding”), The Gottman Institute.
Want me to weave these three into the full draft now in your voice (not academic-style — more like “research backs this up” asides), or would you like a fourth citation on communication styles/”annoying people” first?
include them in the draft
Wove citations seamlessly into narrative prose
Wove citations seamlessly into narrative prose
Here’s the full draft with the research woven in:
1, 2 and 3
Synthesized multiple approaches for comprehensive response
Synthesized multiple approaches for comprehensive response
Got it — I’ll do a mix: leave placeholders where you’ll drop in your own sources, and I’ll also suggest a few research-backed points/stats you can use or swap out as needed.
Since you didn’t specify length, I’ll draft it as a medium-length post (700–1000 words) — a solid, meaty read without being exhausting. Let me know if you want it shorter or longer once you see it.
Here’s the draft:
We all like to think of ourselves as good listeners. We nod. We say “mm-hmm.” We even repeat back the last three words someone said so it sounds like we were paying attention.
But if we’re honest? Something is almost always getting in the way.
Sometimes it’s a notification. Sometimes it’s the running list of things we need to say the second the other person stops talking. And sometimes — let’s be real — it’s a soccer ball landing in your lap mid-World Cup because your husband would rather demonstrate his listening problem than talk about it. (True story. Ask me about the video.)
Listening isn’t just about hearing words. It’s about what we let compete with those words for our attention. So let’s count the ways.
This is the obvious one, but it’s worth naming because we’ve normalized it. The phone buzzes, and even if we don’t look, part of our brain already has. [Placeholder: reference stat/article on phone notifications and attention/task-switching — e.g., research on “attention residue”]
Sometimes the distraction isn’t external at all — it’s internal. We’re not listening; we’re preparing our response. Rehearsing what we’ll say next instead of absorbing what’s being said now. [Placeholder: reference article on listening vs. “rebuttal mode” or active listening research]
Certain words, tones, or topics can shut the door on listening before the other person finishes their sentence. Once we feel criticized, dismissed, or defensive, we stop taking in information and start building our case. [Placeholder: reference source on emotional reactivity and listening]
Let’s name this one honestly: some people are genuinely harder to listen to. The over-explainer. The interrupter. The person who takes four minutes to get to a fifteen-second point. It’s not that you don’t want to listen — it’s that certain styles make it feel like work. [Placeholder: could reference communication style research, e.g., DiSC or similar]
Open-plan offices, back-to-back Zoom calls, a house full of noise — sometimes the environment itself is working against you before anyone even speaks.
None of this is really about “bad listeners.” It’s about the fact that listening takes bandwidth — and modern life is designed to drain it. In workplaces increasingly run by AI and automation, the ability to truly listen — to a colleague, a client, a spouse — isn’t a soft skill. It’s a differentiator.
A few starting points:
If this resonates, this is exactly the terrain I dig into in The Learned-It-in-Queens Communications Playbook: Winning Against Digital Distraction — real strategies for staying present when everything (and everyone) is competing for your attention.
Because at the end of the day, we all have things that get in the way of our listening. The real question is what we do about it.
Want me to:
provide some real research citations
Sourced and integrated legitimate research citations
Sourced and integrated legitimate research citations
Great — found solid, credible sources for three of your four placeholder spots. Here’s what I found, plus a note on the fourth:
1. Digital Distraction — Attention Residue
Organizational psychologist Sophie Leroy’s foundational research found that when we switch between tasks, part of our attention often stays with the prior task instead of fully transferring to the next one — meaning even brief interruptions can carry a real cognitive cost, because full disengagement from a prior task is what enables strong performance on the next one.
Source: Leroy, S. (2009). “Why Is It So Hard to Do My Work? The Challenge of Attention Residue When Switching Between Work Tasks.” Organizational Behavior and Human Decision Processes, 109(2), 168-181. University of Washington BothellREPEC
2. Digital Distraction (device-specific angle) — Phone Presence & Conversation Quality
A widely-cited study found that the mere presence of mobile phones can interfere with human relationships, an effect that is most clear when individuals are discussing personally meaningful topics. Worth noting for intellectual honesty: a 2021 replication attempt failed to reproduce the original effect on relationship quality — so I’d frame this one as “an influential and debated study” rather than settled fact.
Source: Przybylski, A. K., & Weinstein, N. (2013). “Can You Connect With Me Now?” Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 30(3), 237-246. Sage JournalsPLOS
3. Emotional Triggers — Gottman’s “Flooding”
Renowned relationship researcher John Gottman’s decades of lab work found that when a partner’s heart rate spikes during conflict, the part of the brain responsible for listening, empathy, and problem-solving effectively goes offline — a physiological stress response, not a character flaw, that makes it very difficult to hear the other person clearly.
Source: Gottman, J. — “Diffuse Physiological Arousal (DPA) / Flooding,” The Gottman Institute research. EmpathiRWA Psychology
4. “Annoying People” / Communication Styles
I didn’t find one single strong peer-reviewed source specifically on “why certain communication styles feel harder to listen to” — this is more scattered across workplace communication literature. I’d suggest either: (a) leave this one as an experiential/opinion point rather than a cited stat, or (b) let me search specifically for DiSC-style research if you want a citation there too.
