What if the part of you that shuts down sexually — or the part that keeps reaching for porn — isn't a character flaw? What if it's trying to protect you?
In this solo episode, licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Todd Creager explains why forcing your way through sexual performance Anxiety — or trying to stop compulsive sexual behavior through sheer willpower — almost always backfires. Drawing from two therapeutic approaches he uses in his practice, Internal Family Systems (IFS) and EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), Todd walks through what's actually happening beneath the surface when sex becomes complicated.
At the center of this episode is a reframe most people have never heard: the parts of us that create sexual problems are not broken. They're protective. Todd breaks down two types of protective parts from the IFS model. “Managers” are the parts that preemptively shut things down — lowering libido, interfering with arousal, erection, ejaculation, or orgasm — to keep us from feeling shame or inadequacy. “Firefighters” are the parts that kick in when emotional pain gets too close, often using porn, affairs, or compulsive behavior to numb out or escape the fear of being truly seen.
Todd shares an example from his own caseload: a client who began having an affair after significant failures at work. The affair wasn't about attraction — it was a firefighter response to the pain of feeling like a failure.
Getting out of these patterns isn't about more effort or stricter rules. It starts with getting curious about those parts rather than fighting them. When you can approach your protective parts with compassion — understanding what they're guarding against — you create the conditions for what Todd calls self-led sexuality. That's when the grounded, confident part of you leads the experience rather than the scared or shamed parts.
This isn't a quick fix. But it is a way to heal from the inside out — one Todd applies regularly in his work with both individuals and couples.
If you're dealing with sexual performance anxiety, low sexual desire, compulsive sexual behavior, or intimacy avoidance in your relationship, this episode gives you a new frame for what's actually going on — and why treating it as a willpower problem keeps you stuck.
To work with Todd or learn more, visit toddcreager.com.
If this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who could benefit and leave a review. Your support helps us reach more couples who are ready to transform their lives.
Check out my complete program “From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving” for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclass
Todd Creager, LCSW, LMFT
Todd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach. He provides relationship Coaching to couples throughout the world and in Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach and Long Beach. (714) 848-2288.
You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at: https://toddcreager.com
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