By Jerry Zezima Garbage in, garbage out has been my motto through almost five decades of marriage. It’s only fair since I am the one who creates most of the trash in our humble household. So I have to take it out or I will be kicked to the curb, too. That’s why my wife, […]

By Jerry Zezima Blood, goes a familiar idiom, which can now be applied to this familiar idiot, is thicker than water. That’s why I needed approximately a gallon of water — as well as a box of Kleenex, two Band-Aids and a styptic pencil — to stanch the flow of blood that reddened my face […]

By Jerry Zezima Word of mouth has it that my mouth isn’t as big as everyone thinks and that my foot (size 11 wide) isn’t stuck in it. But the really good news is that an orthodontic resident said my teeth are in great shape because the retainers I use to keep my teeth in […]

By Jerry Zezima If I started my own plumbing business, I would be like the Three Stooges, who played plumbers in one of their classic movie shorts and ended up flooding a house. But if the drain in your shower ever gets clogged, I’m the guy to call. Unlike Moe, Larry and Curly, I somehow […]

By Jerry Zezima If I had my own TV show, a sitcom like “Everybody Loves Raymond” that I would call “Some People Seem to Like Jerry,” the first episode would be about how I can’t work my own TV. That was the sad situation when I had so much trouble with a faulty cable box […]

By Jerry Zezima According to an old saying, which must have been said by somebody old, muscles have memory. I forget who said it because my muscles are soaking in milk of amnesia. Still, I thought I was the oldest member of my gym until I met a guy who was born during the Roosevelt […]

By Jerry Zezima Sometimes a boy just likes to feel pretty. That’s why two of my granddaughters recently gave me a beauty treatment at their very own spa and salon. And I can count on the fingers of two hands how much it cost to be the envy of everyone at an evening gathering where […]

By Jerry Zezima TOP SECRET To: Tom Cruise From: Jerry Zezima Re: “Mission: Implausible” Dear Mr. Cruise: I am a dashing, heroic and admittedly aging spy cleverly disguised as a syndicated newspaper columnist whose work is highly suspect. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to let me star in the next installment […]

By Jerry Zezima As a man who dozes off at the drop of a hat, even though I don’t wear one, I find it hard to wake up and smell the coffee. The problem is that I can’t smell the coffee until I wake up. And I can’t wake up until I have coffee. If […]

By Jerry Zezima If it weren’t for Venetian blinds, it would be curtains for me. It also would be valances, drapes, shutters and other coverings for windows that I haven’t washed in two years, which is why my wife, Sue, has been throwing shades at me. We recently got new blinds in the family room […]