Want me to drop these into the full draft now with the citations woven in naturally (not academic-style, just “research shows…” in your voice)?
provide real research citations
Reconsidered formatting to present citations as organized reference list
Reconsidered formatting to present citations as organized reference list
Here’s a clean, ready-to-use research citation list for the blog post:
1. Attention Residue (task-switching / digital distraction)
Organizational psychologist Sophie Leroy found that when people switch from one task to another, part of their attention stays behind on the first task — meaning interruptions carry a real cognitive cost even after you’ve “moved on.” Leroy, S. (2009). “Why Is It So Hard to Do My Work? The Challenge of Attention Residue When Switching Between Work Tasks.” Organizational Behavior and Human Decision Processes, 109(2), 168–181.
2. Phone Presence & Conversation Quality
A landmark study found that simply having a phone visible during a conversation — even face-down, even untouched — can reduce feelings of closeness and connection, especially during meaningful conversations. Przybylski, A. K., & Weinstein, N. (2013). “Can You Connect With Me Now? How the Presence of Mobile Communication Technology Influences Face-to-Face Conversation Quality.” Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 30(3), 237–246.
(Note: a 2021 replication attempt didn’t reproduce the effect — worth framing as “influential, though debated” rather than settled fact.)
3. Emotional Flooding (why we stop listening mid-conflict)
John Gottman’s Love Lab research found that once heart rate spikes past a certain threshold during conflict, the brain’s capacity for listening, empathy, and problem-solving effectively shuts down — it’s a physiological response, not a character flaw. Gottman, J. — Research on Diffuse Physiological Arousal (“Flooding”), The Gottman Institute.
Want me to weave these three into the full draft now in your voice (not academic-style — more like “research backs this up” asides), or would you like a fourth citation on communication styles/”annoying people” first?
include them in the draft
Wove citations seamlessly into narrative prose
Wove citations seamlessly into narrative prose
Here’s the full draft with the research woven in:
We all like to think of ourselves as good listeners. We nod. We say “mm-hmm.” We even repeat back the last three words someone said so it sounds like we were paying attention.
But if we’re honest? Something is almost always getting in the way.
Sometimes it’s a notification. Sometimes it’s the running list of things we need to say the second the other person stops talking. And sometimes — let’s be real — it’s a soccer ball landing in your lap mid-World Cup because your husband would rather demonstrate his listening problem than talk about it. (True story. Check out the video.)
Listening isn’t just about hearing words. It’s about what we let compete with those words for our attention. So let’s count the ways — and what the research actually says about each one.
This is the obvious one, but it’s worth naming because we’ve normalized it. The phone buzzes, and even if we don’t look, part of our brain already has.
Organizational psychologist Sophie Leroy has spent years studying this exact phenomenon, which she calls “attention residue.” Her research found that when we switch from one task to another, part of our attention stays behind on the first task — meaning even a quick interruption carries a real cognitive cost, long after we think we’ve “moved on.”
It gets more specific than that, too. A widely cited study found that simply having a phone visible during a conversation — even face-down, even untouched — can measurably reduce how connected people feel to each other, especially during meaningful conversations. (Worth noting: a later replication attempt couldn’t fully reproduce this effect, so think of it as an influential, still-debated finding rather than settled science. Either way, it tracks with what most of us feel intuitively.)
Sometimes the distraction isn’t external at all — it’s internal. We’re not listening; we’re preparing our response. Rehearsing what we’ll say next instead of absorbing what’s being said now.
Certain words, tones, or topics can shut the door on listening before the other person finishes their sentence.
Here’s where the research gets fascinating: relationship researcher John Gottman’s decades of lab work found that once our heart rate crosses a certain threshold during conflict, the part of the brain responsible for listening, empathy, and problem-solving effectively goes offline. It’s called “flooding” — and it’s not a character flaw or a sign you don’t care. It’s biology. Once we’re flooded, we’re no longer capable of hearing the other person clearly, no matter how much we want to.
Let’s name this one honestly: some people are genuinely harder to listen to. The over-explainer. The interrupter. The person who takes four minutes to get to a fifteen-second point. It’s not that you don’t want to listen — it’s that certain styles make it feel like work.
Open-plan offices, back-to-back Zoom calls, a house full of noise — sometimes the environment itself is working against you before anyone even speaks.
None of this is really about “bad listeners.” It’s about the fact that listening takes bandwidth — and modern life is designed to drain it. In workplaces increasingly run by AI and automation, the ability to truly listen — to a colleague, a client, a spouse — isn’t a soft skill. It’s a differentiator.
A few starting points:
If this resonates, this is exactly the terrain I dig into in The Learned-It-in-Queens Communications Playbook: Winning Against Digital Distraction — real strategies for staying present when everything (and everyone) is competing for your attention.
Because at the end of the day, we all have things that get in the way of our listening. The real question is what we do about it.
For those who want to dig deeper:
Leroy, S. (2009). “Why Is It So Hard to Do My Work? The Challenge of Attention Residue When Switching Between Work Tasks.” Organizational Behavior and Human Decision Processes, 109(2), 168–181.
Przybylski, A. K., & Weinstein, N. (2013). “Can You Connect With Me Now? How the Presence of Mobile Communication Technology Influences Face-to-Face Conversation Quality.” Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 30(3), 237–246.
Gottman, J. Research on Diffuse Physiological Arousal (“Flooding”). The Gottman Institute.
The post What Gets in the Way of Our Listening? Plenty! appeared first on jryanpartners.com.
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