Unfortunately outlining your frustration on a work Slack channel just won’t cut it I’m afraid

I finally got round to having a conversation I’d not been looking forward to this week 👏

I knew I had to have the conversation but I’d just put it off and off 🙎

In the meantime a glut of negative Emotions had built up; I’d began to feel guilty 😞, resentful 😠, sorry for myself 😢 and more.

Ever experienced something similar?

People often think that because my work is all about enhancing emotional intelligence in teams and because I regularly teach about having difficult conversations that I must be an expert at dealing with these sort of situations when they happen to me.

Well, yes and no; I may be more than happy to have needles shoved into my arm on a regular basis and put myself out there regularly but I am a human being after all (despite what some may say 😝).

Trust me, you can know the theory inside-out but as soon as you throw emotions (particularly negative emotions) into the mix, it makes it infinitely more difficult 😵

Embrace negative emotions rather than running away from them

“The problem with you Faris, is that you are afraid to open yourself to the possibility of a romance failing and that will always be your Achilles heel”

This is what a friend said to me recently about my Love life and he’s spot on 👊

Many people think a successful life is one without having to experience any negative emotions but arguably that is wrong…and impossible 😶

More and more, I see people in business (especially younger generations and those who prefer to be tech-first) try to avoid any possible situation that involves the potential for conflict so that they don’t have to feel a negative emotion.

But negative emotions are actually there to help us — they are an evolutionary design for us to be aware that something is off, thus giving us the chance to correct it.

By ignoring them, you are actually more likely to end up in greater danger.

Think about a tough conversation from your past that you put off — be it with a loved one, a work colleague, a neighbour or anyone; wasn’t it invariably made worse the longer you left it to fester? 🌋

The beauty of negative emotions is that, once you are aware of them, if you work backwards, they can help you identify what specifically is at the nub of your issue and thus give you a better chance to resolve it 🎯.

I regularly use negative emotions and negative behaviours in my life (like procrastination, excessiveness, sullenness, etc) as the signal to go into sleuth mode and get to the root of what is really troubling me 🔍.

When it came to my recent situation, I’d noticed that I was becoming more sluggish and unresponsive in general and it was because of putting off this tough conversation

How to best handle a tough conversation

Tough conversations come in all shapes and sizes; classic examples include:

• Giving negative feedback on poor performance or behaviour
• Addressing inappropriate behaviour, such as bullying or harassment
• Asking for a promotion or pay raise
• Sacking someone
• Admitting your own mistake or poor performance
• Rejecting an employee’s request for leave or flexible work arrangements
• Breaking up with a romantic partner
• Addressing a friend about lending Money or repaying a debt
• Setting boundaries with a friend or Family member
• Discussing a family member’s Health issues or a personal problem
• Challenging an opinion/behaviour of a loved one

What makes them tough is a combination of three factors:

1. we suspect there will be a difference of opinions
2. there are emotions involved
3. there is likely to be something stake

The best way to handle these conversations is as follows:

Ahead of the conversation — prepare as much as possible, script what you want to say and how you will say it so you don’t have to wing it; anticipate how you might feel/react and how the other person might feel/react; plan how you will handle your/their reactions and any difficult questions; plan the logistics (i.e. what time and where you will have the conversation, will you ask anyone else to join — I highly recommend making this a real time conversation)

During the conversation — deliver the message immediately (don’t get derailed by yourself or the other person, keep it short and clear); then go into listening mode and allow the other person a chance to react and ask any clarifying questions; be the absorber of any negative emotion that comes from the other person; once you are both over the peak of emotion, have a rational conversation, giving any additional information; finally confirm that you have both got the same understanding of the message and agree any next steps

After the conversation — make sure you and the other person have positive outlets (e.g. a friend, a journal, etc rather than booze or drugs) to continue processing any residual emotions; check-in with the other person after a sufficient time to see how they are doing and/or confirm what was agreed

This all seems straightforward when it’s written down like a checklist but we all know it is not.

A little EQ Hack

The good news is that the more you plan and practice, the better you will get. Ultimately, the more empathy you can muster the better 🙌

The trick I use when preparing for these conversations is to imagine the other person is my best friend; with this in mind I ask myself the following questions:

1. What do I really want for myself?
2. What do I really want for the other person?
3. What do I really want for the relationship?
4. How would I behave if I really want those things?

You want to be able to go into the conversation with Clarity on what the mutual purpose and mutual respect in the relationship looks like — these are the anchors you can always fall back on if things get turbulent.

Follow the above advice and you will get better at these conversations; who knows: eventually you may even get to George Clooney levels of excellence.

It all starts by not avoiding the tough conversation 🫣. I’m happy that I had mine ☺️

Faris

Faris is the CEO and Founder of Shiageto Consulting, an innovative consultancy that helps firms and individuals sharpen their effectiveness. Connect with him here

Success = IQ x EQ x FQ

Want to assess your levels of IQ, EQ and FQ? click here

Originally Published on https://farisaranki.medium.com/

Faris Aranki Strategy & Emotional Intelligence

Having spent over 20 years delivering strategic change for the corporate and non-corporate worlds, Faris has experienced first-hand the fine differences between strategic success and failure.
His work has spanned numerous companies (from global behemoths to small start-ups), in numerous countries, across a range of sectors, supporting them all to unlock strategic success.

He came to realize that often what hinders institutions from achieving their goals goes beyond the quality of their strategy; it is their ability to engage effectively with others at all levels and remove barriers in their way. This has led to his passion for improving strategic effectiveness within all businesses and individuals and the foundation of Shiageto Consulting.

Over time, Faris has worked to distill his knowledge of how to solve complex problems in a structured manner combined with his skill on engaging effectively with others and his ability to quickly determine the barriers to a strategy's success. This knowledge has formed the foundation of Shiageto’s workshops, courses and methodologies. Faris believes that any firm or team can adopt these improvements; all it requires is a little of the right support -something Shiageto provides!

On top of leading our business, Faris is now an accomplished speaker and contributor for a variety of outlets.