By Jerry Zezima I have 32 pairs of drawers in my drawers. That’s one pair of underwear for every day of the longest months of the year with one pair left over, plus two left over for every day of every month that has 30 days, except February, which has 28, though in leap years […]
By Jerry Zezima I have been driving people crazy my whole life. But since I got my driver’s license at the tender age of 16, I have been driving them in my car. That changed recently when I had the rare opportunity to be driven myself. And although I was sitting in the front passenger […]
By Jerry Zezima I have often told my wife that I’m like crabgrass: She can’t get rid of me. Now that we have real crabgrass on our lawn, I’m trying to get rid of it. The problem, according to Vinny, our turf guru, is that I am not spreading fertilizer. “I’ve been spreading it for […]
By Jerry Zezima As a man of many words, not all of which can be used in a family newspaper, I am delighted to announce that our special guest today is Prof. Ludwig Lingo, the noted linguistics expert and an ardent fighter of crimes against the English language. JZ: Welcome, Prof. Lingo. What’s the good […]
By Jerry Zezima Something fishy is going on in my family. And it involves, for approximately the hundredth time, a dead fish. The latest fine finny friend to go belly-up was Igor, a blue boy betta who belonged to two of my granddaughters, which made him, I guess, my grandfish. But not to worry: There’s […]
By Jerry Zezima I’m the very model of the modern marching man. And I am determined to put one foot in front of the other until I walk headlong into a wall. But I can’t say the same for the vast majority of walkers who don’t seem to know where they are going, usually while […]
By Jerry Zezima With apologies to Mick Jagger, my kidneys have produced more rolling stones than he’s ever had. That’s why I got satisfaction from a radiology report showing that my career as a rock star could mercifully be over. On orders from my urologist, who must feel like a miner because he has excavated […]
By Jerry Zezima I’m a guy who likes to travel the world. Unfortunately, I can do so only if I sit in front of the TV and watch celebrities like Stanley Tucci eat and drink their way through Italy and other exotic lands while the most thrilling places I visit are Home Depot and Costco. […]
By Jerry Zezima If Alexander Graham Bell, who is credited with patenting the first telephone, were alive today, he’d be: (a) On hold. (b) Getting relentless calls about his car’s extended warranty. (c) Convinced that my new smartphone has a dumb owner. The correct answer is: (d) All of the above. At least Bell has […]
By Jerry Zezima When you break a tooth that you’ve already had a root canal on, you root for your dentist to get to the root of the problem. That’s what Dr. Anthony Fazio did on one of my molars, which he expertly repaired during a two-part procedure that was, I am happy to report, […]
